Children Are Hostages Of Divorce. Part 2 - Society

Is there a way to avoid the dire consequences of divorce on the child's psyche? Of course there is - if both parents are committed to respecting and protecting his interests. For this, it is extremely important to understand that the role of mom or dad and the role of wife or husband are on different planes, and try to avoid confusion in them

See also: Children are hostages of divorce. Part 1

There are five basic rules for the safe interaction of divorced parents:

1. Parental responsibilities are independent of marital status

The termination of the marital relationship does not mean the termination of the parent-child relationship - the child is still the son or daughter of both parents, regardless of where he lives.

It is important to remember that the fulfillment of duties is not limited to financial support in the form of alimony or other payments - it also includes the many daily chores of ensuring physical and psychological well-being - from timely vaccinations to checking lessons.

If one of the parents is overwhelmed, and the second is almost completely relieved of such worries, this will inevitably affect the child, who will have to exist with an emotionally exhausted “evil and serious” parent and occasionally see a “kind and cheerful”, but for some reason not in a hurry take him to you.

2. The relationship of the child with each of the parents is built separately

The idea that denigrating the child's father or mother "behind the back" telling nasty fables about them is not good and harmful for the child's psyche, it seems, has already taken root in our society (although this does not prevent thousands of former spouses from using this method, but such is the sad reality).

However, this medal has another side: neither parent is obliged to create a “bright image” of the other, if reality does not correspond to this image at all. This does not mean that a five-year-old needs to dump the whole truth on the forehead, for example, about infidelity or alcohol addiction, but also to lie that a passionately loving dad or mom has urgent business, which for the third year does not allow even to come to visit for half a day. worth it - what idea of love can a child take from this? Children are able to make a conclusion about the real relationships and character of each parent, based on personal experience of interaction with them.

3. Child safety should come first for both parents

Each parent is responsible for the life and health of their child. Unfortunately, situations are not so rare when one of the parents, trying to counteract the imaginary "overprotection" on the part of the second, exposes children to real danger: puts them behind the wheel of a car, takes them on ice fishing in the spring, takes them on a hike without appropriate equipment, or even just considers it normal to use assault for "educational" purposes.

In this case, the desire of a more responsible adult to protect children from harmful influences, for example, by changing the court decision on the residence or the mode of communication with them by the ex-spouse, becomes quite normal and even obligatory.

4. The preferential right of control belongs to the parent with whom the child constantly lives

It is he or she who will have to resolve health problems, resolve issues with teachers, endure the whims of a preschooler, or get a teenager out of depression if something serious suddenly happens. So the rules regarding the physical and psychological well-being of the child - for example, the elimination of allergens from the diet, the daily routine, the use of gadgets, etc. - should be followed not only in their "permanent" home, but also at a time when the son or the daughter is under the supervision of the second parent.

5. The interaction of parents about a common child should be, if not friendly, then at least business

Considering that divorce is rarely a calm and balanced decision of both spouses, this point is often the most difficult to implement: mutual grievances are too harsh, the memory of quarrels and unseemly actions is fresh. Nevertheless, parenting imposes obligations that have to be fulfilled "with a cool head", and among them - the ability to agree on key issues related to raising children.

In the early stages of the divorce process, parents can interact through third parties - mediators or lawyers - or in their presence: this will help make the negotiation process more constructive. However, it should be understood that in the future the communication of the former spouses will be inevitable - they will have to face at the moments of the "transfer" of the child to each other or at important moments of his life, where the presence of both mother and father will be important.

It is much better if at this time the parents do not sort things out, but calmly and politely exchange the necessary information, agree on the next meeting and, of course, devote time to the child himself. True, this rule "works" only when the desire to maintain normal relations is mutual - otherwise, if one of the parents constantly yields, and the second - to push their conditions, the child will become just an additional reason for manipulating the former partner.

Life, however, often presents "surprises" in the form of a sudden self-removal of one of the parents from their own responsibilities in relation to children. In these cases, the person who took them upon himself will certainly have a harder time - a drastic restructuring of relations will require great efforts to adapt and establish life in a “unipolar” family model. However, this does not at all negate the possibility that children in such a family will feel happy - the remaining adult may well become a full-fledged support and support not only for them, but also for himself (and more often - let's be honest - for herself).