Study Abroad (Possible) - Society

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

Sending a child to study abroad is the pinnacle of a parenting career. It seems to us that the coveted diploma of a European or American university will forever protect the child from the anxieties and troubles of adult life in a modern highly competitive society, that the cherished certificate guarantees him a comfortable existence and lifelong success. Ok, not for life. High start, at least

That's right, no one argues. But do we realize on what the future success of our children is actually built? For some reason, in the picture of their beautiful future, iridescent in all shades (mostly green), there is no room for reasonable doubts and sober fears: is this foreign study so unconditionally good for a young person?

Sometimes the parents of the future stars of Harvard or Cambridge come to me for consultation, usually with a complaint about the lack of motivation or zeal of the offspring. And if I suddenly begin to express my doubts about the expediency of this very expensive enterprise, they are usually very indignant: what are you talking about, madam, because we are not sending a child to the tundra, not to a construction battalion, to Europe! To university! Undergraduate! Sorbonne

Well, if you don’t want to listen, I’ll write in letters.

Yes, I really think that leaving to study at 17 is a very bad idea. That's why.

Important years

This is the name of a very useful book by Mag J (I recommend buying and presenting to your graduate, there are many real stories) about how difficult it is to be a young man in modern civilization. The demands and expectations are higher than ever before. And the time for the implementation of the main age programs is nothing at all, some ten years, from 20 to 30. During this time, the boy / girl must have time to: separate from their parents, determine their sexual orientation, find a partner, choose a specialty, complete vocational education, find a job, advance in a career, find housing and, for good reason, give birth to at least one child.

Not a lousy task, right? Now apply a factor of 3 if all of the above is planned to be produced in a foreign country. That is, all the cultural codes by which we, without hesitation, define the opposite person as suitable or inappropriate, all the signs on the houses, all the rules of behavior are different. You go out in search of mail or laundry, but you do not recognize it, because there are no familiar icons. You may find yourself in a very dangerous quarter, because you simply did not notice the warning symbols: strangers do not go here.

What's your cultural code?

When we watch a movie - let it be, for example, "The Diamond Hand" - we laugh not only when Semyon Semyonich slips on a banana peel, but also when Lelik says with an indescribable accent: "You will have coffee and kakava, Kozlodoev ! " Because this set of techniques immediately draws a rich image of an insolent urkagan (this is also a special word, do your children know it?) From the southern provinces.

All this background is already loaded into your child's brain. This is the common cultural code. But there is no such unity with European / American peers, therefore, it is impossible to determine a new acquaintance from a conventionally decent or potentially problematic environment by reprimand and jokes

It is on these additional operations that the main energy of the freshly baked emigrant is spent. It seems to us that all he has to do is to study, not to look for a job, we provide it to everyone, but in fact, our freshly baked Oxbridge student has to solve daily problems of the position in the pack, and consumer services, and building relationships with teachers, and adaptation to a different climate.

Oh, one more thing - infections. Almost all students start to get sick all the time. Which, in general, is quite understandable: they do not have immunity to a new set of "children's" infections, which the local children had in the kindergarten-school. Plus the lack of skills to dress properly or take care of the temperature in the existing climatic conditions: a mandatory scarf in Europe, mandatory two liters of water in Israel, socks in bed in England. And the mother, who will give the right medicine, will take her to her usual doctor, dry her wet shoes, she is not around.

Our grown children. Nearly…

But since I am a child psychologist, I will sing about my own, about the psychological.

17-18 years - the age of completion, if you are lucky, or the rapid flow, if everything is a little delayed, separation processes in the relationship "parent-teenager". Our almost-already-quite-adult children have reached their maximum physical growth. Their hormones more or less stabilized, the most thundering battles over "who has the right to enter my room" died down, and it was finally found out at which one should be at home at one o'clock in the morning, and in which all dishes should be washed. Usually, by the 11th grade, young people and girls have already decided on the choice of their future specialty and quite consciously study day and night. Unless you fell into a severe depression, about which I write about three articles a year, but still letters “he is lazy and does not want anything” continue to come regularly.

In addition, at the same time, stormy romances are being started. And right there, immediately, it is very urgent to lose weight for the prom. Or vice versa, pump yourself up a muscle so as not to look skinny. And I also want to smoke, sleep, eat, cry, a tattoo, a new hairstyle - it didn't work out, then I'll shave everything off to hell, buy a little dog, sat down with new pants on a freshly painted fence, everyone has it, I don't, I'm a complete insignificance, inside I'm an abomination, hurray, we will put on a performance at the prom.

