Instructions For Cuckolds. Emergency Measures To Save Yourself - Relations

Recently, just on holidays, I had to help my fellow psychologist survive adultery. A friend faced infidelity for the first time, so he “covered” him in full - to the point of unwillingness to live on. We sat through the night, talked, almost coped with the acute phase of the crisis. And this is what I thought: “What about those who did not have a psychologist friend at hand? To climb into the loop, or what? In medical terms, what emergency measures can you take to save yourself a loved one?

Historically, knowledge about the simplest medical procedures and the basics of caring for a victim is physically obligatory for dissemination and use - let us recall at least all these "first aid" to drowning people. But how to “treat and bandage” the wounds of the soul, and even more so how to behave with the “wounded,” is a sealed secret.

Popular methods are limited by the general belief that in this case only the ingestion of exorbitant doses of diluted ethyl alcohol can help.

Note, along the way, that such "disinfection", of course, leads to temporary "anesthesia", but it does not solve the problems, and in many cases it only makes it worse, because the basis of the foundations of any self-help is self-control, but just for it alcohol and affects the most destructive way. It is not without reason that most crimes motivated by jealousy are committed in a state of intoxication.

MENTAL PAIN

It seems that such an attitude to the healing of mental wounds comes from an underestimation of the destructive effect on a person of heart pain, which in many cases turns out to be much stronger than physical. (As one client said: "It would be better if he killed me than changed!")

Our version of "underestimation" is also supported by the fact that the main cause of suicide is called "unbearable mental pain" by researchers. So, in terms of the harm done, psychological damage is quite comparable to physical injuries. No wonder in both cases the word "trauma" is used.

FIRST SHOCK

You were hit on the head like a butt by the news that, in the words of the Pushkin-Rachmaninoff character: “Zemfira is not faithful! My Zemfira - changed! ".

And it begins! The pressure jumps, the blood pounds in the temples, the heart aches, the pulse beats, and the pain starts so that you just don't know what to do with yourself. At the same time, sleep can be lost. That is, not only is your body exposed to extreme stress, but also there is no way to rest!

In such a state - "acute mental trauma" - difficult psychological conversations do not help much, this is the task of the next stages of healing. And now the main thing, as with any injury, is "to stop the blood and bandage the wound."

And here, as in most crisis situations, rather simple techniques are effective, the usefulness of which is sometimes difficult to believe in a normal state. Moreover, under such circumstances, even a minimal relief of your condition will have a positive effect and can become the basis for survival.

WHAT TO DO?

Let's start in order. What are your tasks? What resources do you have for their solution, implementation?

First task

The first task is to insure yourself at the moment of receipt of traumatic information and give yourself the opportunity to move away from shock.

The best thing that can be done in such a position to begin with is to change this very position, that is, simply to lie down. And not just like that, but quite deliberately - you lie as relaxed as possible and slowly digest the information received. If you wish, you can mentally start cursing your partner - all the same, you will hardly have enough for louder manifestations of strength in the first moments.

After the first shock has passed, it's time to start moving.

Second task

The second task is to try to partially reduce the emotional stress that has arisen.

The first option - artistic and theatrical (it is - depending on the circumstances - criminal) - to start these very emotions from oneself by destroying surrounding objects and "expelling" people. It looks, of course, impressive, but it has nothing to do with self-help - rather, on the contrary, a complete loss of self-control. It is not for nothing that the concept of “affect” exists in legal and medical practice.

Option two - trying to get rid of stress is not so aesthetically pleasing, but "cheap, reliable and practical."

The fact is that any emotion in its "limit" has a sound or movement, through which its intensity is remarkably reduced. So you have a fairly wide arsenal of "response" tools at your disposal.

The simplest thing is to walk on foot. I strongly advise against running, especially for those who are over forty or less, but it is definitely known that the heart is weak. This very heart, as the main affected organ, simply cannot withstand a double load.

