Falling In Love And Love - Insignia - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

Many women do not want to part with the euphoria of falling in love and perceive its loss as a tragedy. Confirmation of this is a conversation between a woman and a psychotherapist

- You see, before, talking to me, he looked at me like that, with such tenderness … But now - he mutters something, is silent, irritated.

- Maybe he gets tired after work?

- Yes, he is tired, I understand, but before he did not get tired when he talked to me, but now …

- Are you looking forward to a relationship of love? Maybe your relationship has gone further? And now you can open up, trust each other, show yourself as you are, without embellishment. Love has passed. Love has come.

- I don’t know, I want it to be …

The situation is typical, the woman is about 40 years old, but she is demandingly looking for a relationship in which her partner is constantly “in love”. Only then does she feel loved. To confirm sympathy from a man, she needs convincing evidence in the form of vivid emotions, admiration, and worship.

Many women remain fascinated by "falling in love." They are not ready for an even calm relationship, mature love, which is the basis of family happiness.

So what's the difference between falling in love and loving? And why do some people spend their entire lives in search of "falling in love", avoiding real and strong feelings of love?

Love hypnosis

Falling in love is a feeling that helps to “idealize” a person in order to love him at first sight. It's kind of a little crazy when it blows your head off. In this case, the person with whom they are in love is the best in the world, man or woman, it is impossible to live without him

Sigmund Freud considered the state of falling in love as pathological in essence, calling falling in love a love passion, in which a man overestimates his beloved woman. He believed that in a state of love, a person's “I” “becomes impoverished, it is given to the object of worship, a person seems to lose himself”.

Sandor Ferenczi compared falling in love with a state of hypnosis. He believed that “… the state of being in love sometimes gives rise to psychological phenomena resembling hypnosis. Blinded by love passion, a man weakly commits acts that his beloved instills in him, even if these are crimes.

But it is falling in love that includes the very ability to idealize, evokes an erotic desire, which creates the potential for the development of serious relationships, for the development of love. Through falling in love, people establish full-fledged sexual relationships, experience emotional closeness, and feel the closeness of their ideals with a partner. Falling in love brings with it a surge of strength, energy, inspiration. This state removes, smooths out aggression, makes it serve love.

Falling in love is akin to mania - it is a territory of strong emotions, passions, but it is impossible to be on such an explosive range for a long time. Emotions should take shape in a more permanent feeling, which does not prevent a person from being himself, on the contrary, helps to fully express himself through mutual love.

Power of love

In the view of the famous scientist Otto Kernberg, several important aspects stand out in mature sexual love:

• sexual arousal, turning into erotic desire in relation to another person;
• tenderness, thanks to which love prevails over aggression in relationships; the ability to experience the fact that one and the same person simultaneously evokes completely opposite feelings, when at the same time "love" and "hate"; this is normal for mature love;
• identification with another, that is, identification, assimilation of oneself to another; “I am like you, I am the same as you, I also love it and admire it, but you are a man, and I am a woman, and I have deep empathy for the fact that you and I are so different”;
• a mature form of idealization in relation to a partner - it is impossible to love a person whom you do not respect, whom you do not admire, at least in some aspects, you do not value his abilities; but the idealization of a partner is the flip side of obligations towards him; "She is ideal in something, in response I am ideal in this or in something else"; it is also an obligation to maintain a relationship: what I or we are obliged to do to maintain a relationship;
• an element of passion in both sexual and object relationships.

Love is a feeling, not an emotion. The duration of this feeling depends on the support of the man and woman. It does not absorb a person, depriving him of his own sense of "I", on the contrary - expands the "I" of a person

Thanks to a meeting with another, we often find out what individual hobbies peculiar only to us that were unknown to us are inside us. A loved one helps us to see, recognize and reveal them in all their diversity. Love is the place where a person recognizes himself.

Such different examples of relationships

Example No. 1

Let me tell you about the story of a young woman. She is 35 years old. She is not married. Beautiful, intelligent. For a long time she has been in search of a man with whom she wants to start a family out of mutual love, but nothing happens. She actively seeks, meets, meets. Sometimes there is a state of love, but she never managed to move on to true love.

The very strong psychological trauma received in childhood does not allow us to experience the moments of uncertainty in a relationship that usually arise when communicating with another person.

Strong separation anxiety interprets any uncertainty as abandonment, causes aggression, despair, makes you suffer greatly. And she chooses the only way to protect herself from this state - flight. She provokes a situation of "rejection", without sustaining a pause, blames the man, aggressively attacks him (in writing or in conversation), and the partner disappears. Everything is destroyed at the very beginning. The woman suffers that no one loves her. But she never managed to reach the beginning of love in a relationship because of her own psychological disorder.

Example No. 2

They are attracted by examples of faithful love in marriage. A woman for 40 years lived with her husband in love and harmony. Perhaps this is the rare case when a couple retained love for many years, they, in addition to tender feelings for each other, care, affection, still have sexual relations.

She and her husband recall the state of love that they had at the very beginning of their relationship. Remembering, they cherish these moments and accept that the emotions that both experienced during that period were very strong and then they no longer had such strong emotions. But this is perceived calmly, without regret, without a secret desire to repeat them, those emotions were transformed into the creative process of a friendly life together.

Falling in love is not love yet

Some people don't understand the difference between falling in love and being in love. They believe that if there are no strong emotions, extraordinary energetic, spiritual uplift, if there is no fierce passion (although some retain passionate relationships in the period of love), then love is over. And they begin to search for the object of love, the search for new sensations and strong emotions.

Sometimes couples create families without love. Met, got married, it's time to start a family. And from such relationships, real mature love sometimes arises. But it happens when one of the couple remains forever in search of "true love", which allegedly passed by. Such a person can, for many years, being married, look for emotions on the side, that very love. Why is this happening?

The answer to this question is individual in each case. But a person is simply obliged to understand what he is looking for in life and why. Whether he is looking for love, or whether he lingered on the threshold of adolescence, being already quite an adult physiologically, he remains a teenager, seeking new sensations and emotions, unable to take a step towards growing up and for some unknown reason to truly love.