Falling In Love: When The Mind Is Out Of Tune With The Heart - Relationships, Self-development

Both the passion of the heart and the wisdom of the mind are great gifts. But what if emotionality conflicts with logic?

This can be especially painful in romantic relationships. Here are some examples:

• Your partner really turns you on, but you're not sure if he is right for you in the long run.
• You enjoy texting with your partner, but you don't feel in love.
• The heart feeling is unclear or absent.
• You fall in love, but then you feel a lot of red flags.

Conflicts between heart and mind can be downright paralyzing. If you wait too long, you might miss the opportunity. If you are in too much of a hurry, you may miss something important.

The heart can push you to take risky actions. Development is impossible without risk. The heart, if you trust it, can open the way to a beautiful passion that logic would never predict. However, sometimes, when the heart desires something very badly, denial and impulsiveness silence sanity. The heart can be not only idealistic, but also naive, neglecting rational thinking.

The mind can foresee consequences that the heart does not notice or considers unimportant

Logical thinking and analysis can tell you the presence of unreasonable risks, protect you from potential harm. However, sometimes the mind can act as a constant critic, sowing self-doubt and cynicism. And then adventures that could be so beautiful become impossible! Often our thinking can be too pedantic or rigid, as a result, we miss something important.

If you are frozen in indecision, think about whether you tend to trust more: feelings or thoughts. In this moment of confusion, it may be a good idea to turn to your less familiar “inner ally”.

For example, if you usually prefer logic, try to tune in to your feelings. Remember that feelings are not facts. They don't have to be very intelligent. Feelings are information that comes from some less straightforward aspect of your personality.

Emotional intelligence is just as important as mental intelligence. Try to just sit and note how you feel

On the other hand, if you have good direct contact with your feelings, try to tune in to your thoughts. Observing thoughts can be very different from your usual sense-orientation. The mind is also needed for something. Follow your thoughts. In the meantime, let the feelings just pass you by.

It may be helpful to try to make sense of your story. Think about the times when your thoughts have taken you somewhere else. Then think about the times when thinking gave you access to wisdom that changed the course of your life or protected you from possible harm.

Think of times when your heart has pointed you in the wrong direction. Then remember when it prompted you to go on a real adventure, remembered for a lifetime, when it was worth taking the risk and following your passion to become who you became.

When you are overtaken by a conflict between the mind and the heart, perhaps the solution lies not in choosing between one and the other, but in taking advantage of both in the best possible way

Our mind generates between 12,000 and 70,000 thoughts a day - that's roughly two billion thoughts in a lifetime. However, a significant number of thoughts are meaningless, inaccurate, or absurd. One study found that 95% of our thoughts are repetitive, 80% are negative, and 85% of what we worry about will never happen.

Given this prevalence of automatic thinking, how do we get in touch with our deepest wisdom? You can become aware of her as your adult self, as a point of view based on self-love, as the voice of your mind. Often, wisdom manifests itself as a voice of silence, a voice quieter than most routine thoughts. It is the voice of reflection, the voice of experience. It can be the internalized voice of a parent, sage, teacher, or role model.

Deep wisdom is not waiting for you in tantrums or intimidating warnings. It offers you a long-term perspective. Your wisdom sees the potential consequences of your actions and asks if this is really what you want. Remember this voice. Pay attention to how it sounds and how it feels to your body.

Listen to the deep voice of your heart for a few moments. Maybe you should literally put your hand on your heart. You will feel the presence that you call spirit, open heart, voice of love, or your soul. It goes deeper than any particular emotion.

Like a wise mind, a deep heart can feel like a deep, slow-flowing river. This heart is guided by your true values. It knows how to distinguish right from wrong - not in a moralistic sense, but in the one that is true for you personally. A deep heart sometimes speaks in a whisper, and sometimes loudly and imperiously.

When you experience conflict between mind and heart, try to have the wisdom of your mind enter into dialogue with the depths of your heart

You can do this through visualization, written or oral dialogue. You can even write with both hands, using your leading hand to record the voice of the mind and the other to record the words of the heart. Let it happen by itself. Don't allow yourself to edit or rate. See what happens. Take your wise mind and your deep heart for a walk or run and just listen to them.

If you have compiled a list of all the pros and cons of the choice you face, review the list with your deepest feelings in mind. Then do the same, consulting with your mind. As you read, listen to the wise advice that comes from each of these voices.

What if the conflict between mind and heart is about romantic relationships? If you doubt that your partner is right for you for a long-term relationship, although he really turns you on, ask yourself this question:

• How will I feel in a year if I stay with this person?
• Will I regret staying in this relationship, thereby postponing the search for someone with whom I can do better?
• Are my doubts based on experiences, such as failures in a previous relationship?

“You need to trust yourself,” people advise. Some believe that we are talking about trusting their intuition, others - physical feelings, for others it is deep knowledge, often non-linear and illogical. We know something, but we don't know from where, we cannot explain how we learned it. Sometimes trusting ourselves saves us and leads us through life. And sometimes, especially if we are in an anxious or depressed state, it can be difficult to distinguish between intuition and anxious or depressed mood.

If you're in a relationship with someone who has everything you wanted, but doesn't feel romantic, ask yourself:

• Is it because I'm trying to convince myself of the need for this relationship, because I'm afraid of loneliness, I'm afraid that I won't find anyone, or I'm afraid of hurting my partner?
• Have I become a victim of a sense of duty - you can't force yourself to love?
• Am I being too critical - perhaps for fear of being left alone with the unresolved pain of a previous loss?
• Can I imagine a real person who will be good enough for me right now?

Love is a great gift. If she is absent, it may be time to leave this relationship. Or give yourself some more time, wait until you decide on deep devotion. If you dream of someone inaccessible or of someone who has an ambivalent attitude towards you, ask yourself why you need it.

Are you afraid of being alone? Do you see this person as the solution to all your problems? Nobody, except yourself, will make you feel whole. Dreams can be wonderful, but the world is full of good people who are available to you. You deserve to have someone around who wants you as much as you want him.

Maybe the indifferent partner is just afraid? And does he need time to work through any problems before he or she is capable of loyalty to you? If this is the case, you can try to stay in the relationship and see what happens next. Or, you can walk away by inviting the other person to meet again when / if he or she is ready. In any case, you will no longer feel like a victim.

If you find disturbing aspects of your partner's personality, such as addiction, a tendency to lie, or dark episodes in the past, pay special attention to this. If you tend to get into a relationship with such people, then now you need to have really good reasons to stay in such a relationship. Otherwise, the difficult story will repeat itself over and over again.

Evaluate how your partner is willing and able to receive help, to take responsibility for their past and their problems. Perhaps your partner is truly a diamond in need of a cut. However, you need to keep your eyes open. What do you want right now? What will be the long-term consequences? Maturity means finding a balance between one and the other.

In matters of love, neither a cold heart nor a sober mind can lead to a fulfilling relationship. Perhaps the best approach is to be practical about the need to be kind-hearted

By Dan Neuhart, Ph. D.

Translated by Kiril Melamud