"Money Is Slipping Through Your Fingers." Recognizing Family Patterns - Blogs, Society

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-11-27 12:13

Many times I tried to systematize my bookkeeping, and all to no avail - money seems to slip through my fingers. And it doesn't matter how much I earn. Sometimes I take a part-time job, the amount doubles, but by the end of the month again I don't even have enough for the most necessary things. What's the secret here?

Christina, 32 years old

“Enrages: as soon as I buy something, I have less money. When will it stop ?!"

From somewhere on the web

An example of life, and we will push off from it. The text will also be useful to those who cannot afford to buy something, not even "superfluous". The reasons may be similar.

Childhood and money

Can you imagine a child who repeatedly receives microsignals of a certain kind from a parent? "Everything is fine, there is enough money" or "we are constantly in need, even if the salary was just now."

Every time a child sees something dear to his heart and available for money, this is where this story unfolds. Whether mom sighs or not, what her face is, whether she says something - all this determines what kind of story with money we will have as an adult.

What influences parent-to-child signals?

1. History of the country

In many ways, we have a common history. It is about dispossession of kulaks in the twenties of the 20th century (“no matter how much you mine, they can take it away,” “being rich is dangerous, not only will it be taken away, but also killed”).

About the poor life before the Great Patriotic War, about the loss of what was acquired during the war, about post-war survival.

About Stalinism, when it was mortally dangerous to be allocated at least something, and income too.

About a slightly safer period of the sixties - eighties, but also riddled with fear that they will "come."

About the inaccessible luxury of the eighties - nineties, shops of imported goods "Berezka", merchants with jeans and leather jackets. There may have been money, but it was difficult to spend it on quality things.

About shopping tours and markets at the turn of the XXI century: it has poured in, a choice, take it, it never happened!

About the gangster period of division of everything, "brothers", "if you want to do business - share."

About how the market is becoming more and more cultural, with new common traditions of consumption.

Hypothesis: it is possible that the author of the question has some story about the great-grandmother-countess who buried the gold pieces when she fled abroad in 1917, and the family refrain: “I saved up, but I could spend and live comfortably, but who I knew."

2. Family history

The history of each family is woven into these general historical patterns, and each family has its own troubles, losses and achievements.

About buying food for the last money during the blockade.

About the uncle, who went abroad, but never brought the Barbie, although they asked very much.

About the grandmother, who was not clear for what saved up, and then fell ill with cancer, and it's good that there was money.

The fact that my father was engaged in blackmailing and that it was forbidden to tell anyone about it, because he was in prison, and you in an orphanage. And then they allowed it, and now it's a legitimate business.

And if you have any questions for yourself on the topic of money in principle, be sure to look at your family history. You are influenced by everything that you have been told or allowed to find out for yourself. It is in family stories that there are answers as to which handling of money contributes to survival, and which is considered dangerous from this point of view.

Hypothesis: you can search for a story about how someone really wanted to spend, but for some reason could not.

3. Settings

They are rooted in family and shared history. It is not our parents who are so “narrow-minded” that they were led by these or those ideas. These ideas were based on coping strategies that would help preserve the life and status of the family and each of its members.

For almost a century, the general attitudes were negative: "A rich person cannot be honest", "Poor but proud", "All evil comes from money", "Money is obtained only by hard work", "Why waste in vain, and so we will manage" … The focus of many was on economy, modesty, respect not for money.

Now I am trying to recall the usual positive attitudes about money. If you are familiar with them, write in the comments. A grown-up child can follow attitudes or resist them. If they are found and not considered, then they act latently, at the level of the "program". Then you may not understand why you lower everything or, on the contrary, save up, denying yourself what you need.

Hypothesis: the author of the question can look towards the "rebellion" against the attitudes towards modesty and poverty.

4. Tradition

Every family has a monetary tradition. They are tied to installations.

• For example, buying a cake after your paycheck.
• Declare a "economy mode" when money is running low.
• Borrow / lend.
• Buy if the baby is crying.
• Buy if you feel guilty.

And a couple dozen more within only one family.

Hypothesis: you can look for stories when there was a "collision" between tradition and unexpected behavior of parents. For example, the child knew that the economy mode was announced, but the mother suddenly bought a new bag (for example, following the lead of the seller). Or, for the last money, a wide table was laid for unexpected guests.

5. Legends

Legends are elements of history, but special and vivid. As for the money in the family, they must be there. The legend may be about a waste that should not have been allowed, but it happened. And here the context is important: is he condemning, admiring, approving, calm or indignant? The details of the story are also important: who and on what (on whom) spent the money. The function of such stories is to teach the child "how (not) to act if you (not) want to …"

When such a story is found in psychological work, much becomes clear. Sometimes a grown-up child behaves like a "spender" from her, and sometimes - "doing the right thing." And in fact, and in another case, he can experience a whole range of feelings: guilt, dissatisfaction, shame, joy.

Hypothesis: the author of the story may recall a legend about an impermissible waste, or a relative who lived spending and without delay, which is what he remembered in the family.

6. Punishments

You can definitely find family "punishments" about spending. How did mom react when dad bought a spinning rod? What comments did Dad make when Mom bought new shampoo at the store? For the purchase of what was punished, and what was considered a worthy waste? You can remember for what expenses you were scolded in childhood and adolescence and what "orders" you were given.

Hypothesis: there are many options, but one of them is this - the heroine was severely punished in childhood for any "extra" waste. Now, without such a severe restriction, freedom and some impulsiveness are manifested when spending money.

Perhaps already at this stage you will understand much more about yourself today. Perhaps the origins of the current situation will become clear.

Security + status = money

In general, money has two main functions: it provides security and designates the status of the owner. Which of these functions was important in your family and is most important to you now?

Worried about safety, people are more likely to go into hoarding. If status is more important, spend. If these two trends are more or less in balance, then spending has a chance to be in balance.

Hypothesis: do you have attitudes like “came easily - easily left”, “spent, but beautifully”, “let them watch, envy” and others that would describe the superiority of money as a means of demonstrating status?

Money isn't easy

In general, the topic of money is quite worthy of contacting a psychologist with it, or at least listening to webinars on this topic. Actually, it differs little in this from the theme of the "crown of celibacy", the theme of alcohol, divorce and others. All of us in the age of pre-critical thinking are formed in family attitudes, stories, traditions. Even if we don't know the stories that formed them (and even if our parents don't know them), there is still this base of the past.

The hypotheses that I proposed along the way are just guidelines to think about. Perhaps none of them are correct. But even if they become just a starting point for a search, the text is not written in vain.