“I Constantly Feel Guilty Before My Husband And Children ” - Self-development, Society

It has become very difficult lately to cope with the burden of life. I turn everywhere, but I have no time. I am literally torn apart between my family, relatives and friends, I try to be a good wife and mother, a kind person, a good friend, a reliable employee. And it seems to be so, but I do not feel satisfaction from life. I constantly feel guilty before my husband and children. What am I doing wrong?

Lydia, 31 years old

There are people who are “guilty around”. They live with a constant background sense of guilt. Before the parents, who rarely come to visit. Before her husband that the relationship has become a routine. In front of children that they can not give them more. They enter the position of colleagues and friends and cannot say "no" at all. They concede: "I don't need it as much as they do." They agree to the inconvenient, do not talk about their needs, but care a lot about strangers. They can be recognized by their frequent apologies. They will never take the last piece of the pie and skip in line all "who can only ask", while being late to the doctor.

Guilt is a powerful hole where vital energy flows. The “guilty” are distinguished by a constant feeling of fatigue, inability to enjoy life, anxiety and irritability

Why are some people moderately selfish, sleeping peacefully, not tormented by thoughts "are they all happy with me." And if they offend others, do they easily apologize and move on? Also rarely call relatives, declare themselves, and even “pump their rights” when needed? Why is this way of life not available to the “guilty”?

Why and how it happens

1. Feelings of guilt are instilled at an early age

The feeling of guilt is instilled at an early age, when it is still impossible to think critically and evaluate the actions of adults. If mom regularly says in a tired voice that you have only problems, it is very believable. When you fall short of the image of the ideal child - “the son of a mother’s friend”, guilt penetrates the basic firmware of the personality. I'm not like that. If I were better, smarter, they would be proud of me. Then, perhaps, mom would not have been so tortured and would not quarrel with dad.

What to do when you have grown up, but you still feel that you are not good enough? The best way out is psychotherapy. If it is not available, it is also possible to gain recognition of your own worth in a reliable and warm relationship, regardless of achievements. Replace "I am not like that" with "I am good, you can love me as I am."

2. Guilt implies increased responsibility

For yourself and others. Children's thinking is magical: the well-being of parents depends on me. And adults reinforce this way of thinking. Often they are immature themselves, they expect from the child that he will delve into the worries, listen. Will not be strong and responsible for his age. He will bring fives so that mom does not get upset. Refuses to walk, because dad is drunk and you need to reason with him. Such children are serious and reasonable. Growing up, they consider themselves to be involved in all troubles.

A neighbor complains that she has a small pension, but do you feel guilty for your well-being? A colleague does not have time to pick up the child, and you have to regularly finish her work? Is it unbearable to see when others feel bad, do you want to do something immediately so as not to feel corrosive guilt? It's time to say stop to yourself. Remember that friends and colleagues are adults who are able to cope with their lives. They are not weaker and do not need guardianship. You can offer all possible help, but not take on everything. And remember that omnipotence is an illusion.

3. Parents foster pride in the child

"You are such an adult, you do not run in discos like others." "It's great that you didn't grow up to be selfish." It's nice to feel like a strong altruist, able to solve any situation. It only turns out that there is no one to share their troubles with: those around them are ready to complain for hours, but do not find time to listen. When you calculate how much you have done for others and what you have received from them, it is easy to feel deceived.

The relationship of mature people is a mutual exchange on an equal footing

Giving up on salvation is difficult, but it is the only way to develop sincere and deep relationships with others.

4. The role of a good, non-selfish person involves suppressing anger

I shouldn't be angry with others, even if they cause me discomfort. They will be frightened and disappointed. They will say that they did not expect and may end the contact.

Anger is a basic emotion, without which it is impossible to maintain your boundaries. If they are regularly violated, anger will arise regardless of desire

It can be suppressed, but it will erupt in the form of irritability and passive aggression. It’s more environmentally friendly to learn to complain without waiting for it to rip off the lid of the mental cauldron.

5. But what if they leave me?

What will I do then alone? Feel guilty about not living up to expectations. And desperately bored, because there is no one to save.

You need to learn to recognize your own needs and switch the focus of attention to them. At the same time accepting the idea that this is not selfishness. You can be in good quality contact with others when you know what you want. In true adult relationships, there is room for both resentment and forgiveness. And anger and joy. They involve the refusal of custody, salvation and self-sacrifice.