What If You Are Caught Cheating? - Relations

To begin with, I would like to define the very term "treason". What is it? After all, everyone understands the meaning of this word in different ways. For someone, a correspondence discovered by chance is already treason. For some it is enough to see a kiss out of the corner of their eye, to catch a partner watching a pornographic film. And there are those for whom sexual intercourse is not a betrayal if there is no emotional contact

So is treason betrayal? By the way, it is customary to give a negative color to betrayal in everyday life. By definition, betrayal is a failure to fulfill loyalty to someone, but how to understand where is the line?

A thin line between treason and betrayal

Let's imagine that a friend takes your husband away, for you it will be a betrayal. But she will think differently, for her it is love. Or your spouse, who at the altar promised to be with you until the end of his days, and after 20 years his feelings faded away - is he a traitor? Is he obliged, having once given such a promise, after many years to carry this burden with an unloved woman, with whom even children do not bind him, because they have grown up and live their own lives? When he promised, he really believed it.

In any case, everyone will have their own truth and everyone will really be right in their own way. Everything is born from the value system of each individual person. Perhaps it is worth learning about your partner's values in advance? Find out how the relationship of his parents developed, tell about his own vision of the family and relationships, build some boundaries.

Why do people cheat?

I think some of you have wondered at least once: why do people cheat? Why does it periodically pull "to the side"? It doesn't matter to whom you are addressing this question - yourself, your partner, friend, colleague …

Of course, men and women can have different motives, and they can also overlap somewhere. Personally, it seems to me that one of the main reasons for cheating is the inability to communicate.

Many of us find it difficult to truly trust our partner, discuss with him some hidden desires, addictions, hidden interests.

Features of female infidelity

To begin with, I would like to say about female infidelity, because they are less common and give rise to much more questions. Of course, the most common reason is the desire for love, passion. They are ready to part just for the sake of falling in love again, starting to live together, perhaps even arranging a wedding every time, or having children, just to experience this storm of passions again and again. Of course, romance plays an important role here.

A woman wants to be heard. It is important for her to share her experiences, sentimental stories, she needs a conversation, she needs an emotional closeness that can be lost long ago with the person with whom she lives under the same roof.

A common consequence may be that a woman, intentionally or unconsciously, is looking for some flaws in her constant partner in order to justify her betrayal, so she mutes her feeling of guilt in front of him.

An important aspect is the connection of a woman with her very first man - with her father. Often, ladies choose not a man for their husbands - the way he is - but their father, trying to get the same love and attention, or renewing their trauma. But the whole problem lies in the fact that this man is not a priori a father and with all the desire he will not replace him and will not become one.

Features of male cheating

Of course, men may have identical reasons for cheating, but still they often just want new acquaintances. The new girl is not yet known, she is like an undiscovered universe, he did not see her either in a dressing gown, or sick, or in an unsightly light, just as she did not see him. Due to this, he can create any reality. He can tell her that he is an astronaut and live this new life like a TV show. And his everyday existence no longer seems so boring, monotonous and worthless.

If he has many women, then he can live his new role with each one. Freud wrote about such men: "He who loves many - knows women, who loves one - knows love."

Just as often, men are seized by the desire to feel young, still desirable in the eyes of a female, needed, such as he might not have been in his youth. Self-affirmation is their strong point.

Did I marry that one?

In our country, there is such a cultural problem as early marriages. The couple seeks to legalize their relationship as soon as possible. The candy-bouquet period, when partners can enjoy each other and their feelings, does not last long. Lovers immerse themselves in everyday life, have children. A serious family life begins immediately, with all the obligations, while these people are not sure if they are ready to live their whole life together.

And so it turns out - we have lived together for so many years, and there is nothing to remember. In addition, a woman may also have the first man, she has nothing to compare with, she is gnawed by doubts, is he the only one? "Did I marry that one?"

In this case, a man can try to play this moment with his mistress, get that share of pleasure that the couple gets at the very beginning, without obligations. He will give flowers and gifts to his passion, take her to the cinema, walk with her in parks, hide in corners like a schoolboy.

And if you dig deeper …

But what if you look at cheating from a psychoanalytic point of view, deeper, so to speak? Of course, most likely, the first thing we will see is that there were betrayals in the traitor's parental couple too.

A situation can have many different facets. For example, dad cheated on mom, son took this style from dad and is now doing the same. Either the daughter took the model of behavior from her mother, and is now unconsciously looking for a man prone to cheating, or vice versa … The bottom line is that they are unconsciously trying to recreate the situation from one side or the other in order to finally try to rework it within themselves.

Or they get a secondary benefit from it. For example, as women who provoke their beloved into adultery, and then, as compensation, receive flowers, expensive gifts, attention, a person who is ready to fall at their feet, just to beg forgiveness. No one ever gives up on anything, one pleasure is replaced by another.

