How To Take Criticism? What To Answer If You Are Criticized? - Image, Self-development

Few are offended by criticism. Even those who say that they treat criticism well, it is also unpleasant to hear negative remarks, offensive epithets that devalue expressions

Since it is impossible not to face criticism in one form or another, it is necessary to learn how to react to it correctly. By reaction, I mean, firstly, the internal perception, that is, the attitude to critical words, and secondly, the response to the one who criticizes you. It is in this sequence, from the inside out, that we will work on this topic.

"I'm not guilty!" - automatic reaction to criticism

Most people, upon hearing a critical remark, automatically begin to defend themselves: make excuses or explain the situation. "Why are you late?" - “Yes, I’m almost on time! The bus was gone for a long time. “This article is no good! You are a bad journalist! " - "Why is this? I tried and wrote everything right."

If we think about it, we will see that this automatic reaction consists of three stages:

1. First, a person "lets" the content of criticism inside and thinks: is it true or not? "Did I really perform badly?", "Does this dress really suit me?", "Am I really fat?"
2. Then the internal reaction “turns on”: disagreement, or resentment, or indignation.
3. Then comes the answer to the critic: disagreement, objection, justification, recrimination.

What does this lead to? No good. The critic will continue to consider himself right, and, in addition to the previous sins, he will attribute to you stubbornness, or stupidity, or inability to admit your mistakes. Further, a dispute may flare up or a quarrel may occur.

But you can go the other way. You just need to start with the perception of criticism, in other words, with the attitude to criticism.

What is the critic really talking about?

Let's think together about this: Who is the critic reproaching? It seems that you. But is it?

Many factors affect the perception of a critic. For example, his personal preferences and tastes, experiences and experiences, emotions, mood and physical condition, his beliefs, ideology and much more

Let me give you a slightly grotesque but real example. The young man met a girl on a dating site. They corresponded pleasantly, told each other about work, hobbies, news. It was going to a meeting when the girl asked the young man to send her the exact date of his birthday. He sent. The next morning he received a message in which the girl wrote that "our communication ends, because according to the astrological forecast we are incompatible."

The question is: did the girl refuse this particular young man? No. She refused to a certain fictional image in her head, and the motive for her refusal has nothing to do with a specific living person.

Roughly the same thing happens in other situations. The critic's negative judgments are inextricably linked with his inner picture of the world, with his perception of what is happening

For example, your mom may think that you are raising your child the wrong way. However, the source of her judgments is the system of her subjective views and beliefs. Strictly speaking, the problem is not that you are actually doing something wrong, but that in your mom's head there is a mismatch between your actions and ideas about how it should be.

Therefore, the very first reaction to a criticism should not be thinking about whether it is fair or not, but something like this mental question: "I wonder what picture a person sees, what kind of movie he watches?"

First, you need to think not about yourself ("What is wrong with me?"), But about the critic ("What is happening in his inner world?").

“You painted a bad picture,” says the critic. And you are not thinking “Really? What a horror!”And“Who said that? Is this person versed in this area? Why does he say that? What does his opinion matter?"

This change in the perception of criticism radically reduces the sensitivity and "penetration" of the negative, from which so many sensitive, vulnerable people suffer.

Not symmetrical, but targeted response

Let's move on to the next stage: how to respond to criticism?

Let's think about this question: what do we want to get as a result?

If you have mastered the previous part of the article, then you understand that you do not need to make excuses. There is no task and to convince the critic, to prove to him that he is wrong, and you are actually a good person. In many situations, the task is as follows: to respond to criticism in such a way that a conflict does not flare up and the question is closed.

What will contribute to this outcome? Partial agreement with the critic. You find something in a critical message that you can agree with and talk about it. “You are late again! Why can't you arrive on time ?! " “Yes, I actually arrived at 9:07 am today. The bus was gone for a long time. “This press release is no good. Did you write it tonight? " - “Yes, there was no time to“comb”the text, the necessary information came with a delay."

You partially agree with the remark, plus give an explanation. But you do not agree with negative generalizations ("always", "never", "good for nothing"), do not justify yourself, do not persuade the critic

In this scenario, the most likely continuation of the conversation is the end. Another, also a good option, is to go into specifics: what exactly is wrong in the text of the press release, what you missed due to being late for the meeting, etc.

Clarifying the situation is your second answer to criticism, besides partial agreement

"Your report is worthless!" - "What exactly in my report does not suit you?" "Your presentation is a bunch of incomprehensible numbers!" - "What numbers do you not understand?" "You didn't clean the apartment well!" - "What exactly do you dislike, can you clarify?"

The first and second variants of responses to criticism are perfectly combined with each other: “Have you bought yourself another sandals ?! We don't have enough money for important things, and you are wasting it so stupidly! " “Yes, I bought what I liked. And what exactly do we lack money for?"

Motives of the critic

It is helpful to think about the motives of the person criticizing you.

If you did not ask for feedback, then most likely the critic is trying to "do good" not for you, but for himself. In the simplest case, it raises self-esteem at your expense. It is also possible that he feels uncomfortable and cannot do anything about it, except to criticize you (“You are to blame for the fact that I want to eat.” IA Krylov, “The Wolf and the Lamb”).

Understanding the critic's motives helps a lot to correctly relate to his statements. If you see that a person just wants to belittle you, then there is no point in wondering whether his reproaches are fair, whether you need to apologize or correct. Answer in one of the two ways listed above - and forget about it.

Benefit from criticism

After all these steps, it is worth considering how constructive criticisms are.

It is possible that the remarks they made to you are sensible, at least in part. Especially if you yourself asked for feedback. Think about how you can benefit from them, what to learn, what to pay attention to. Thank the critic quite sincerely, because you learned something useful to yourself