Family Sparring. Why Win-Lose Doesn't Work - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

It is not always possible to avoid controversy, but more productive ways of communication can be tried to achieve mutual understanding, trust and respect. But for such a result to be possible, the sincere intention of the participants is necessary

By making this choice consciously, we overcome unconscious negative beliefs or attitudes, which are usually expressed in a pessimistic attitude, humility, feelings of hopelessness or resentment.

Pessimistic predictions about the outcome of a new dispute may also arise due to the fact that we have already had experience of failures in resolving differences in the past. As if preparing in advance for the "inevitable" negative result, we unconsciously protect ourselves from experiencing another disappointment with the help of a cynical view of things.

Instead, it is worth trying to develop a different attitude - choosing hope and abandoning the supposedly safe strategy of preparing for a new "failure"

The willingness to choose hope requires the courage and recognition of our vulnerability to make conflicts productive rather than destructive.

The primary quality that leads to a positive outcome in expressing differences is intentionality. Many couples enter "power struggles" because of their claims to control or defeat each other. But if one or both partners are led by the intention of mutual satisfaction of desires and needs, and not by the task of "winning the battle", the likelihood of a favorable outcome increases significantly.

There is a realization that a struggle in which one partner “rises” at the expense of the other, who feels like a loser, is a Pyrrhic victory. A confrontation that inflicts devastating damage on the winner becomes tantamount to defeat.

There are no winners or losers in partnerships. If someone “wins” or achieves their goal through devaluation, intimidation, coercion, dishonesty or other forms of manipulation, the couple experiences a decline in trust, a sense of security, respect and integrity. Explicitly or implicitly, this will manifest itself in many aspects and negatively affect the relationship.

If at least one of the partners realizes that these games inevitably lead to the loss of both, and decides to risk opening up in their vulnerability, this can turn a stalemate into an interaction that suits everyone

The more we view life as a decision-making process, rather than expecting others to fulfill their obligations, the less we tend to feel like victims. After all, if we feel helpless, we seek to compensate for it with more control. We pay for blaming others and justifying, justifying, and rationalizing our behavior by reinforcing unpleasant feelings that provoke us into controlling behavior.

The alternative to this self-defeating program is a willingness to take responsibility for our choices to live with and learn from the consequences of our decisions. As a result, the partner will no longer feel perceived as a “problem” and a source of suffering. He is likely to become less “defensive” and open up to engage in respectful dialogue.

It may seem that our relationship only survives through defensive strategies. But the truth is that they persist despite them. As in the case of other habits, we are reinforced by those patterns of thinking and behavior that, for some reason, have repeatedly worked.

We remain slaves to previously learned expectations, addicted to survival games and their consequences. This usually goes against what a love relationship requires. Very few of us succeed in devising alternative ways to effectively deal with conflict resolution problems. But it is conflicts that are the # 1 cause of all problems in intimate relationships.

Dominance requires defeat, even the smallest, on the part of the second participant. Anything you do to do this worsens the relationship and ultimately reduces the quality of life in general. But if we sacrifice ourselves to adjust to our partner, we both fail again

There is a direct correlation between our ability to deal effectively with differences and the long-term prospects of our relationship. The problem with most coping strategies is that they are based on the belief that wherever there is conflict, there must be a winner and a loser.

The reality is that in order to successfully resolve any situation associated with opposing desires, two things must be present: first, an agreement that the result should suit both, and, second, the attitude that the way in which this can to be realized exists.

When we experience conflict, it is often felt that our very lives are at stake, so the patterns of behavior habitual for such situations are called "coping strategies." This is especially felt when the desire of our partner threatens to prevent us from experiencing something important to our well-being.

When we turn off this alarm, it becomes possible to see the situation in perspective. This gives us enough space to admit that in most cases our ego is feeling the threat, but in fact nothing threatens our existence. Interrupting the hypercontrol impulse of the situation disrupts the fight-or-flight pattern.

Surely change does not happen overnight. It will take several repetitions, and sometimes more than we expect. However, the good news is that we are able to break free of outdated defensive models. And it gets easier over time.

Translation by Yana Tsyplakova