Gaslighting: A Way Out Of The Empathy Trap - Relationships, Society

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

There is one thing in common among people exposed to gaslighting. No matter how strong, smart and independent we are, we always feel an urgent need for the approval of the idealized gaslighter. Without his approval, we cannot consider ourselves the good, capable, and pleasant people we want to be. Because of this, we are afraid to somehow separate from the gaslighters and have our own point of view or preferences.

Getting out of the empathy trap

Understand your thoughts and feelings. Often, being in a manipulative relationship, we get hung up on the point of view of the companion and forget about ours. Complete the statements below from your own point of view. I advise you to write down the answers and say them out loud. It is useful to hear and see your point of view!

• In my relationship, I want _________________________________.
• I would like to change _______________________________________.
• I can't stand it when __________________________________________.
• I consider myself ________________________________________________.
• I like it when people are __________________________________.

How did you feel doing this exercise? If you panic, calm down. This is further proof that you are not used to thinking only about your point of view. Analyze your own feelings. Also try complementing these statements:

• This week I want my boyfriend to ____________.
• Tomorrow I want to change ____________________________________________.
• I like myself ________________________________________________.

You can draw your feelings or express them in words and pictures.

Check with your ideal advisor. Imagine a wise person whom you fully trust. It can be a familiar or an object of imagination. You can imagine a real person, a magical or spiritual mentor, even a pet. Imagine that the counselor saw your last fight with the gaslighter and knows what happened. After an argument, you come to him. What will he say? What advice will he give you?

Read also:

• Part 1. When a gaslighter is a good guy and it is not clear what is wrong
• Part 2. Gaslighter-tormentor: insults, plays on conscience and withdraws into himself
• Part 3. Why are we inferior to the gaslighter?

Talk to someone you trust. If you have a trusted friend or close relative, tell him that you are on a mission to find your point of view. Share your own thoughts on the difficult situation in which the gaslighter is involved. Ask the person to gently stop you, such as simply raising your hand whenever he realizes that in a given situation you have forgotten your point of view and agreed with the gaslighter's position.

Your job is to clarify your thoughts and feelings. Make sure your loved one doesn't force his or her own opinion! If you are anxious to find out what a friend or relative is thinking, arrange to meet again and discuss this exercise. Then, during the day, try to stick to only your opinion.

Gaslighting tango is a very beautiful dance, but it does not go unnoticed. No matter what role gaslighting plays in your life, you will only benefit if you figure out how to get out of this dance

More on this: Stern Robin. Covert manipulations to control your life. STOP gaslighting. - SPb.: Peter, 2020