Passion For One Night. Why Do Girls Decide On A Casual Relationship - Relationship, Sex

She got up, dressed, and, throwing "Goodbye, baby!" On the way, disappeared behind the door. And you stayed in bed, knowing as if you would never see each other again. And you will never know: how does she cook? What flowers are you delighted with? What kind of music does he like? And most importantly, you never know why she did it - why did she agree so easily to sex with a random man?

What is allowed to a man is not allowed to a woman. Oddly enough, despite the fact that in the courtyard of the XXI century and the boundaries of morality have long been extended, in our country some stereotypes are still strong regarding the behavior of the weaker sex. As before, a man who has many women is a macho, a real male, and a woman who has many men is, to put it mildly, too promiscuous for the majority. But today we will not talk about morality. After all, it is blind condemnation that often prevents one from understanding the causes of certain forms of behavior.

I've often heard men I know express surprise when they hear that women love sex. Therefore, to begin with, I would like us to take this as an axiom: women love sex. They have many erogenous zones. They are capable of having long, fantastically long orgasms. And even a series of orgasms at once! Men, think about it - a series of orgasms in one go. And stop being surprised by this simple fact - women love sex. If your woman does not specifically like him - I think this is a symptom (and perhaps a symptom that it is time for you to improve your skill as a lover). But now is not about that.

PLUS OR MINUS?

According to statistics, casual sex is positively perceived by 80% of men and only 54% of women. However, some studies in recent years show that these results should only be taken into account when corrected. And very significant. It is believed that women, even in anonymous profiles, do not tell the truth.

And yet - many men are sure that the absolute majority of women after casual sex will want "big and pure love." So - dear men, you should not think that a woman is not able to share bed relationships and falling in love for herself. Stop being afraid of us: if a girl agreed to spend the night with you (and at the same time she did not ask for money from you), this does not mean at all that she will now pursue you to the grave (or to the marriage stamp in your passport). Of course, among the fairer sex there are a lot of romantic persons, for whom intimacy is possible only with high feelings, but if you are not able to determine what type of woman you have got in touch with that night, these are your problems.

One evening I met in a cafe with an old friend. As soon as we drank a glass of white wine for a pleasant meeting, she asked me with a mysterious look: how do I feel about casual sexual relations? From the surprise, I was at a loss, and in the meantime she conspiratorially announced that she had conducted her own poll among all the girls I knew (about 30 females from 20 to 45 years old) regarding the presence of casual sexual relations in their experience. Not everyone confessed right away, but in the end it turned out that everyone had a similar experience.

I started going over my girlfriends in my head, and it turned out that among them almost all of them had casual sexual relations. One (let's call her M.) until almost 35 years old led a rather cheerful lifestyle. By this age, only two or three times a relationship with a man crossed the time line of six months. However, even then M. clearly realized that this was not the man of her dreams, and this relationship was temporary. But often in her bed were random fellow travelers, work colleagues, men from dating sites, gentlemen from nightclubs. She sincerely dreamed of meeting her only "love to the grave", but at the same time she enjoyed casual relationships. She eventually fell in love. Fortunately, it's mutual. And now he does not even remember his sexual exploits. We can say that M. is an excellent example of male behavior that we understand:first you need to walk up, and then fall in love and have children. On the other hand, seeing this girl in person, you will never doubt her femininity, grooming, elegance. Language will not turn to call her promiscuous or easily accessible. She just always knew what she wanted. And I followed my desires.

Boris Novozhdkin,

psychologist, gestalt therapist:

“Let's transfer this situation to restaurant selection. Today you came to one and ordered meat. And tomorrow - in another and ate fish. Nobody will scold you: “Ay-ay, how inconsistent or how inconsistent. You decide - do you eat meat or fish !? " It would be foolish to say that. After all, it is obvious that a person, before making a choice, must understand what he likes, must try. It's the same in relationships. This girl - chose, tried, searched. And then I found it. What promiscuity can we talk about? This is normal behavior. It is immoral - when you slept once, it was good or bad - it doesn't matter, but the main thing is that now you have to marry and sleep with only one person who, perhaps, you don't even like.

We are all different, and we enter into casual relationships for different reasons. For example, I have two acquaintances who in everyday life adhere to generally accepted moral standards. They are both married and, as far as I can tell, sincerely love their men. From each I heard only admiration for their chosen one - and no hints that they consider this marriage to be unsuccessful. However, under the influence of different circumstances (which are generally somewhat similar: a trip to a distant and exotic country, alcohol and adventures experienced during the day), both ladies decided on adultery. Then, of course, there were pangs of conscience. But, having made a decision for themselves that it was an accident and that this would not happen again, each of them calmed down after some time. And she continued to live in a happy marriage with an unsuspecting husband. As Homer Simpson from The Simpsons said,"You cannot constantly blame yourself for something - blame yourself once and live peacefully on." Perhaps Homer's approach is not very compatible with Christian morality, but, it seems to me, it allows you to preserve your family and your own psyche.

Unfortunately, I know of another, rather sad example. So, one girl (let's call her I.) regularly succumbs to the temptation of casual relationships, despite feelings for her husband, only because … she is afraid of getting pregnant. It so happened that at the very beginning of their family life she had a miscarriage. And for I., the incident turned out to be a very strong psychological trauma. As a result, sex with her husband began to scare her. She cannot completely relax in bed with him, which means she cannot have fun. But intimacy with any other man does not give rise to traumatic memories, and she carelessly indulges in sex without obligation. She realizes that what is happening is not entirely normal. But she claims that she is not yet ready to discuss this problem with a stranger. Even a professional psychologist or psychiatrist.

