What Men Don't Talk About? - Self-development, Society

We continue the series of articles "Male body - strength and vulnerability." Read also the first and second parts.

How to become courageous? For the stronger sex, unfortunately, no natural process independent of their will that would turn a boy into a man is provided. The only way to gain masculinity is to communicate and interact with other men, more mature, more experienced, says psychotherapist Boris Suvorov

It often happens that fathers cannot cope with their role, and a boy, deprived of communication and skills, makes irreparable mistakes in life. Agree that not every father in the family can tell, and most importantly, show his son what it means to be a real man.

Perhaps at one time he himself did not have a worthy model of male behavior before his eyes. And its place was taken by false standards accepted in society

Let me give you a classic example of their appearance. One of my clients, a young man, told how his father, a “real colonel,” left his son no choice. In his opinion, the only profession worthy of a man is serving the Motherland. Everything else is just ridiculous. If the son chooses something else, then he will automatically become a shame for the family. It is clear that it is very difficult for a child to find masculinity in such a straitjacket, which is what happened in the life of his son.

Very often there are fathers who do not keep in touch with their sons. I have a client whose father has never called in the last two years. This attitude is an extreme case. But nevertheless it exists.

It turns out that men, as they can, climb this life, but at the same time remain absolutely disoriented and lost.

It is believed that along with adolescent maturation and development, masculinity should be formed automatically. In reality, this does not happen

If the boys in the Youth Army run around with machine guns, it won't make them men. They will just absorb another false criterion: a military man means a real man.

Many of my clients were former officers. When they left the army and fell into civilian life, they became helpless like children, because in the army everything is much simpler than in real life. They have unquestioningly learned that a good person is the one who has the same shape as yours, and the smarter and more important is the one who has more stars on his shoulder straps. You don't have to think here - just follow the order. Getting into civilian life, where all this is not obvious, they become absolutely lost, do not know what to do and how to behave in a society with other criteria.

I lead my clients to understanding and acknowledging their own feelings. For many, it is a huge revelation that they can sincerely share their feelings with me. One client said that in a certain situation he was very scared. I answered him: "So this is natural, I myself would be scared." It's okay.

Lack of fear is not about masculinity. It's about mental retardation. For many men, recognizing their right to emotions, weakness and vulnerability is a big revelation

In my opinion, we live in a gynecocentric society (“gynekos” in Greek means “female part of the house”, “female half”). Very often men are both psychologically and legally helpless in those cases where a woman can find help and support.

In my counseling experience, in a divorce situation, in order for the child to be left with the father, the mother must be mentally ill or a drug addict after serving time. And only in this case there is a chance that the child will be left with the father. If even one of the parameters is missing, then the chances are negligible. There is no equality here, even close.

I have repeatedly had clients who divorced their wives and after that did not have access to the child. In fact, nothing can be done about it. It is very difficult to ensure that the father even participates in raising the child. It's almost impossible.

I am a supporter of the idea that a woman should have equal rights with men. Exactly equal, and not rights that exceed the rights of men, as, for example, in situations of divorce or common examples of sexual harassment.

In one of the latest scandals in Hollywood, women accused famous men of sexual harassment. However, most of these women did not bother with any evidence. In many cases it was just an unfounded statement: "He harassed." And that was enough to ruin men's careers and even lives.

We must not forget that men in modern society should have their rights. Now there is only the presumption of guilt on this topic

In reality, it turns out that if a woman said that a man sexually harassed her, this automatically means that it is not her who needs to prove this fact, but his innocence to him. And if we take into account the attitude to such statements in society and the American judicial system, it is almost impossible for a clean man to get out of this situation.

I am not saying that sexual harassment does not exist. Unfortunately, they are. But when a woman remembers these cases after 20-30 years, and the man who allegedly molested her then became very rich and made a career, then this leads me to certain thoughts. Why didn't she state her hurt feelings when he was not yet so rich and famous?

As a result, the question remains: was the harassment a place to be? Perhaps this is just an easy way to make good money?

A real man should always.

Each woman writes a list of his debts depending on her needs and her imagination.

Vladislav Bozhedai

There is also a downside - sexual harassment by women towards men. A similar theme was raised in the film "Exposure" with Michael Douglas and Demi Moore. In the story, the boss inclines the subordinate to have a sexual relationship, and when he rejects her offer, she in revenge accuses him of harassing her. This also exists. And not only in the movies. But this topic is completely closed. There are a couple of films, but there is no such thing for scandals like the one in Hollywood or for it to be widely discussed in society.

A man who has been abused is simply cornered. Because, unlike a woman, he cannot tell anyone about it - he will simply be ridiculed. It remains to keep what happened to oneself and be silent

Moreover, there is no organization that would support him and help him get legal or psychological assistance. This is unrealistic. And for women, much of the above is.

Sadly, the only support for men is often a male therapist. Sometimes this is the only person with whom they can share something. But after consultation, they return to society, and there is a vacuum. And men continue to adapt to life with masks.

Wearing a mask, especially in our country, is a common technique. This phenomenon is supported practically at the state level

The entire ruling elite demonstrates this very clearly. They should all be macho.

I remember being very impressed several years ago when, during another conflict in the Middle East, the Lebanese Prime Minister publicly cried. We cannot imagine such a broadcast on television.

Nobody talks about men's problems. Everyone is discussing how hard it is to be a woman and the problem of single mothers. Of course, there are problems with single mothers. Aren't there any problems with single fathers?

I have a client who has had a misfortune. Due to complications after childbirth, his wife passed away and he was left alone with two children. And as a man alone with a baby in his arms? And this is not an isolated case. But all the same, nothing is heard about the difficult life of fathers left with orphaned children without a mother.

It is worth typing "women's rights" in any search engine, and a thousand sites of organizations that support and provide legal, psychological, and social assistance will be displayed. And this is great! But the problem is that there is nothing like that for men. Such help for men is in its infancy, and people who start talking about it are often perceived in society as freaks. It is understandable that it is difficult to be a woman. What is it like now to be a man in a difficult situation?

I was once impressed by an advertisement for a training for men. It was called "Men's Talk". And there were two women leading. For example, I do not conduct trainings “How to be a good mother”, because it can be felt and understood only from the inside. I can read as much professional literature as I want, but that won't make me a mother. Nothing replaces personal experience. If you do not go through pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, then you will still have purely theoretical ideas about this. I can't teach anyone to be a mother - and I won't. And if there are trainings about motherhood, then they should be conducted by a woman who has such experience.

But it should be the same with men. No woman can know what it means to be a man. How to feel, feel, interact with society, etc.

Discussion is needed so that men can freely discuss what worries them, how they feel. The problem exists. And this is a problem for the whole society. This discussion, in turn, can lead to the formation of the necessary institutions that will begin to fundamentally support not only women, but also men