4 Skills Of Honest Conversation - Self-development

How to learn to speak frankly? And how important is it for maintaining a relationship for years to come? Psychologist John Gottman suggests dating at any age and, of course, learning to speak frankly. There are four frank conversation skills to master

Dating is the surest way to spend time with each other, as well as the opportunity to have meaningful, candid conversations. Learn the art of having conversations that are both frank and meaningful

Some people find frank conversations easier, others harder. We suggest that you learn skills that will help everyone express how they feel. You don't have to use them every time, although there are no restrictions here. They are used to start and maintain a frank conversation.

Habit # 1. Express your feelings in words

Try to say: I feel …

• that you accept me
• that you understand me
• that you reject me
• that you appreciate me
• abandoned myself
• communication between us
• that you misunderstand me
• that you underestimate me
• excitement
• loneliness
• that i am alone
• chagrin
• anxiety
• offense
• that you belittle me
• yourself offended
• fatigue
• that you don't accept me
• my closeness to you
• what is far from you
• scared myself
• bewilderment
• that you neglect me
• comfortable yourself
• uncomfortable myself
• depression
• thanks to you
• yourself a loser
• shame
• righteous indignation
• fear
• shyness
• tenderness and affection
• tension
• loyal
• that you don't even like me
• that annoy you
• its alienation
• anger
• sexual arousal
• romantic mood
• yourself unattractive
• regret
• disgust
• fear
• yourself happy
• joy
• boredom

Now talk about WHY you have these feelings. You can include a description of the events that led to this feeling, a story from your childhood, your observations, insight or revelation that you felt - in general, anything that has a connection between the feeling and what you think caused it. …

Habit # 2. During a frank conversation, ask your partner open-ended questions

Try asking questions like the following:

• What do you feel?
• What else do you feel?
• What do you want?
• What would you really like?
• How did all this happen?
• What would you really like to say and to whom exactly?
• What feelings are you afraid to even think about?
• Do you have mixed feelings and what kind?
• Have you faced an internal conflict?
• What events from your own life does this remind you of?
• What are your obligations (or obligations) in this situation?
• What decisions do you need to make?
• How does this fit in with your values?
• Think of the person you truly admire. What would he say or do and how would he view this situation?
• Do these feelings and needs have any spiritual, moral, ethical or religious significance for you personally?
• Who or what do you disapprove of?
• How does this affect your self-image?
• What has changed or is changing in you now, and how did these changes affect the situation?
• What are you most dissatisfied with and how do you react to it?
• How would you like this situation to be resolved now or in the future?
• Imagine you only have six months to live. What would be most important to you then?
• What are your goals?
• What should you take responsibility for in this situation?

Habit # 3. Help your partner talk about their feelings and needs in a frank conversation

Try inserting any of the following phrases into your conversation:

• Tell me a story related to this situation.
• I want to know everything you feel.
• Talk to me, I listen to you.
• For me now there is nothing more important than listening to you.
• We have plenty of time to talk. Take your time, speak properly.
• Tell me what are your top priorities in this situation.
• Tell me what you need right now.
• What choices do you think you have?
• It's okay when you don't know what to do; but what assumptions do you have?
• You speak very clearly. Go on.
• Help me understand your feelings better. Do not stop.
• I think you've already found a solution. Tell us what it is.
• Help me see the situation through your eyes. What are the most important moments for you?
• Tell me what worries you the most.
• Tell me more about how you see this situation.
• Tell us about the decision you think you will have to make.

Habit # 4. Show tolerance, empathy, and support your partner in a frank conversation

Try inserting empathetic statements such as the following into the conversation:

• Everything you said is completely justified.
• I understand how you feel.
• You must be feeling so hopeless!
• I can feel your despair when you talk about it.
• You are in a difficult situation.
• I can feel your pain.
• I'm on your side.
• Oh cool, sounds amazing!
• You must be very upset.
• I support your position.
• I totally agree with you.
• You feel trapped!
• It seems to disgust you!
• You are in great pain. I can feel it.
• It must have upset you.
• What a disappointment!
• It's very scary.
• That would disappoint me too.
• That would hurt my feelings too.
• That would sadden me too.
• Wow! It must have been unpleasant.
• It must have upset you a lot.
• No wonder you're angry.
• Okay, I think I get it. So you feel …
• Let me paraphrase and briefly retell your words.
• It would make me feel insecure.
• This sounds intimidating.

Of course, you don't have to ask your partner all the questions on the list. It is enough to choose a few of the most responsive, close to you. And remember that you are both just learning to speak frankly, mastering this powerful psychological technique. And everyone has the right to make mistakes

Read more: John Gottman. 8 important dates. How to create a relationship for life. M.: ODRI, 2019.