What Is Self-care? - Self-development

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

In the last article I wrote about internal violence, where it comes from and how it manifests itself. And she promised to talk about inner care. Keeping my promise

Who is in charge of internal care?

As with self-abuse, here we need to look into a part of the personality called the Inner Parent. Like real parents, he can behave in different ways: criticize and hurt, or support and help develop. Since the Inner Parent is formed by copying the behavior of those people who surrounded us in childhood, it is their model of caring that becomes our internal standard. From our parents (as well as grandparents and other significant adults), we "inherit" rules (whether it is possible to take care of ourselves and in what situation) and ways (how exactly to take care of ourselves).

Practical task

Remember: how did your parents (or those who replaced them, who were next to you in childhood) take care of you? And in what cases? Were these regular manifestations "just like that" or only when you were sick or upset about something? How did they take care of themselves? Did they pay attention to their needs? Or did they prefer to play the role of the Victim and expect care from others?

How We Fake Self Care

Option number 1

In our culture, pity for others and ourselves is very important. But pity is definitely not a concern. What is the difference? For myself, I formulate it as follows: pity the one who is considered helpless, poor, incapable of anything. Care is taken for those who are valued. Whom they want to help grow and develop.

There is much more faith in a person in caring than in pity. When a person has few opportunities to receive care (and he himself does not know how to take care of himself), he readily agrees to pity. And in order to feel sorry for you, you must constantly be in the state of the Victim, that is, avoid responsibility and not even try to solve your problems.

Perhaps this is one of the factors that plays a role in the emergence of the so-called "problem" and "frequently ill" children, as well as adults living life as a "loser".

Option number 2

Another fake care is the “tight-knit” habit of “well-meaning” behavior. In essence, it is psychological abuse disguised as care. Taking care of yourself does not mean constantly giving pleasure, but it never makes a person feel "wrong", "worthless" and even more so "bad." If this is what you feel as a result of some action (either yourself or someone else's), stop and find a way to protect yourself.

Option number 3

The third option for "pseudo-care" is running away from problems. In this case, the person puts on "rose-colored glasses" and convinces himself that there are no problems. Or "hides under the covers" in the hope that "it will dissolve by itself."

Such a strategy is adopted by an adult if in childhood the parents preferred not to notice difficulties or regularly "ran away" from them into alcohol, work or other addictions. As a result of such a “careful attitude to his psyche,” a person misses opportunities to solve problems on time.

What prevents us from taking care of ourselves?

In analyzing customer experience, I highlight three reasons.

Reason 1. "I don't understand why to take care of myself (and you can live without it)"

And really, why? First of all, because the only person who is with us all our lives is ourselves. And by refusing to take care of ourselves, we become like a person who is going on a long car trip, but does not even fill up gasoline, change oil, and check tire pressure. How far will he go? At the same time, the journey can be made not only long, but also comfortable if you really take care of the car.

Second, a person who does not take care of himself is little able to take care of others. This is especially important for parents because we are the ones who set the example and set the standards for self-care. There is a parable about this that I love very much (and I recommend all mothers to reread it regularly).

Once upon a time there was a poor Jewish family. There were many children, but little money. The poor mother worked hard - she cooked, washed and screamed, handed out slaps and loudly complained about life. Finally, exhausted, I went to the rabbi for advice: how to become a good mother?

She came out thoughtful. Since then it has been changed. No, the money in the family has not increased. And the children did not become more obedient. But now mom did not scold them, and a friendly smile did not leave her face. Once a week she went to the market, and when she returned, she locked herself in a room for the whole evening.

The children were tormented by curiosity. Once they violated the ban and dropped in to see their mother. She sat at the table and … drank tea with a sweet bun!

“Mom, what are you doing? But what about us? " - the children shouted indignantly.

“Calm down, children! She answered importantly. "I make you a happy mom!"

Reason 2. "You can't take care of yourself"

This position is based on prohibitions on self-care that originate in the parental family. They can sound like “taking care of yourself is indecent,” “taking care of yourself is selfishness,” “you need to think about others, not yourself,” “I am the last letter of the alphabet,” etc. Such ideas had to be supported by real behavior parents (life in the position of the Sacrifice, denying oneself in pleasures and rest, etc.).

Practical task

If you feel that it is somehow “wrong” to take care of yourself, answer the questions: “What happens if I do start to take care of myself? What will my life look like in a week, a month, a year? Will the consequences be dire, or vice versa? " Then just try it. Live a day, week, month, taking care of yourself (I'll describe the algorithm). And then make a conclusion whether you should continue or not. Your adult conclusion and your adult choice. Sometimes dealing with self-care inhibition takes time, but trust me, it's worth it.

Reason 3. "I don't know what exactly needs to be done"

Yes, now they talk and write a lot about taking care of ourselves, but, as I wrote above, not every one of us had specific examples of such care before our eyes (most of them just did not). Therefore, in the next article I will tell you what taking care of yourself consists of, and I will give an algorithm that will help to establish it.

Practical task

So that you are as prepared as possible for the next article, I will give you homework. At least during the week, ask yourself the question as often as possible: "What do I want right now?" Whether to realize this desire or not is up to you, the meaning of the task is simply to begin to "hear" your needs.