Table of contents:
- Boundaries are defined by what you do or don't do. Including your reaction to the other person's choices and behavior. This is not about trying to change the people around you. It's about the self-regulation of a person who defines their boundaries
- There are three main types of borders:
- How to define your boundaries?
- How to set boundaries:
- What to do when you are aware of your boundaries but are not ready to set them
Video: How To Set Boundaries And Take Responsibility For Your Life - Self-development, Society
Boundaries are defined by what you do or don't do. Including your reaction to the other person's choices and behavior. This is not about trying to change the people around you. It's about the self-regulation of a person who defines their boundaries
Your attitude to this topic can say a lot about your integrity, responsibility and maturity. There are two main reasons why people struggle with boundaries: either parenting or fear.
There are three main types of borders:
With this type of boundary, you have very strict rules of conduct, you tend to avoid attachment and keep aloof.
A person with this type of boundaries tends to build a symbiotic relationship with someone else. You can serve both as an object that satisfies the desires and needs of a loved one, and as a host, expecting that the other person will satisfy all your needs and desires.
This is the healthiest type, in which you know well where you "end" and another "begin". However, you can allow a loved one to enter the territory within your boundaries and are sensitive to the moments when you can penetrate the boundaries of another.
Developing strong but permeable boundaries is a good goal. When you become aware of who you are, what your rights and responsibilities are, and at the same time allow others to be who they are without needing to be someone else.
How to define your boundaries?
"Never make decisions when you are upset, jealous, or in love."
You need to find out who you are, what your values are, and define your responsibilities. This exercise will help you determine what boundaries you have and where changes are needed.
- Think about the problems in your life. What worries you?
- Identify everyone involved in the problem situation. Whom does it concern? How does this affect you? What are your obligations, what are you responsible for, what can you influence?
- What do you want? There are many examples where people with border problems did not even realize what they wanted. It is important to get to know yourself, to define your desires and needs.
- Determine whose responsibility. Perhaps you are taking on someone else's responsibilities? Determine who should do what in this situation.
- Decide what your final behavior should be. What you will and will not tolerate or do. This is something that will not be discussed in a similar situation in the future.
The question of boundaries is about what you will do, not the other person. For example, you are tired of asking your loved one not to throw socks around the house. Stop whining, put his / her socks in the laundry basket and move on. Don't talk about it; don't act like a martyr; just take care of yourself and keep living.
How to set boundaries:
“What you do is your choice. What I put up with is mine."
Henry Cloud, John Townsend, Barriers
- Remember, boundaries are me-messages. They are not about another person.
- Expect resistance from yourself and the other person. You will have to work on your fears and probably on the "baggage" from childhood or previous relationships where setting boundaries was not allowed or tolerated. When you set boundaries with a mentally unhealthy person, you may face "revenge" and punishment from them.
- Give yourself permission to set boundaries, take care of yourself, and choose your own well-being. Even if you feel like it’s selfish and feel guilty, work it out and make a conscious choice to stick with your side. Remind yourself what it means to be a mature adult.
What to do when you are aware of your boundaries but are not ready to set them
“The hardest part is deciding to act, the rest is just persistence. Our fears are paper tigers. You can do whatever you choose to do. Act to change and control your life. And the process itself will be the best reward."
- Sometimes you may know what boundaries you want to set, but for some reason you are simply not ready to state it.
- Accept your desire. Say this out loud to yourself or to someone else. Fix on paper or computer.
- Consider why you find it difficult to set boundaries in this particular case. Seek help if you understand that your fears, insecurities, and psychological blocks are the cause.
- Take small steps to establish boundaries. Apply "I-messages" such as "I disagree with this" or "I cannot condone this." Begin to voice and respect your truth. However, don't threaten. Borders are not threats. Just indicate your desires, realizing that this is a process of your self-development. Over time, you will become stronger at setting boundaries by taking real action to take care of yourself.
If you find that you find it difficult to set boundaries, remember that you are taking care of yourself. Treat yourself with patience and empathy, and don't berate yourself. Do not forget that it is difficult for you not without reason, in due time you will solve this problem. In fact, to help yourself, try setting a boundary like "I will eliminate negative self-talk and be patient with myself when making difficult decisions."
With practice this process will become easier. Keep in mind that boundaries are for you, and you don't need to become a slave to them. Don't worry about other people's opinions of them. You have your own deadlines and needs, not someone else's. Part of the process of setting boundaries is being able to decide for yourself what you will do and when, regardless of other people's opinions.
“You are the author of your own life story. You have a leading role and you can decide how to interact with the “cast” and other “characters”. Without realizing it, you may have allowed events in your life to write the story for you. You did not take intentional steps to create it yourself. So what are you willing to do in order to love your life story and create a happy ending that you like? " (Susan K. Young).
- By Shari Stines, Psy. D
- Translation by Yana Tsyplakova