Table of contents:
- As a rule, after a divorce, children live with their mother, and the father must pay child support and from time to time may come to the child. At some point, he may face the fact that his visits are not very welcome
- The danger
- Nutrition and education
- Revenge and blackmail
- Ignoring and direct harm
- Requiring gratitude
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As a rule, after a divorce, children live with their mother, and the father must pay child support and from time to time may come to the child. At some point, he may face the fact that his visits are not very welcome
More than 60% of marriages in Russia end in divorce. In about half of the cases, the family has at least one child. Divorce in a family with children is carried out only through the courts. There is an opinion that judges are unfair to fathers; after a divorce, they prefer to leave the child with the mother. This is not entirely true. Babies are really more often left with their mother, but children over 10 years old are left with their father in 30–40% of cases.
The fact is that a man must express his desire for this, file an appropriate claim. 60% of such claims are satisfied by the court. Less than 5% of fathers file claims. Most do not object to the child living with the mother and are extremely unhappy when they find that the ex-wife is not enthusiastic about their visits or even opposes them. Why is this happening? Let's figure it out.
We will immediately put into a separate category of dangerous men: those who beat their wife and children are addicted to alcohol, drugs (including those who "tied up" because you never know at what moment a person will "untie"), and gamers. It should be noted that aggression is expressed not only in beatings.
Aggression is offensive messages in a messenger, it is statements humiliating a mother in front of a child, it is gossip behind her back in conversations with mutual friends and relatives
He blackmails, spies on his ex-wife; tries to ruin her reputation by spreading rumors in a professional environment; threatens to take the children away from her; without warning, picks up a child from school or kindergarten and takes away to no one knows where …
The child's father either does not pay alimony, or does everything to make official alimony look like a mouse's tears. If the payments are voluntary, each time a woman should remind about them, beg, argue and perform other ritual dances.
And the ex-husband will express dissatisfaction, reproach for extravagance, demand an account for each ruble spent and harass with remarks that she spends his hard earned money not on a child, but on herself. Surprisingly, many men in our country do not want to admit that alimony is their duty to their own child, and not rewarding their ex-wife for good behavior.
Appears when it suits him. He does not come when asked because he is uncomfortable. Arises on the doorstep late in the evening or when the child has classes in the section. He does not consider it necessary to learn or write down the child's schedule. If he is asked to warn about his visits, he gets annoyed. It is impossible to agree on anything with him in advance - from a walk in the park to a vacation.
I am ready to take a walk with the child only if the child is fed, washed, dressed and given out equipped for his arrival. After the walk he hands over the dirty child to the mother and immediately leaves. I am ready to take to the clinic, if the child is registered in advance, the appointment will be coordinated with the father's work schedule (he himself cannot call the clinic, he is too busy, and this is not his business at all), the child will be dressed and provided with a package of documents. If the clinic has to wait too long, he leaves and returns the child without a certificate or vaccinations, because he has no time.
Nutrition and education
Buys junk food for his son, such as a lot of chocolate, chips and cola. Buys food that the child is not allowed, for example due to allergies or other illness, because "well, he asked."
She says to her daughter: "Eat less, otherwise you will become fat", and considers this to be his contribution to the upbringing of the child. To the mother's requests not to do so, she objects that he cares about the girl's health.
He believes that the word given to the child is not quite real. Therefore, he promises to come and does not come; buy and not buy; and does not lead to a movie. The child is upset, offended, crying, and the father considers such behavior to be whims and manipulations, he can begin to scoff and release caustic comments.
He makes every effort not to give a concrete and understandable answer to the question, even if the question is direct and implies “yes” or “no” answers. Answers evasively, for example, "we'll see", "we'll figure it out", "how it goes". Pretends not to hear questions that he doesn't like. During the conversation, he turns his back, leaves the room.
At every opportunity, he makes the child understand that he is not so important now, because dad now has a new family and a new child has appeared in it. Therefore, dad cannot buy, help, come. Takes the child for the weekend, but does not spend time with him. He takes him to his grandmother (or even his new woman), and he leaves on business.
Coming to the child, he criticizes everything he sees. “Why haven't you washed your dishes? Why are things scattered? Your refrigerator stinks. What are these stupid clothes? How did you get a four? " Speaks pejoratively about the life and choice of the child's mother. “Do you knit for sale? I saw an ad at the entrance, we need a cleaning lady, better call them before it's too late. Seriously, good job, stable."
Revenge and blackmail
She regularly threatens: that she will sue and take the child away, that she will stop giving money, that she will “tell everything about her” to the child or a new man, that she will post her intimate photos to the network, and so on.
If the behavior of his ex-wife does not suit him (not polite enough, married another, found a good job, looks happy, etc.), he takes it out on the children. This is expressed both in small things ("I won't carry a 19-liter canister, that's who she fucks with, let him carry water for her"), and in more serious things ("Competition? You need him to go there, you pay ").
