"Even Girls Beat My Son!" - Blogs, Society

My son is 5.5 years old, he goes to kindergarten. He says that there are children in the garden who love to fight, and they beat him, shove him, take away toys. His father said to him: "So give it to the forehead!" And he continues to complain. Father to him: “He hit you, but what are you?!..” “Nothing. I told him not to do that again. " We are terrified: it will grow into a squishy. And then they began to find out from the teacher, so it turned out that not only boys but also some girls beat the son! We don't know what to do. How to teach him to defend himself?

Maria, Krasnodar.

Of course, I don't know anything about the boy from the letter. Therefore, I will rely on my experience in kindergarten for 12 years. The first version that arises is the “ peacemaker child ”. I have seen these children and their worried parents many times. These children never get into fights on their own and prefer not to fight back. As a rule, they have high intelligence and speech well developed for their age. Another child will hit or vomit the toy - simply because he is not "ripe" to agree, words and wording are not enough. The child peacemaker in this situation will negotiate.

How do they deal with aggression from other children?

• First, they try to prevent it. High intelligence allows them to do this: they watch the aggressor and try not to intersect with him if he is in a state of readiness. Of course, this is not always possible, especially in conditions of close communication with the group.
• Second, they try to discuss what happened. And if aggression occurs, the peacemaker (if it is not very painful for him) will try to explain to the aggressor what is unpleasant for him and will ask him not to do it again. Sometimes such communication is more useful than the actions of the educator to put the "bully" in a corner.
• Third, they deal with the conflicts of other children if they see injustice. They are like little "lawyers" or, more precisely, human rights activists - they try to analyze the situation from several sides. Again - sometimes with more attention than the teacher and with more sense.

But do not think that they perceive aggression in their direction as something normal. No, they experience it as injustice. They often treat all children well and see good qualities in them (even in the aggressors). And it is difficult for them to understand how a good person can act so badly. That is why they do not respond with aggression, but go to an adult to explain the situation. And they themselves try to explain to the aggressor that it is not worth doing that, that it is possible to agree.

Therefore, to teach such children "to give in the forehead" …

• a) useless: they have their own value system, where violence should be avoided as much as possible.
• b) it is harmful: you will both knock down their own "aim" and not implement your own.
• c) out of date: in a world where there is a turn towards the idea of "against violence", teaching a child peacemaker to use violent methods is at least strange.

Will he be able to defend himself? I think yes. The child peacemaker tries to act as nonviolently as possible. There is hardly a real danger in a kindergarten, comparable to a teenager who met aggressors on the street. And for such a meeting, you may well be able to help him prepare.

1. Sports

   Violent sports (martial arts, boxing) are not suitable for this child. But those about body dexterity and "survival" are quite. Track and field athletics, tourism, football, tennis - all this trains the body without loading the theme of aggression.

2. Self-defense classes

   At an older age, it is quite possible to offer to take such a course.

And some general recommendations

1. Talk to your child more often, find out why he acts this way and not otherwise. Remember to ask if he is dealing with the situation or if he needs you to step in and help.
2. Be in contact with the provider. Ask her if the child is an outcast in the group (in this case, the tactics will be completely different). If a child in a group is loved, if he has friends, then there is nothing to worry about.
3. Find out objective information. "Even girls beat their son" sounds like a noble scarecrow, but in fact it may turn out to be just one aggressive girl who does this to everyone. If a habitual aggression comes from someone, then this should draw attention to the aggressor in order to understand and provide him (her) with help.

So…

Unfortunately, aggression in preschool and primary school age is a fairly common story. Children lack the verbal ability to resolve conflicts with words. Sometimes it’s not even about conflicts, but about the fact that children want to start playing, but are poorly able to offer, but it’s good to act through the game “come on, take it away!” or "come on, catch up!" And what is needed is to help the child in the development of speech. And also in training with him strategies of peaceful communication. But it is, rather, to the parents of the "aggressors".

Parents of "peacemakers" can afford to relax and ask themselves "how did it happen that we have a child who can do this?"

Perhaps in the comments you can share this experience if you recognize your child in the portrait of the “peacemaker”.