When Parents Need Help. A Sense Of Duty Versus Reality And Common Sense - Society

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

Our parents are getting old, and every year they need more help. Feelings of duty and gratitude make most of us want to help them. But caring for an elderly person may not be at all what we imagined it to be. And not everyone can handle a huge responsibility

Daughters-mothers

The first thing to consider is that even an elderly and seriously ill parent is still your parent. As much as the mother may be dependent on others as dementia worsens, it is still extremely important for her to maintain her role as a mother. It is sometimes common for grown-up children to treat their elderly parents like children, and this often provokes resistance and leads to conflict - and all caregiving efforts go down the drain.

In our culture, in general, it is not accepted to admit our lack of independence and feel like a burden. And for many elderly people it hurts to feel their dependence on children, to ask them to help with personal hygiene, financial tasks and household issues, even if objectively it is necessary, - after all, quite recently they could do all this themselves.

What's more, caring for a parent can heighten passions between spouses, siblings, and close and distant relatives. So it is worthwhile to mentally prepare for the fact that difficulties will increase on all fronts

And the best decision in such a situation is, first of all, to clarify the most difficult and controversial issues when the parent can still take part: to hire a family lawyer, to deal with residence, real estate, will and together to choose a responsible person among relatives in order to take vital decisions for the parent in case of loss of legal capacity.

It's difficult to talk about it, I want to pretend that nothing is happening, and this is completely natural. Nevertheless, the burden of responsibility and uncertainty can break anyone, and early, straightforward conversations with parents in the family circle can bring significant relief to everyone.

Debt good turn deserves another

The second big topic in relationships with older parents is money. According to a recent American study ¹, 90% of American moms and dads of the older generation consider financial dependence on their offspring unacceptable, and one in four respondents notes the willingness to sponsor their parents.

Everything is different in Russia. Given the size of pension payments, children are often the only source of support for retirees. And in culture, the belief that a grown child is obliged to repay his fathers and mothers his conditional debt is much more firmly rooted: according to reports, ² 77% of Russians agree with the statement that children should pay for the care of elderly parents if they do not have enough of their own.

Add to this fresh legislation ³, according to which parents of pre-retirement age have the right to alimony from their adult children, and there is simply no choice left. Helping your parents is costly, and you can only live with it. And yet money is not so bad.

Unexpected turn

It often happens that adult children are faced with the sudden need to care for their parents due to illness or injury, and few have the skills to do this. Moreover, studies ⁴ show that 94% of Russians provide care for elderly parents on their own. How do they know what to do?

Think about how the patient is treated and caring for the hospital:

• the nurse gives injections and pills;
• the doctor prescribes them;
• a physiotherapist monitors the rehabilitation process;
• the cleaning lady washes the floors and changes the soiled sheets;
• the chef prepares and delivers food three times a day (including grinding food into mashed potatoes while the patient regains the ability to swallow after a stroke, for example).

But if you decide that you will take care of the parent yourself, will you have the time and energy to take on all these functions?

The suddenness with which we are sometimes overtaken by the role of a nurse is very painful in itself. But there are also a number of difficult decisions that have to be made, often in the shortest possible time:

• Who will give Daddy his medicine three times a day when he is discharged?
• How will mom go down and up stairs after knee surgery?
• How to get to the hospital for your next appointment?
• You have to think over everything to the smallest detail: who and when will do the laundry, bills, cooking, cleaning?

Common sense dictates that one person simply cannot do it.

Too little ⁵ people know about government programs to support senior citizens, and very few people decide to entrust their parents to specialists. But in many cases, an aging or sick elderly person requires 24/7 care.

What if you have your own family, work, plans? When your whole life shrinks to the confines of an aging father or mother's room, it can become not only a cause for emotional burnout, but also a real psychological trauma.

Sometimes outside help is vital. During the search, you can arm yourself not only with the recommendations of friends and personal communication with representatives of the social protection authorities, but also with the professional standard ⁶ adopted by the Ministry of Labor for nurses and caregivers.

It's not a shame to ask for help. But ruining relationships with aging parents is much easier than it sounds, especially when their vulnerability becomes a major theme in family life.

Sources:

1. fidelity.com/bin-public/060_www_fidelity_com/documents/Family-Finance-Study-Executive-Summary.pdf
2. pensionreform.ru/files/119638/NAFI_Care% 20 for% 20 for the elderly.pdf
3. banki.ru/news/daytheme/?id=10891862
4. pensionreform.ru/files/119638/NAFI_Care% 20 for% 20 for the elderly.pdf
5. pensionreform.ru/files/119638/NAFI_Care% 20 for% 20 for the elderly.pdf
6. garant.ru/products/ipo/prime/doc/71914246/