In any case, it is clear that in such a situation some very important psychological aspect is missed. Something went wrong in the relationship, and obviously a lot of work will have to be done, and on both sides, to glue this cup. It won't be easy, and definitely the work should be mutual, otherwise don't expect the result. It is impossible in such a situation to treat your partner “sparingly”. This can only cause detachment, if there are difficulties, they must be overcome.

How to recognize cheating?

I think many are also interested in how you can recognize cheating. How to understand that your partner, your half is passionate about someone else? Unless, of course, you caught him by the leg in bed …

Perhaps you have begun to notice that the beloved is behaving in a somewhat detached way, which is not typical for him. Looks at you differently from usual. Mentally, he seems to be somewhere not here, immersed in himself, dialogues are reduced to naught, sex is absent or very rare. And during sex, the other half seems to think about something, imagine something …

A person can start hiding his phone, set a password that was not there before, or change the old one, start turning the gadget over so that the screen is not visible. Can sit with the phone in the toilet for a very long time, longer than usual. Also, your "Petya", who has never watched over himself, suddenly begins to go to the gym, often wash, scent, dress beautifully - not like before.

Of course, there may be more obvious things. You may find direct correspondence, warm or intimate. Coming home, the husband may smell like another woman. Stains and streaks from cosmetics, all kinds of glitter, hair can remain on his clothes and body.

Finding out the truth is pretty easy. But before starting your investigation, ask yourself the question: what will you do with this truth? Will you be able to live with her as before? If not, would you want to keep your family together? If so, how? If not, then be prepared for it.

Who is prone to monogamy?

Now I would like to talk about monogamy. What could be the reason for such a choice? As practice shows, most often monogamous people are sociophobic, conservative, neurotic, anxious. They will not risk their calmness, increase their anxiety, or add guilt to themselves.

It also happens (most often in women) that only one person is needed while you are filled with vivid emotions. He is cheating, she is filled with resentment and jealousy. He is in demand by other women, which means he is valuable. All her passion rests on these explosive feelings, if the partner becomes faithful, emotions will disappear, and then interest in him.

Love is a feeling that arises under conditions. Any love is conditional, which means it also has time limits. Even motherly love has conditions. While the child is small, he is loved. When a child grows up and becomes a drug addict who brings trouble to the family, the mother wants to get rid of him.

Adherents of polygamy

As for polygamy, then, of course, it is more common in men. They choose a lover who looks like a wife, but younger. In this case, love for a lawful wife rests on guilt, fear of being caught, on intrigue. The wife is his base, his stability. With her you can be yourself, get sick, give birth to children, you can trust her. Here feelings are prolonged, and mistresses can arise periodically, even change.

Sometimes, on the contrary, a mistress is the complete opposite of a wife. The husband unconsciously chooses something unacceptable for his pleasures: a bright lady bordering on a girl of easy virtue. He understands that he will not live with such a thing, and he himself is safer for his family, he knows that he will not leave them. In such a union, only impressions are important. A man does not need complete freedom, because this is a responsibility, she is afraid. And with a wife, this responsibility can be shared.

Wives are not looking for a fresh incarnation of their husband; rather, they want the exact opposite. A husband for such a woman is also an indicator of stability, and a lover complements, like a puzzle, the missing pieces. She's having fun, but such a man cannot be trusted entirely.

What if you are caught cheating?

Is it necessary to tell the truth in such a situation? Of course, public opinion differs here.

The main version says that you need to keep the truth to yourself. And even with a serious quarrel or parting, you do not need to chase after a person with stories of your betrayals. Your partner will never forget this, the stigma of betrayal will remain on your relationship forever. Even if the spouse tries to forget about what happened, he will never be able to forgive. Yes, over time, this wound will hurt less, but the person will always remember this.

If you argue that this was not the case, after a while the person will begin to believe in it, since the news of the betrayal is traumatic for the psyche, and the consciousness will choose a less painful option - not to believe, will begin to doubt.

The person who wants to confess is not thinking about something else. It is hard for him to carry this burden. He understands that this is bad, he is ashamed, he feels guilty and wants to get rid of it all. The cheater is forced to do something about it … And then he confesses in order to shift the responsibility onto another. This is the projection of the infantile part with the expectation of its growth through a partner.

But then what? A couple can continue their relationship, but they will not be the same, they will be poisoned, they will get worse, and it will not be possible to start from scratch. This pain is associated with the loss of own investment.

We give a lot to a person, give our love, “spend” on him. By such an act, a partner devalues all our actions, and, as Sigmund Freud wrote in his writings, "we are never as defenseless as when we love, and never as hopelessly unhappy as when we lose the object of our love."