"Why The Better You Treat A Man, The More Actively He Wipes His Feet On You?" - Relations

Why the better you treat a man, the more actively he wipes his feet on you?

Tamara, 41 years old

Your short question contains a big resentment, and this is always aggression. If aggression is directed outward, then it is experienced as hostility or hatred. If anger is directed only at oneself, then it is experienced as depression with a feeling of guilt, self-accusations, a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, abandonment, uselessness, sometimes even moral or physical ugliness, inferiority. In the event of an offense, aggression is distributed between the offender and himself in one proportion or another - more indignation or more self-deprecation.

You openly accuse the man of “wiping his feet” about you, hate him and seek outside support for yourself. Your aggression towards yourself is suppressed: you try to hide it in every possible way to avoid mental pain, and that is why you emphasize that you treat a man very well. "Depressively aggression" also on yourself, feeling your uselessness to a person who at the same time really needs you, without whom you may not even be able to exist at all, you protect yourself from the experience of your possible guilt, from the feeling of your own insignificance, drive the feeling of your inferiority deep inside. Dislike directed at a man is expressed in the form of direct accusations, and hostility directed at oneself is actively hidden in order to avoid depressive suffering.

Perhaps even so strong that it already finds a way out in any neurotic, psychosomatic or autonomic symptoms. First of all, you need to talk about this, because this is the only thing that can be objectively judged by your question. After all, it is completely unclear from it what your good attitude towards a man consists in, how it manifests itself, how sincere, constantly, does it not include dependence on a man with a desire to keep him and manipulate him?

In the same way, it is objectively unclear how a man "wipes his feet" about you, how exactly this manifests itself: whether he is sadistically mocking you, is he a domestic tyrant, insults, humiliates, behaves irresponsibly in relation to his family and children, cold and indifferent to your experiences? The impression is that you deliberately do not talk about the content of your relationship, so as not to be wrong in them. Otherwise, why would you need to emphasize in the first place that you treat a man very well? You would then simply say that the man treats you badly and you suffer a lot from this, asking what you are doing wrong, what mistakes you may not notice, because of which the chosen one (after all, you are not weak-willed concubine in a harem!) behaves this way with you. You would not also grotesquely exaggerate the situation,using the expression - "wipes his feet."

You don't really need an answer to the question at all. The answer lies in your very question: because a man is a scoundrel, he must be one, otherwise you will have to look for the problem in yourself. you do not need knowledge, you need sympathy, help, additional strength to keep in an unconscious state that “component of resentment” that disappoints you in yourself - resentment, aggression against yourself. You turn self-hatred into hatred for a man, because otherwise you will need to admit your personal helplessness, the impossibility of existing without him, whatever he may be.

Such forms of dependence are usually associated with a lack of kindness on the part of the father or other significant loved one in childhood, when the girl has to do all she can to seek approval and love from an indifferent relative, and at the same time he really only "wipes his feet on the child." The child turns out to be forced, as you say, “to treat a loved one all the better” in the hope of getting an appropriate answer, but at best he only faces indifference. The girl grows up, and now an adult woman begins to "play the same role" with her men. And she cannot do otherwise, because she does not know the other. She tries very hard, but the childish need for love and care, which has become an insult, does not allow her to ask herself a question, the answer to which can really stop the dramatic play performed from childhood:Why am I allowing this to be done to me?