7 Ways To Hear Your Partner - Relations

Surely, many of our readers know how important it is to be able to listen. But do you personally always apply these rules? Test yourself and find out how proficient you are in the art of listening

What does it mean to “listen correctly”? First of all, it means striving to understand - without condemnation, attempts to defend yourself or to fight back. This is a kind of acceptance. An act requiring a conscious decision. And it is impossible if you do not go beyond your own head. If you stay within yourself, the voice in your head will be your own, not the voice of your loved one.

1. Be careful

Put your smartphone, tablet, and any other gadgets aside. Turn them off, or at least put them in silent mode. Show genuine curiosity and interest in what your partner is saying. Lean forward, make eye contact and don't interrupt.

2. Be present

Conversation is dialogue, so as you listen, you don't just press the pause button in your own monologue. Being fully present as a listener, you do not think out for the interlocutor his next remark and, while your partner speaks, do not formulate what you will say next, do not prepare your objection. Instead, you just listen.

3. Ask questions

If you do not understand something, ask questions, and then listen to the answers. Remember, it’s open-ended questions that reveal the soul. Insert phrases that help you understand the other person. For example: "Can you tell us more about this?", "Is there any story or memory associated with this?" And also remember that this is not an interrogation, but a conversation.

4. Tune in

Your task as a listener is to "tune in" to your partner. Take care not to belittle his feelings by brushing them off or trying to fix them. You don't have to cheer up your partner or try to cheer him up. Your only goal is to simply listen and try to understand.

5. Be a witness

To be a listener is to be a witness. This means that you are listening so that your partner does not feel so alone. A powerful way to be a witness and "be close" to your partner is to repeat in your own words what you have heard from him, and in this way communicate your support to him.

For example, if your partner has just described a problem with a friend, you might say, “It seems like the friend made you very upset with his claims and prejudices. I understand perfectly why it made you feel so.”

You don't have to talk as a psychotherapist. You just let your partner know that you heard him. Keep in mind that the partner does not know what is really going on in our head, although we are often sure that he should know this. Let him know in words that you heard him.

6. Avoid judgment

Don't be critical or advise unless your partner asks for it. In every conversation, your partner should feel respect, understanding, and empathy on your part. The conversations we advocate require a certain amount of vulnerability and openness - an atmosphere in which each partner feels safe and can share their deepest feelings, thoughts, and fears with the other.

Remember, the purpose of these conversations is not to prove that you are right in your views and that your partner is wrong. Their goal is to understand the similarities and differences between you and to create an atmosphere of empathy for the reasons that prompted you to see the world exactly as you see it.

7. Reinforce acceptance

In these conversations, you will deepen your understanding of each other, and this requires a high level of openness and a willingness to be vulnerable. Try to understand what resonates with your partner, and work on accepting your partner for who they are. Cherish what you have and cultivate gratitude towards each other. Listening is not always easy, but without it, frank conversations are impossible.

There are questions that you can ask while listening to each other's answers; they will help you find the right path in your dates and relationships. Over time, they will become a habit with you. Here are some of the best questions to help you understand your partner:

• What do you feel?
• What do you need?
• What are your decisions?
• How can I help?
• What's your worst-case scenario in this situation?
• What would be the ideal outcome for you in this situation?

If you catch yourself not understanding each other, but on the contrary, slipping into conflict, take a deep breath (counting to ten helps a lot, because this is how you calm the emotional centers of the brain) or go to the toilet.

This is an important job. As you begin to notice if you are listening and hearing each other, your friendship and love will grow and you will begin your life together on a solid foundation. In Ireland they say: what is started is half done. So your journey towards a life of love has already begun

Read more: John Gottman. 8 important dates. How to create a relationship for life. M.: ODRI, 2019.