How To Create A New Love Scheme. About The Hakomi Method - Self-development

Many beautiful words are spoken about love, but love is a scheme. The scheme that was laid in childhood.

The child appears in this world as a white sheet, and the environment begins to put notes on this sheet: "you are necessary," "you are superfluous," "you are good," "you are bad," etc. With these messages, the child will go further along life, will move into adulthood and he himself will begin to implement the scenario laid down in it.

For example, a child whom the family was really expecting and met with sincere joy, will feel easy and comfortable at the moment of meeting and come to new companies. And the possible antipathy won't do him significant damage. Our perception is selective, and we notice what corresponds to our inner convictions: the Russian physiologist A. A. Ukhtomsky wrote about this 100 years ago, developing the theory of the dominant - the dominant focus of excitation in the brain.

A child who faces rejection or criticism in the family will live in accordance with his dominants. In adulthood, he will be sensitive to precisely these topics, and each time, faced with such reactions from others, it is painful to experience rejection and criticism, internally agreeing with them.

The need for love is one of the basic ones for a person, because love implies care and assistance in survival, and rejection is tantamount to death: if the flock drives away, you cannot survive alone in the jungle

Instinctively, the child seeks love and is afraid of rejection, avoiding it with all his might and adapting to the environment. Will the environment give him love? In what form? Will the loving contact be stable and reliable? Here are the vital questions for a child.

The environment interacts with the child in one way or another, and gradually this scheme seems to be absorbed inward, internalized. On the basis of relationships with parents and other close people, a self-relationship system arises. In the future, it is played over and over again in relations with the environment.

Adult love script

As the child was loved, so he will treat himself and take care of himself. And this is how he will treat others

Here it is, the scheme of love - a love scenario in adulthood. And it's not just about love relationships in the narrow sense: romantic and sexual. This is a general scheme of interaction in a different type of relationship: with relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbors, with the world …

For example, a child was born into a family in which he was not given unconditional love, the environment was critical. He was raised through comments, and approval was given only in response to achievements and merit. In adulthood, he will most likely treat himself in the same way: expect and demand a lot from himself, strive for achievements, and take failures in business very painfully, as a personal fiasco. And if he does not know what unconditional acceptance and love are, how can he give it to his loved ones? Most likely, he will be critical, rarely approve and praise. Raise your children the same way you raised him.

How the hakomi method changes the pattern of love

The internal system of self-regulation, the pattern of love can change, but this is a rather slow process. Such a direction of psychotherapy as the hakomi method, founded in the 1980s by Ron Kurtz and recently came to Russia, pays great attention to the value of unconditional love and acceptance.

The hakomi therapist works in a certain state to which he attunes, it is called "loving presence." Such contact is already healing in itself, because it makes up for children's deficiencies of love, acceptance, importance and need. And for some clients, it becomes generally the first experience of acceptance by another person.

Just as in childhood there is an interiorization of parental figures and contact with them, so the scheme of relationships with a psychotherapist in adulthood is assimilated by the client. It becomes a new experience and - a part of his inner world. Then he can treat himself and others differently: with greater acceptance, warmth, non-judgmental and supportive …

What does the social network have to do with it?

In the modern world there is a problem of narcissism, it is fueled by social networks: numerous selfies, demonstration of their private life, counting likes and comments under posts …

There is a psychoanalytic explanation: the world is overpopulated, megacities are overcrowded, family ties are destroyed, as a result, a person feels his smallness, insignificance, vulnerability, uselessness, insignificance. I would like to compensate for this inner "insignificance": by achievements or the illusion of success, identification with superheroes when watching films about heroes with superpowers.

But narcissism does not imply true self-love, it is self-centeredness, not love

On the contrary, a modern person is constantly dissatisfied with himself, and social networks just increase this dissatisfaction: the user understands the difference between the laid out photos (usually heavily processed) and his real body, between the illusion of success that he creates and reality. And besides, he begins to compare his real life with the illusion that others create, and he believes in it.

Lack of unconditional love, a sense of need and acceptance are acute deficiencies of a modern person. It is important to rebuild the inner love pattern by treating yourself with sympathy and valuelessness

More about this in a conversation with Bettina Doyster, a hakomi therapist from Germany:

Part 1

Part 2