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Constant Impermanence. Narcissist's Double Episodes - Relations
Constant Impermanence. Narcissist's Double Episodes - Relations

Video: Constant Impermanence. Narcissist's Double Episodes - Relations

Video: Constant Impermanence. Narcissist's Double Episodes - Relations
Video: Narcissistic family roles (scapegoat, golden child, invisible child) 2023, May

This is how it sounds: “I love you! You're cool! You must change! Go away! It's all your fault! " And so in a circle. The irony is that the consistency of the narcissist is in his inconsistency

If you are in love with someone who sends you conflicting signals every now and then, it can damage your emotional health and even make you question your perception of reality. Receiving double bindings undermines your faith in your intuition. You are walking through a minefield because you want to prevent “permanent impermanence” without realizing that it is 100 percent out of your control.

There are other words for this phenomenon: "ambivalence", "gaslighting" and "brainwave".

Invisible traps:

  • False promises or statements. You will be told that you will definitely go somewhere, or they will promise to buy you something, but this will never happen.
  • First they do something bad to you, and then behave as if nothing had happened. If you try to talk about it, the reaction will be something like: "How much you can stir up the past" or "From you always one negative."
  • On Friday night you had a magical date, and on Saturday you are tortured with icy silence.
  • They swear to fulfill your cherished desire, and then take their promises back, explaining that you yourself are to blame. "You shouldn't have done this and that", "I didn't even imagine that you were capable of such a thing …", "You had to think before doing 1, 2, 3 …"
  • They lie. Emotional abusers are chronic liars. If you try to hold them accountable, they simply deny everything you heard from their lips.
  • Use a flip-flop approach. A person literally becomes a different person after a while. And you ask yourself: “Where has he / she gone / gone? I know for sure that he / she is somewhere inside. "
  • They don't back up words with deeds. You hear a lot of plans from the mouth of the abuser, but you don't see any concrete results. It's easy to talk about anything, much more difficult to do something meaningful. Narcissists are masters at making false promises.
  • Double standarts. Here's a great example. The narcissist will scold you for the way you are dressed - even if you look amazing and are in great shape - at the same time he / she may be overweight and have absolutely no desire to take care of your appearance.

The truth is, emotional abuse is highly destructive because it happens gradually and unnoticed by others. Not only others do not see and understand this, but often the victim does too. If you are experiencing emotional abuse in the form of double binds, you most likely do not even realize that you are the victim.

Victim symptoms:


You will constantly ask yourself, “What happened? Where is he / she? Something went wrong? What have I done / did? How can I fix this? " If you go to the abuser for answers, he / she will give you them, but they will hurt you even more and confuse you even more.

External focus of attention

You spend countless hours focusing on the other person - their thoughts, feelings, and behavior. In the process, you are not listening to your inner voice, feelings and intuition. You will begin to arrange your life based on the reactions and actions of the other person. Because the narcissist has a fragmented personality, you will never find the stability you need.

Losing yourself

Since time after time you do not find confirmation of your vision of reality from another person, you may lose confidence in the adequacy of your assessment. Doubts can even touch on personal experience, in the end you will completely lose your sense of reality.

Unclench the trap

If you are familiar with the signs described above and you are experiencing something similar right now, you urgently need to take measures to save yourself. First, try to stop listening to the other person and start paying attention to what your inner voice is saying. The number one challenge is to change the familiar communication patterns.

When you are in a relationship with an emotional abuser, you gradually internalize unhealthy attachment patterns. In order to survive, you have become accustomed to muffling yourself, listening only to what the other person says. Focus on your own voice, not someone else.

By changing your focus, you are more likely to encounter resistance from someone you listened to before. Don't let that bother you. Understand this - you still could never fully please this person, so you can stop trying. This is the third step - stop walking in the minefield. Just go for a walk. Just be authentic. Say what you want to say and do what you want. Losing control over you, the abuser will lose his temper and actively oppose you. After all, how dare you rebel?

It is important to realize that as soon as you started listening to yourself and not another person and stopped walking through the minefield, the narcissist feels like you have declared war. It seems strange that two such simple actions could be perceived as an act of attack - because in fact they are not. However, the narcissist will feel just that. He / she will panic over the loss of control over you. But this is the main value for a narcissist in a relationship.

To survive "hostilities", you must be in a place where you are not dependent on this person in any way emotionally, financially or physically. The narcissist will take revenge by taking away everything you value. As he loses power over you, he / she will frantically search for a new victim. You may have to pass the test of silence and ghosting, followed by a complete break. As a result, you will be "thrown". Remember this. The narcissist simply doesn't see other options.

Yes, this is crazy. Yes, that doesn't make sense for the average person who just wants a mutually satisfying love relationship. After all, you don't need control over other people to survive. The best thing you can do for your recovery from this madness is to save yourself. Take care of yourself. Go away. This is the final step.

Leaving is difficult, but what else can you do? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life fighting for your freedom? Is there value in a relationship where you can't be yourself?

Even if you do not physically withdraw from the relationship - say, you are married to this person or it is your parent and you are still connected to him due to circumstances - you need to be aware that this is stuck in the "breakup" stage. Don't lie to yourself. In this case, in order to remain yourself, you will have to mentally detach from the relationship. You will be doomed to lead a life in which your needs for intimacy with another person will never be met. Because the narcissist simply cannot satisfy them, especially on your terms.

Translation by Yana Tsyplakova

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