Constantly hints or even insists on having sex with his ex-wife. He brings champagne with sweets, persuades, they say, why are you breaking, not strangers. Having received a refusal, he insults, threatens, humiliates. Then he comes again as if nothing had happened and the cycle begins anew.
Ignoring and direct harm
Doesn't consider it necessary to postpone or change his plans even in an emergency. Will not take the child to the emergency room or hospital for procedures, will not come to support him after the operation.
If the child's mother gets sick or breaks her leg, she will refuse to take the child to school because he is uncomfortable. And in general, he has a lot of Very Important Things, more important than his own child. If such a Case arises, it immediately cancels communication with the child or plans built in a month or even six months. At the same time, she does not feel the slightest sense of guilt.
Holidays and achievements of the child are not significant for him. He forgets about birthdays, and if he remembers, he gives a symbolic amount or some kind of nonsense. He does not congratulate him on the New Year or on March 8, and there is not even a talk about winning competitions and competitions.
Suddenly disappears for weeks, months, even years. Doesn't transfer money, doesn't answer calls and messages. Then he appears, wants to see the child and is very indignant that the former is against it, and the child is not eager to communicate with his “favorite folder”.
The grown children borrows their pocket money and does not return it. Prohibits the child from traveling abroad. Takes away things, toys, clothes of the child to give to his child in a new family or to the child of his new woman. Left to sit for a couple of hours with the child, conducts an audit of the apartment and silently takes what he liked: good tools, a beautiful cup, an expensive book.
We must thank him for everything, for any action, especially for the alimony paid. On the forums, men write in plain text that they do not want to pay child support because they do not see, they do not feel gratitude. Moreover, a simple "thank you" is not enough for them, they need to beat them with their foreheads, and their feet dance. And no legs - no cartoons, that is, no gratitude - no money.
For some reason it does not occur to men that money and attention to a child is not a gift or charity, but a parental duty
Very often, fathers consider all additional spending on a child to be the whim of their ex-wife. More expensive quality medicines, visits to a speech therapist, a light polymer bandage instead of heavy plaster, a foreign language tutor, a good bike, fashionable sneakers, trips with a class on excursions and much more … That which improves, facilitates, beautifies the child's life, he believes “lordly manners "and unscrupulous siphoning of money. As an argument, he cites his childhood, in which there was nothing of this and “normal grew up”.
Many of these actions, taken in isolation, cannot be called grounds for depriving the father of the opportunity to see the child. Didn't answer the question, turned his back, wants gratitude - is this a crime? But the fact is that such an action is never one, it is always a combination that most often fits the definitions of passive aggression and manipulation.
Passive aggression is when a person clearly does not violate social and social norms, but his behavior very eloquently conveys his negative attitude. And psychological manipulation is the desire to change the perception or behavior of another person in a deceptive or violent way. In most of these cases, the person wants to have rights and control, but not have any responsibility
There is one very common belief that might be called the Good Dad Myth. The man is convinced that regardless of his behavior, the ex-wife should support this myth. Most often, she did this in marriage, telling the child: "Daddy has not forgotten, he is just tired", "Daddy is not angry, he just had a difficult day." Mom bought in advance birthday gifts and discreetly slipped them into her husband's hands.
Fathers like to say that the child treats them badly because the mother "tuned in." They refuse to accept that negative attitudes are a consequence of their own actions. They perfectly do all the work on "tuning" themselves. Men stubbornly refuse to understand that children notice a lot and understand that they feel pain and disappointment and are able to draw conclusions. Yes, they can remember for years how dad once betrayed, promising to take him on a fishing trip, and then “oh, well, I forgot, we'll go sometime later”.
Men may say that their ex-wives are not a gift either. And they manipulate, and deceive, and threaten. Nobody argues with this. But as long as a woman is 24/7 involved in a child's life, her position is extremely vulnerable. No wonder she tries to stay afloat in every possible way. Before you blame, carry her burden for at least a year.
It is the mother who has to deal with the damaging effects of paternal indifference, negligence, or sabotage. Calm down a crying child, treat allergies after eating "forbidden" items, buy new things to replace spoiled or "missing".
Mothers are forced to restore their child's self-esteem, day after day, month after month to answer the question "Why did dad do this?" on a chair in the hallway, because my father promised to come (and know that he most likely will not come) … And much, much more.
A woman will not mind a child's communication with his father if he behaves like a normal person. If he regularly and with pleasure spends time with the child, supports him, remembers important things for the child, pays child support accurately, you can count on his help, he is polite, adequate, and so on. After all, when the father is spending time with the child, the woman can simply relax. No mother in her mind will deprive herself of this opportunity, believe me.