Alphonse Or Greedy? How To Understand A Man - Relations

Six months ago I met a man. He is attractive, witty, educated. I really like him, but his attitude confuses. He always comes empty-handed, doesn't give me anything, not even little things. Twice he borrowed money from me, but still can't give it back. It's his birthday soon, and he has already said several times that he wants an expensive phone as a present. Maybe he's a gigolo?

Alina, 27 years old

Men who, in one way or another, use a woman's resources to solve their problems, manipulating her dreams of true love and happy relationships, is not such a rare occurrence. And "professional" gigolos consciously engaged in this business are only a small part of them. Almost every woman runs the risk of meeting on her way a completely different kind of manipulator - the gigolo "everyday".

Such a man simply does not see anything shameful in taking advantage of all the benefits that a woman in love is ready to provide him. And this is a very important point - the "victim" of the gigolo at the very beginning of the relationship must be really in love with him and herself, voluntarily, want to "put her lover on her neck."

Such alliances, where a woman acts as a “donor”, providing housing, transportation, financial support and consumer services, can last for decades. During which a man uses the available benefits and, without rushing anywhere, is looking for himself, his life vocation, and just having fun.

Despite the stereotypes, not only wealthy and successful women get into such a relationship, but not only a charming sporty handsome man can be a gigolo. Tired of loneliness, "wrapped up", of different wealth, appearance, social status, disappointed or romantic young ladies are equally likely to become a "donor" of the gigolo. Which may be a young boy who recently let go of his “mother’s skirt”, and a respectable businessman in a decent suit, and an elderly man “shabby” by life with alcohol addiction.

The main thing in this formula is the sincere confidence of the "household gig" that with his presence in a woman's life and his consent to "appear" as her partner, he more than paid for all her investments for a hundred years in advance. And all this against the background of her cherished dream of "extraordinary love" and her willingness to make almost any sacrifice for this.

Your question raises several important, deep topics for working out at once: your attitude to love, your ideas about how worthy of love you are and what you are ready to do to find it, your way of building relationships with the opposite sex, your boundaries, your attitude to money and with money, to material wealth. Try to honestly answer yourself a few questions, perhaps these reflections will help to gain more clarity in the current situation.

16 questions to check. Alphonse or Greedy?

1. Are you sure that you are worthy of love simply by the fact of your birth, or do you think that love must be earned?
2. What are the most familiar ways and forms of expressing love?
3. How do you yourself used to express your affection?
4. To love or be loved - if you have to choose which is preferable?
5. How do you feel about material wealth? Do you think the money is deserved? How do you spend? Are you prone to compulsive shopping? Do you have any savings, an "airbag"?
6. How do you lend money? Are you able to give a large, significant amount if you are not sure that it will be returned?
7. If you are not paid back, how do you deal with it? How is your relationship with the person who has not returned the debt?
8. Is lending money to an unfamiliar person who does not repay a debt - is this a common, characteristic behavior for you?
9. What makes this man special, the one to whom you no doubt lent money a second time, before the first debt was repaid?
10. There were undoubtedly reasons for this, but why did these reasons seem worthy of attention to you?
11. How do you envision solving financial issues in close relationships? If there is love between people, do the individual material needs of everyone matter? What's more important?
12. Have you discussed with your partner important, root views of each other on the relationship, ideas about their further development? How well do you really know this man?
13. What happens if it turns out that your views on important issues are not the same? What are you most afraid of? Why?
14. What will happen to you if it turns out that he is a gigolo, does not have deep feelings for you and uses you? How will you feel? What will you do?
15. If your partner is having a difficult time, why do you think you should be the one to help solve his financial difficulties? When he talks about buying a new phone, why do you read this as a request to you?
16. Are you comfortable discussing financial matters with your partner? Find out what kind of difficulty he has? If not, what's stopping you? What are you afraid of?

Whether your friend is a gigolo, or you are simply unlucky enough to meet him during a difficult period of his life, it is not so important. In any case, there is a noticeable imbalance in your relationship that quite rightfully confuses you. You very correctly point out that the investments of resources are becoming more and more disequilibrium. And this can be a worrying sign, especially at the very beginning of a relationship.

Regardless of the state of finances, a loving person sincerely strives to do something pleasant for his beloved, to pamper him with something, even if just a cake, a chocolate or a flower. Surprises and gifts are a symbolic expression of attention and good relations between close, caring people. Empty-handed visits and unwillingness to give gifts, unfortunately, can mean that your man is less interested in the relationship than you are.