How Does Reliability Differ From Kindness? How To Learn To Say No - Self-development

Relatives and close friends are certainly a great gift. This is our support, support, family and rear. Every year we learn to value nepotism more and more, comprehending the Zen of quiet domestic joys and meetings. But sometimes, every year, we feel an increasing irritation and an unpleasant feeling that we are simply being used. Endless requests and expectations of relatives press, and to refuse means ruining the relationship, which in no case can be done. How to push back reliability and learn to say "no" without losing communication with loved ones?

Reliability: kindness, altruism, spinelessness?

Trouble-free refers to those to whom you can turn for help at any time of the day or night in the confidence that you will be supported. The ability to help unconditionally is more of a virtue. But often, those who ask are grateful, but not respectful. Why is this happening?

A reliable person has no boundaries of his own

He does not show his values, his personal territory to the outside world. He does not defend "his". One gets the impression that he does not have this "his" at all. A reliable person is kind and convenient. And, actually, that's all. He is not interesting as a person. And if conscientious acquaintances sincerely sympathize with him and empathize with him, other people simply do not respect him. Most likely, in your environment there is such a cute, dependable kind person. It's more difficult if this is you.

Why can't we refuse?

1. We are afraid of losing our relationship. Here you need to remember that refusal will not affect sincere sympathy. Everything else is manipulation.
2. We are afraid to seem rude and ill-mannered. This is an attitude from childhood that it is "ugly to refuse"
3. We are afraid to receive a response refusal. "Now I will say no, and if I need help, they will also refuse me." Is it really necessary in life to have people ready to help only for a service?
4. Lack of self-esteem. Devaluation of their own hobbies and preferences.

Spending time on endlessly solving other people's problems and satisfying other people's requests, you are stealing this time from yourself. Together with energy that is not as easy to replenish as it seems. Talents and opportunities cannot be realized if you endlessly spend your strength on services to others. This has nothing to do with "doing a good deed", and you should not justify yourself with this. It's more about "bad service". Your petitioner gets used to the fact that everyone will do it for him. So why would he try at all then? It is enough to simply formulate a request. From the point of view of psychology, reliability is not at all harmless character trait.

Reliability speaks of self-doubt and even a sense of inferiority

When we say no, we distance ourselves from the person who made the request. By agreeing, on the contrary, we are getting closer. Accordingly, a person who does not know how to refuse and is always ready to help experiences an urgent need to get closer to people. This can be due to complexes acquired in childhood, parental tyranny or overprotection, adolescent trauma. Such problems are being corrected, the main thing is to recognize their reality.

We diagnose our own reliability

Saying “no” can be difficult, especially when loved ones ask you. Relatives who come a couple of times a year to "see", but in fact "stay". The aunt who decided your common tradition was to watch a movie together on Sunday. Parents waiting for you every week for your trip to the grocery food court.

5 signs that you have stopped living your life, but have become comfortable for everyone

1. You take on more than you can. Yes, most likely you will be in time. Fatigue and emptiness don't count, of course. And with all this, you know that your older sister (let's say) could very well have gone with her parents to the supermarket today instead of you.
2. You find yourself where you do not like at all. An inconvenient concert in the morning on Sunday (“Go, support my friend, please!”), A rally in defense of something there (“Please, let's go together”) - these are all “not yours”.
3. Even if you feel hurt and annoyed, you remain silent. Conflict is taboo.
4. You truly believe that you are being asked because it is you. You are sure that it is your help that will bring joy to the petitioner.
5. You are constantly suppressing your emotions. Sometimes up to headache and OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder, neurosis, obsessive compulsive disorder).

Learning to say no

The ability to refuse is an art. And you can learn it only by experience. Saying an objective “no” does not mean ruining relationships and losing loved ones. It means finding yourself again and gaining the respect of others.

• Voice your refusal by saying that firm “no”. No unsure "I don't know", "maybe not." If you have been asked (read - manipulated) before, then this time you will hear "yes, I will." Only a clear "no".
• Explain the reason. No need to run away quickly after this "no". Explain that you do not have the time and resources this time. And no need to make excuses, just explain.
• Suggest an alternative. Naturally, the option that you are sure of. In this case, the person will not be offended by the refusal, but will feel your disposition.
• Praise. For example, you are invited to an event that in itself does not interest you, and also takes place at the end of the world on Sunday at 9:00. Say it's great idea, but you want to sleep on Sunday. Next time, maybe join.
• Apologize less, thank more. When you constantly say “I'm sorry,” you instill in the person the confidence that you are wrong. Try replacing “sorry” with “thank you”. "Thank you for asking / inviting / telling / understanding." A person likes to be thanked.

The ability to say no when you really cannot and do not want to do it - this is the management of various life difficulties. Having once said a clear "no", you will learn to understand where there is manipulation and where is a sincere request for help. You will be able to protect yourself from negative emotions and show more love and care for your loved ones. Having got rid of the burden of invented indispensability and responsibility for other people's problems, you will receive a powerful return of what is good and truly important to you.