Personal Opinions About Domestic Violence, Abusers And Victims. Part 1: On Learned Helplessness - Society

At one time, the state did not want to admit that we have an epidemic of domestic violence and we need to work with it. Today, nothing has fundamentally changed, but there are books, films, centers for psychological assistance and support for women who have faced violence

Paradoxically, most women ignore all this. For a simple, obvious reason: they have adopted the role of the victim and supplemented it with a state of learned helplessness.

Let me explain: the victim believes that Providence or God has placed this cross on her - living together or meeting after a divorce with this "devil of hell" for no reason. She herself will not cope with this for anything and never. It remains to hope that the "patient" will die on his own or a defender will appear, who will come and hit the "source of filth" with his faithful sword, or at least just blow it off. And she will carry her cross for the sake of the children, because they cannot be traumatized by the kind of father they have.

Worst of all, the Hellfiend is usually smart enough not to flaunt it. For everyone else, first of all, parents, friends, co-workers, he is a great guy, mature, successful, etc. Yes, and most of his life, the abuser behaves like a sane, worthy man, the act of violence is replaced by a period of silence and calmness.

See also: Personal opinions on domestic violence, abusers and victims.

• Part 2: what is violence and why does an abuser need it?
• Part 3: the identity of the abuser
• Part 4: ring rules

And although the victim no longer believes that everything will be fine, can she not be constantly in tension? Therefore, the next act of violence will be unpredictable from the point of view of most victims, emotions of fear and pain will gush out, almost like the very first time.

I sympathize with all these women. But, I will not take the side of the victim. The victim does not take responsibility for his or her life. The victim has many reasons and excuses why she did not remove the beatings, why she felt sorry for the abuser, his parents and children, because how will they live if their son and father "ends up in prison because of their mother." And so on ad infinitum. But the victim can go into another category - the category of a person who wants to change his fate. And then it is possible to help her.

My life experience allows me to conclude: most people are not able to admit that their psychological problems, dysfunctional relationships that last for years, can be corrected in a matter of months, if you approach this issue professionally, if you like, technologically.

For girls who no longer want to be victims, but want to solve the problem, I advise you to turn to professionals

To begin with, confidentially talk on the phone with the specialists of the psychological assistance service or go to the "Family" center, where psychologists have a wealth of experience working with such cases.

And if she wants, she can familiarize herself with my point of view in order to better understand the situation in which she is.

So. My point of view

The situation is very similar to the situation with violence that most boys go through on the street, at school, in a number of sports clubs. For example, in the generation of the 90s, at least 70% of boys faced this.

In essence, violence is a form of initiation, determining the place of a teenager in a group. Violence is a way of self-assertion and an opportunity to crush less dominant in the hierarchy, the way animals use. Since teachers usually do not teach human technologies of building a hierarchy, children actively use this simple and primitive method. Moreover, suppression by word and deed is carried out systematically, since they try to bypass and break even the most rigid framework.

It is very difficult to resist a teenager 3-4 years older than you: he is half a head taller than you, he is wider and he has more powerful muscles, he has self-confidence, experience of “handling” the obstinate and a team of hangers-on. His risks in the event of a fight in terms of physical health problems are not comparable to those of the victim. And all this is obvious even to an idiot.

Therefore, for a teenager who does not agree with the role of a victim, there is only one correct path - "to the ring", to classic boxing, martial arts, etc.

Only a well-formed body, technique and psychology of fighting can help against the abuser and his flock

Moreover, disappearing in training, he will less often come across the abuser's eyes. And after some time, the abuser will assess his chances of winning the fight as far from being so winning and will eventually fall behind.

So it happens, by the age of 14-16, many adolescents who began to work on their protection, stop touching the abuser. Why, when there are a lot of safe sacrifices for the body and pride around.

I am bringing you to a simple thought: in order to destroy domestic situations of violence, to break the game of the abuser and his buzz from domination, you need to understand which battlefield you are fighting on, to have the appropriate knowledge and skills

A girl caught in the trap of domestic violence is called into the ring by life.

Yes, she did not expect this, she wants to love and live in harmony, she does not want to participate in all this. But if she has crossed the threshold, it remains to forget about her “want / don’t want”, it makes sense to understand the causes of violence, the type and tactics of the opponent, to master the technique and psychology of working in this “ring”.

See also: Personal opinions on domestic violence, abusers and victims.

• Part 2: what is violence and why does an abuser need it?
• Part 3: the identity of the abuser