“The Husband Grumbles All The Time That Other Wives Are Better ” - Relations

“My husband grumbles all the time, is dissatisfied with the fact that I do not clean the apartment well and do not have time to cook dinner for his arrival. All the time I hear phrases like “but my colleague’s wife has time to do everything: the house is always clean, and the children are loved, and he is surrounded by care …” How to stop this, but not to offend the husband?”.

Maria, 48 years old

Hello Maria! Agree, when we hear such words, then starting to clean up and take care of a partner is the last thing we want to do. Rather, we will react to the form of the message: we will feel resentment for being compared with another woman, irritated at an aggressive tone, and we will begin to snap back. Reproaches from a spouse will not help to clean up better, and both will ruin the mood.

Let's see what actually happens between partners in a similar situation.

Nagging about a partner, unflattering comparisons with "exemplary" acquaintances - this is a kind of passive aggression

Passive aggression is an indirect expression of emotions, when a person avoids open dialogue, but achieves his goal in obscenities. An unmet need is behind passive-aggressive statements. For example, a spouse may feel a lack of attention on your part, a lack of care and love, and express this in dissatisfaction with everyday little things.

It is difficult to realize the need for love and say directly about it, because then the person will show that he needs something, it depends on you

To start reproaching, hinting at other people's examples is easier, safer for self-esteem, so a person involuntarily chooses this particular method.

But the essence of the indirect message is "notice me, take care of me!" lost behind his accusatory form. We react emotionally to a reproach and fail to notice a hidden request for love. We respond with open aggression, a conflict arises. As a result, the partner gets our attention during an argument, but does not satisfy his need for love. Therefore, soon he again resorts to passive-aggressive reproaches in the hope that this time you will guess what he really needs.

Algorithm of 4 actions

To break this vicious circle, I recommend the following:

• 1. Be true to yourself.

  Remember that you do not want to harm your spouse and do what you can for the family. A man has the right to think differently, but you are a separate person and may disagree with him.

• 2. Be clear that this form of communication is not suitable for you.

  Avoid a passive-aggressive tone yourself, and do not get angry, this will not help improve the relationship. It is better to say how you feel when you hear reproaches from your partner. If you find it difficult to contain your irritation, postpone discussing the situation until you are both calm.

• 3. Talk only about the current situation.

  Although you probably have accumulated resentment for the former "hairpins", discuss what has led to the exacerbation now. This will help your partner understand that you are partial to their condition and tune in to more direct clarification.

• 4. Ask directly about the reasons for the partner's dissatisfaction.

  Do not be afraid to say literally, like with a child: "Are you offended that I did not cook dinner because you wanted me to take care of you?" This may sound rather naive, and be prepared to hear a rude response at first, "Well, of course, you have to take care of me." In fact, you show the person that you notice their need. Gradually, the partner will feel more emotional security and appreciate your willingness to discuss difficulties, he will be able to speak more directly about what he needs. There will be fewer reasons for conflicts.

Note, this does not mean that you should now clean up and prepare dinner as your spouse expects.

“Seeing” a partner's need and satisfying it are two different things

It is important to make it clear to the person that you recognize his right to have desires, and you yourself value your relationship. Whether you end up making dinner as he asks is another matter. If this is difficult for you for some reason, discuss in what other form you can take care of him so that you both would be pleased. For example, he will eventually cook himself, but from those products that you bought, taking into account his tastes. You will spend less effort, but the spouse will still be convinced of your love. The need for caring will be satisfied, and the man will not have to reach it in a passive-aggressive manner.

It is possible to reduce the manifestations of passive aggression in a couple, but success depends on the desire of both partners. Communication can be established when both are ready to change and be sensitive to each other. If this does not happen, if you are not ready to listen to the words of your spouse, and he is only waiting for concessions from you, then it is unlikely that something will change, and you should think about whether you need to continue such a relationship.