Rodion Chepalov,

consultant psychologist:

“One of the ways to deal with fear is to articulate it, ask for help, a rational approach to solving the problem. You need to tell yourself frankly: “A miscarriage can happen to anyone. But this is hardly her husband's fault. Am I afraid of getting pregnant? Then my husband and I need to protect themselves. Do I want to get pregnant? Then you need to think over the measures against miscarriage with the gynecologist”. You need to tell yourself frankly: “The miscarriage did not depend on the husband. And there is no point in cheating on him for this reason. " Another thing is that the reason for treason may be different: resentment against her husband, husband is bad in bed, and so on. Then these problems need to be solved."

EXPERT OPINION

Tatiana Volkova, psychologist, image consultant

IN ONE STRUCTURE

The sign of our time is that men are becoming like women, women are like men. On the one hand, this is not bad. But we don’t think about the fact that, by changing the stereotypes of behavior, we do not always have time to change the attitudes about how we want to live. Most women who live like men, sleep like men, in the depths of their souls dream of a "prince", next to whom you can turn from a "horse" you know with what into a fragile helpless lamb. Only the "princes" feel the "horses" a mile away. And willingly get up with them in the same team - enter into business relations or begin to make friends, as with "their guys." And they start a relationship with "sheep". Is this what strong women want? No! It is good sometimes to think about the fact that, adopting the male style of behavior, we provoke one-off contacts with the guys we like. And then we leave with the words “Goodbye, baby!"And … we lose part of the femininity that the" princes "so want to see in us. This is how we set ourselves up for disappointment.

And yet, casual sex is at least exciting, regardless of the reasons that allow the girl to decide on it. The fact itself, and one's own courage, and the fact that casual sex is also casual, to take place, as a rule, in unexpected places, excites blood. Sometimes people walk very close, go about their business and do not even suspect what is happening at this time in a car parked on the side of the road.

The top 6 situations in which girls decide to go extreme look like this:

• 1st place: on a business trip
• 2nd place: during or immediately after the club disco
• 3rd place: at a party of friends
• 4th place: in the workplace
• 5th place: on the train
• 6th place: on vacation

But these are situations. Places can be very different and unexpected: a forest, an elevator, a cinema, a museum, a roof of a house, a street (right under the windows of your own apartment), a staircase, a river, a night sea beach, a car seat, children's attractions (for example, a Ferris wheel), necessarily - toilets of restaurants and clubs, in some cases - theatrical backstage. Some even managed to do this in dolmens (stone megaliths of unknown origin in the Caucasus). What's happening? Why is the more extreme the place, the greater the chance of "getting hot", the more pleasure we get?

Rodion Chepalov,

consultant psychologist:

“Extreme sex should be divided into the one that happens under the influence of alcohol, and the one that happens on a sober head. Extreme under the influence of alcohol brings great pleasure because alcohol relaxes, makes a person more relaxed. And in this case, the faster the sex - the more enjoyable. However, one must remember that this is fraught: one must not forget about protection.

Extreme sober is a special conversation. Here you need to understand that not all people get pleasure from extreme sex. There are a huge number of people who value complete safety and intimacy. There are women and men who seek to retire and can have sex only where “no one will see”, “no one will come in”, “no one will hear”. This is especially true for women: in an unsafe environment, this type of woman may not have an orgasm at all.

Conscious pleasure in extreme sports is associated with individual responses to sex education. In the language of depth psychology, the motives for extreme can be different. For example: “I am cooler than other people who cannot afford it,” “I am not afraid of anyone,” “I can tell about it later,” “Nobody has done this here before me,” and so on. The fear of being caught scares someone, but excites someone - this is very individual. For example, a girl who was tightly controlled sexually by her mother, in adulthood may withdraw from sex, or, on the contrary, practice its extreme forms (“to spite the mother”)."

A completely different question - men and male "deeds". Some strive for variety, others say that everyday life is unbearably boring and casual sex is a way to make it brighter. Still others simply cannot realize their fantasies with their beloved wife, because "with these lips she kisses my children!" Others do not hide that casual relationships for them are a way of self-affirmation.

Boris Novozhdkin,

psychologist, gestalt therapist:

“Unfortunately, most Russian men consider going with their wife to a sex shop for some interesting toy a shame and debauchery. But having a mistress is cool, it's like a kid. Like, if sex with your wife is bored, you need to look for a new woman. No. The new must be looked for in the other, it depends on your own ability to see the new."

By the way, judging by the research of the University of Durham (Britain), which was published by The Daily Mail, women often admit that casual sex in most cases does not live up to their expectations. About half of the unmarried girls surveyed regret having agreed to have sex on their first date or with a man they knew very little about.

Boris Novozhdkin,

psychologist, gestalt therapist:

“Many people attach too much importance to sex. Of course, this is a key concept in the relationship between a man and a woman. But the paradox is that it is the one who overestimates him who reduces everything to sex.

If a woman puts sex at the forefront, then after everything has happened, she has a dilemma: “Was I in love enough to sleep with this man? How good was it? If not, then I am a girl of easy virtue. And if it is enough, then it turns out that you have to get married …”Once again: transfer this situation to food. Of course, a person prefers to eat only something tasty. But he was starving for a while. And out of hunger, he swallows some filth. Does he now need to eat this for the rest of his life? Perhaps this comparison sounds a little rough, but the point is that an adult must be aware of his “taste preferences”."

It turns out that the attitude towards sex as one of the most important areas in our adult life is formed and develops under the influence of a thousand factors. And each example of a casual or non-casual relationship will have its own subtleties. And probably the only thing that can be said firmly is that indulging in this pleasant activity, do not forget about safety.