Table of contents:
- “Sometimes I miss … With outward well-being, this feeling is perceived as wrong, impermissible. And tears … Why are there tears in my throat? I do not allow them to be. I cannot allow anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes I miss the real myself, which I never had. "
- Hidden feelings
- Bad legacy
- Healing the soul
- 5 simple self-help techniques:
Video: Get Yourself Back! How To Get Out Of Childhood Trauma - Self-development
“Sometimes I miss … With outward well-being, this feeling is perceived as wrong, impermissible. And tears … Why are there tears in my throat? I do not allow them to be. I cannot allow anyone to feel sorry for me. Sometimes I miss the real myself, which I never had. "
Traumatized children are sometimes unaware of their own trauma. They defend themselves, displace, deny, create another reality in which everything is good: a friendly family, the best mom and dad, a happy childhood.
Even if the memories persistently throw up sad pictures, they are rejected as insignificant and “everything was fine”, “my mom loves me”, “dad wants well”, “grandmother grumbles and scolds just for show…” We tend to “leave” good memories and "Delete" bad ones. This is the law of preservation of the psyche.
And inside everything hurts, pricks with scraps of remarks, bursting with tears at the scenes he accidentally saw. And anger arises at completely strangers, who can (at least mentally) say: "But I, but I did not have this and could not be …" And the question does not arise: "And why, in fact, it hooked me so ?"
Traumatized children, becoming parents, can only give their children what they were given. Just hand over their luggage. You cannot give love if you do not know how to love, you cannot give good, if you are not even kind to yourself, you cannot give warmth, if you are cold inside, you cannot give joy if life is seen in gray.
Trauma is passed down through generations, adding and supplementing each with something of their own, only peculiar to them
First, “to put on and put on shoes is no worse than others,” then “and our children are excellent students,” then “there they have achieved what, and all thanks to us”.
Traumatized parents have no time for children. They try to survive in their own world, where shame and guilt, where it is impossible to look inside themselves, where they have to close the door leading to memories and pain, to the rejection experienced. Even overprotection is also indifference, living in their own complexes at the expense of children.
And also inside there is fear … fear of being alone, so you need to bind as tightly as possible, and here all means are good …
Responsibility for the failed life of mother and father. Parents could assert themselves through the achievements of their children: "You should study well, then your mother will be happy with you" - or declare the expectation of a better life for yourself: "Did I just give birth to you ?!"
And children grow up - eternally guilty, eternally responsible, taking on the role of parents, sacrificing their time, strength, resources, giving parents the right to judge and demand, evaluate and express dissatisfaction, always adjusting, justifying, yielding, comfortable and obedient … Dreaming all their lives to be “good” for mom and dad, but always “not enough”. All my life "begging" for love and approval. And not receiving them.
Always “not that”, “not enough”, “but the neighbors”, “well, what else do you want, I told you what suits me”, “you cannot demand anything from me, I’m your mother!”, “I raised you, and you! ".
You cannot be “good”, let alone “best” for someone who does not love - he will always see even non-existent shortcomings
You cannot get what a person does not have. Although you still continue to hope. Until something happens and opens his eyes to the terrible truth: “They don't love me!..”, “With a psychotherapist, I received support that I never received from my parents,” “I was never directly compared to other children. They just never got praise. Everything was taken for granted. And my mother noticed other children, stroked the head and agreed with the praises of their parents. And all my life I dream of hearing from them how proud they are of me."
“We were visiting, and all the children were indulging. When they completely misbehaved and broke the vase, adults came and for some reason began to scold me. Memories of how brothers and sisters blamed me, how my uncles and aunts scolded me, how my own parents not only did not intercede for me, did not regret, did not try to find out anything, but joined everyone and shamed, they still respond pain in me."
Memories cause discomfort and raise questions that have no answer
Many, and sometimes all, unpleasant events from childhood are simply "removed" from memory. And they begin to emerge when this "something", which opened the eyes to reality, happens and it is not possible to hide.
Memories flow, causing incredible pain. Awareness cuts to the living. I want to cry out loud and scream just because it is necessary to give out negative energy and replenish the resource that was spent on justifying the parents.
Healing the soul
The easiest way is to say to yourself: “Come on! Everything is not so terrible!.. They love me, they love me too! " - and continue to live as before. It is easier than voicing a terrible and almost impossible truth, realizing, accepting and moving on. Not everyone is ready for this. And not everyone needs it. Only if it's already unbearable.
The "edge" comes unexpectedly or is constantly present: troubles, failures, feeling unwell, self-doubt, fears, family difficulties, misunderstanding with spouses and children
No matter what is done, nothing happens. It seems that the black streak is pursuing and does not end, that your whole life has turned into a struggle and no matter how you fight, you will still lose. When apathy creeps in, or even depression, and you don't want anything, it doesn't matter what happens next, auto-aggression, "accidental" falls, cuts and fractures. Someone in this "land" continues to live, and someone decides to go to a psychologist.
First you need to understand what is happening, see that there is a problem, and decide that it is time to deal with it.
5 simple self-help techniques:
- Sit down and describe everything that is difficult. Recall similar situations. Realize how they acted then. Understand which of these actions led to a decision and which prevented. Record the result.
- Ask yourself all the questions that have accumulated. Take your time, postpone, add, edit. Return to them when everything has been formulated, and cross out those, the answers to which have already been received.
- If you have any questions for others, be sure to ask. Listen to yourself. Check the received answer with your feelings. If there are contradictions, check. If there is inner protest and disagreement, trust yourself.
- If there are tears, don't hold back. Give yourself time, hide from everyone in a secluded place and cry as long as there are enough tears. After a week or two, it will become easier, it will be easier to think about painful events.
- If it is difficult to cope on your own, contact a specialist. Allow yourself to be weak and need help. Recognize that not everything can be solved alone.
And when the edge is passed, healing begins from "parental love", which is able not only to elevate, but also to kill. And gradually … very slowly … one step at a time … the void is filled, filled with something so far unfamiliar, unknown, very similar to childhood ideas about love, but never experienced. And then there will be a meeting with yourself, so close and real.