Gingerbread Complex. How We Want To Be Liked And What Comes Of It - Image, Self-development

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

"I want everyone to like it!" A successful business woman, a ninth-grade girl, and a sweet kind housewife can secretly (or openly) admit this. The women's story “to be good for everyone,” and especially to be liked by men, goes back to childhood, where the historical recording of the scenario of a future life takes place

What is “want to be liked”? Why do we need this and what are we doing for this? Let's figure out whether we like it or not.

You did not come into this world to live up to my expectations. Just as I did not come here to justify yours.

Frederick Perls

Psychologist Ben Michaelis once conducted a study that showed that an ordinary person likes about 85% of his environment. If this figure is less, perhaps his character is not sugar. If more, something is also wrong. A person who wants to please everyone, without exception, suffers from dependence on the opinions of others, has an extremely low self-esteem. Simply put, it prefers other people's interests. At the same time, she sincerely does not understand why, once again, something went wrong in communications.

The main thing is to be a good girl

From childhood, we are taught certain slogans that grow up with us, acquiring life experience and conclusions. “Good girls don't do that”, “You haven't achieved anything yet” “Give in, you’re kind”, “What will people think”. As a result, unfounded statements remain in our head: you need to be good for others, whatever the cost, even to the detriment of your own interests. You need to try very hard to be loved and recognized. And God forbid to stumble, what then will people think in the end?

The truth is, people are free to think whatever they want. This is their area of responsibility and decision-making. You still cannot influence it - not by forceful behavior, not by constant help and attention. You just might not like it. Because they also have their own growing up story and their own attitudes. Because all people are different. And, if you are not liked by someone, it does not mean that this person is bad. And it's also absolutely not about the fact that you are terrible.

There is a powerful danger in the query “everyone likes”. It is good, trouble-free girls who are more likely to fall prey to rapists. It is the cute excellent pupils who find themselves in an ambiguous and dangerous situation due to a simple desire not to let down their friends. This is a story about self-doubt. And first of all, you need to work out the reasons for this uncertainty. Because if you correct it, the obsessive desire to please everyone around will go away.

Looking for a half

The desire to please men is directly related to the instinctive need to procreate. The desire to please all men, without exception, often suggests that the "happiness formula" is somewhere wrong. Each of us needs to create close relationships that are filled with sincerity and trust. But we start to build them contrary to all natural laws.

The most frequent question on psychological forums dedicated to relationships:

• "How to win a man?"
• "How to get love from him?"

Pay attention to the wording. Aggression, the desire to subjugate and make your own. And not a word about love. The concept "to please" is identified with "conquer, subjugate." In this case, the problem is self-identification and acceptance.

First of all, you need to please yourself. Find contact with you, make peace and accept all sides

Then the need for external evidence of one's own irresistibility will come to naught. And along with this, the quality of any relationship will noticeably improve. Because the goal will be sincerity and trust, not breaking other people's boundaries.

It is important to realize that adult partnership does not mean complete acceptance and dissolution. It was a parent-child experience. Adult communications are:

• respect each other's interests,
• take different goals and paths,
• going to meeting,
• help and support, but not dissolve in the life of a partner.

Is the desire to be liked a pathology?

Rather, it’s a problem if everyone is in the area of interest, without exception, and you cannot come to terms with the fact that someone is unpleasant or indifferent. This is a sign that it's time to get to know yourself better and engage in self-development. You are the most precious thing you have, and if you do not accept yourself without proof from outside, then how can you please others?

1. Slow down

Of course, you need to take care of yourself, but if this becomes a daily goal and the most important task in life, something has gone wrong. Make grooming and polishing routine, and you will find that it is not that you look perfect that is much more interesting.

2. Self-worth

Life is development. To develop a harmonious personality in oneself means to always be interesting to oneself and those around. It is the feeling of self-worth that gives this harmony and self-acceptance.

3. Various communications

Learn to communicate with those who dislike you. This is their choice over you, and they are entitled to it.

4. Working through situations

Think of the times when you acted, waiting for the approval of others, but really wanted to do it differently. Honestly reflect on your feelings at this moment. Sincerity in front of oneself is much brighter than the indifferent duty “great, well done”.

5. Sincere "NO"

We learn it says, not ashamed and not looking for excuses. You have every right to refuse another person. Just as you have every right not to go to a meeting with a man you liked if you are not satisfied with either the place or the time. Being “good and comfortable for everyone” sooner or later turns into “being uninteresting and tiresome”.

6. Start with yourself

Try to do something for yourself instead of the usual help and please others. What would you like to do this weekend? How do you envision your ideal vacation?

7. Keeping the balance

You cannot refuse a supervisor to do the job without reason. But you can say “no” to a neighbor who once again asked to look after the apartment. Interests should be accounted for in reasonable amounts, and your opinion should also be taken into account.

8. Circle of trust

Choose from the environment of your close friends, relatives and loved ones 5-6 people, whose opinion you will listen to and whom you really trust. Some people may change over time, but their number remains roughly the same. The opinion of others should not bother you.