Singing or screaming - singing in the sense of relieving psycho-emotional stress is a unique thing. By the way, if your vocals do not want to be presented on the stage of at least the Bolshoi Theater, then it is better to expel this roar somewhere in a remote place, so as not to frighten others.

For those who are especially advanced, you can also dance. But, most likely, this dance will be without musical accompaniment - "under pain".

EXTERNAL AND INTERNAL RESOURCES

The third task

The third task is the search and activation of “resources of survival”.

After you have supported yourself a little physically, it's time to start putting things in order in the spiritual space.

Whatever one may say, but the main resource in such situations is understanding your state. The main thing here is to understand that you are now a wounded person. That is, the time has come for self-control, iron discipline and careful attitude towards oneself.

The question arises - where to get this understanding? And all from there - from injury! In the very nature of trauma there is such a state in which we seem to be watching ourselves from the side or watching a movie about ourselves. That is, the element of self-withdrawal is almost always present. It is this resource that is worth using to alleviate your condition. The main thing here is to get to the bottom of the surviving part of yourself, so that there is something to help yourself.

The next resource is the wise use of others

I risk incurring the wrath of my fellow psychologists, who amicably asserting that it is almost impossible to cope with such a level of problems without professional help, but, in my opinion, it does not matter at all where we can get this very outside help, the main thing is really for ourselves. use. For our purposes, any people around who are ready to work with "free ears" are suitable.

They are used to "take away" their pain through familiar and unfamiliar people by "reprimanding". Here you need to be prepared for the fact that in the near future after the injury, you are likely to turn into a boring complainant-storyteller, endlessly telling about the betrayal of your partner. The main thing is to do this "reprimanding" quite consciously. An acquaintance colleague thus managed to pull a very dramatic divorce in two - two and a half months from acquaintances.

At the same time, in this way, an intolerable desire is realized again and again to make sure that, after parting, you did the right thing. For this, more and more new arguments are usually found that demonize the former partner. An absolutely necessary thing, especially if in the process of parting "too much meat was pulled out", as one client remarkably described her condition.

At the same time, in this way, the typical for traumatics "getting stuck" is well worked out. Quite often, they have something small completely “stuck in consciousness”: a phrase, a gesture, an act - and it becomes an obsessive center of memories, concentrating all the horror of what happened.

So, one client, a couple of years after the divorce, made the main emphasis of his story on the fact that, getting out of his apartment, the ex-wife not only took all her things, but also every single cutlery. As a result, in the morning after the divorce, he had nothing to mix sugar and coffee with. And this fact for him at that moment meant more than the separation itself. It was, as it were, the cornerstone of his conviction that he divorced correctly.

By the way, the presence of a new sexual partner really helps - to restore the shaken self-esteem, to physically “break away” from the old one, to take revenge, if you like; and sexual hunger is not the best background for making informed decisions.

WHAT'S NEXT?

Later - give yourself time to think, cool down and … suffer. Mental suffering stretched out over time is a catalyst for self-knowledge. If you have noticed, then unsuccessful people are boring and flat in their worldview. If you try to describe the whole process of living a mental trauma, then everything fits into a simple scheme: news - shock - pain - emptiness - lightness of mental "nonexistence" - expectation when there, inside, that emotional "epithelium" that is responsible for love will again grow. Unfortunately, at any of these stages you can get stuck for a long time.

And here the main thing is not to rush: a poorly healed soul does not begin to love. The danger is that, firstly, this very love "will not take root" - the "fertile" layer is too thin. And secondly, your chosen one is most likely just a "transitional object", that is, you are unlikely to succeed with him, so take pity on your comrade - you have nothing to love, and the person does not know about it.

At the same time, against the background of abandonment and resentment, some develop an indiscriminate rejection of all individuals of the opposite sex, while others have a certain promiscuity in their search for a source of warmth and care. It is precisely they who tend to confuse the compensatory search for attention with the emergence of real feelings during this period. As a result, instead of a long "dog period", they grab onto the first partner they come across (who descended to them), like a drowning man at a straw, and begin to ruin his life and themselves …