Parents are usually in a pre-infarction state at this time. Whole year. Well, you know. In this state, the idea is to send the child to a distant, distant galaxy, where they will at least look after him, cunningly and cleverly teach him, and even receive a beautiful diploma as a result, where it will be written in gold that you have completed your mission on this Earth - with distinction … It's just a brilliant idea!

The mission "to send a child to a distant galaxy" has been completed. What's next?

In fact, this is not at all the case.

You probably imagine studying in a foreign university like in the Harry Potter films: hardworking house elves serve, wise professors teach, curators make sure that the student does not skip, loyal friends lend their shoulders, and for every gouging Ron there is a personal Hermione who won't let you get into trouble. (I wonder what Hermione's parents think about this?)

Let's not forget that all this raspberry-raspberry looks like that only from the role of Harry: after a life full of humiliation and hardship, he really feels like he has gone to heaven. For the first time he eats his fill and sleeps in a normal bed!

Now imagine an average person of 17 years old from a normal (and wealthy, let's not forget about this, because people who are far from poor send their children to study abroad) families. He usually has his own room, in which his mother / grandmother / housekeeper puts things in order while he is at school; a healthy diet five times a day; washing, as well as delivering groceries, caring for the house - it does not concern, "you just learn." All external problems are solved by dad, internal - by mom. For such a teenager, leaving for the university is practically a spacewalk in a light spacesuit, and a communication session with Houston, to whom you can cry with tears “We have problems!”, Although daily, but does not help much.

Real life examples

Example No. 1

Here is what Veronika, 49 years old, writes from Moscow: “First our daughter and then our son left for a year. The difference was enormous: my daughter was already studying for a magistracy, plus she lived separately from the third year. And my son went for an internship after the third year, right from home. The daughter ended up in the main city of the country, in a decent hostel for graduate students, with adults, two people per room. And then she suffered a lot, changed her room twice a year, lost a lot of weight, cried, and was very ill in winter. Everything new, unfamiliar, lectures in two languages, until we figured out food, laundry, hot water, which had to be cleverly obtained somehow! The commandant in the dormitory of the Turks, speaks with some wild accent, cannot make out anything, nods, says “okay, I will do everything” - and does nothing! In two out of three rooms, the guys drink every evening, someone then sobs,at midnight they rush one after another, sort things out, quarrel, make peace, throw furniture … The schedule is constantly changing, the teacher is ill, someone has died, then the conditions of the program have changed retroactively. Then they said: "Look for your own practice!"

And it was still a good, successful option, the daughter stayed in the country, found a job, then got married. In general, a year later, my son ran away, he had a hostel in a tiny town, literally seven miles before civilization on dogs. The roommate was selling dope, the police came to them, the food was also somehow very bad. After the holidays, he refused to return, says: "Here (in Russia) in three months I will learn what they teach there for a year."

Example No. 2

I am talking with a friend who is going to send my daughter to study in Germany, I try to dissuade him: Nastya is already almost transparent, rather quiet than lively, very attached to her mother, I do not see any ambitions in her for punching a road among strong immigrants from the Middle East. “I got through! - her father, an almost two-meter man with the skills of a fist fighter, gets excited. “I also came from my Urals to Moscow at the age of 17, and nothing, I learned, I didn’t disappear.” Compared, I say, a stump with a fair! In 1985, it was very possible to live in a hostel of any institute, especially if you are a healthy guy. And then, honey, I remind you how many days a week you and the guys were sober? When did you start your mind? After the third year, when you were almost kicked out and Helen took you with her small strong hands, no worse than Hermione. So be quietdo not tell me how useful it is to jump on the bandwagon in time on the way to a brighter future.

4 rules will help you make your choice

In general, as far as I can judge from the experience of my acquaintances, as well as numerous clients, of whom, as you understand, there were many in almost 20 years of practice, the situation with studying abroad is as follows:

• 1. Master's degree is better than bachelor's degree. The teenager manages to turn into a young man, to debug internal processes, to endure the most painful things in a favorable environment.
• 2. The state of health is of great importance. Moreover, mental stability, the ability to adapt determines everything in general. It will be very disappointing to pay a lot of money, pass difficult exams - and fall into an endless series of otitis media, bronchitis, sinusitis simply because you are exhausted and your immune system cannot cope.
• 3. The value of foreign education is greatly exaggerated. This is mainly advertising. Studying in a foreign, even well-learned, language is many times more difficult, and this lays the foundations of a specialty, something that should bounce off the teeth.
• 4. Life. Do not get fooled by the stories of agents, you have to look at the spot. In fact, the level of comfort to which the residents of large cities of our country are accustomed cannot be compared with the European one. This primarily applies to heating and hot water. And food, oddly enough.