"Not A Knight And Not A Princess At All" - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

Psychologist, author of "Our Psychology" Irina Solovieva decided to get to know men better and … registered on a dating site. What psychological types did she meet? How did the real and virtual communication go? The psychologist wrote about this in her stories

Male psychological portraits. Not a knight at all

Somewhere I once heard the theory that a man chooses a woman on a biological level, and a woman chooses a man on a psychological level. A man falls for a woman's body, and a woman falls for a model of behavior.

This does not mean that men necessarily like blondes 90-60-90 (although what kind of heterosexual guy doesn't like them). A man may like a woman with any appearance - but this is precisely the appearance. And not only about facial features, figure - but also about a smile, gestures, gait … About the smell, in the end, - about this most mysterious "smell of a woman" …

No matter how highly civilized and intelligent we are, you cannot argue against instincts. After all, if the male of some kind of butterfly can smell it from five kilometers away - why are our human men worse? A man falls on a woman, on her body - and that's all, even though the grass does not grow.

At the same time - what is most interesting - the final chosen one of a man in most cases is diametrically opposed to his original ideal

If he, like a true gentleman, prefers blondes, he will be blown off his head by a brunette. Loves brunettes - will love a blonde, will not go anywhere. A lover of curvaceous forms will get an anorexic woman, and an adherent of aristocratic thinness - a woman by Rubens or Kustodiev …

But a woman falls for a model of behavior. That is why a man conquers a woman. And - theoretically - any man can "talk" a woman if he gives out the correct model of behavior. Right for this woman … Sophia Loren lived her whole life in love and harmony with Carlo Ponti, who was by no means handsome. Well, at first he promoted her, was a producer, so to speak, - but then, already being Sophia Loren, she did not divorce him, she did not exchange for the best beauties, who in the cinema world to a heap … And it is she who owns the words "Best cosmetics for a woman - a successful marriage."

But with the "correct model of behavior" everything is complicated. What it is - the most interesting … In Akunin one of the characters, the Japanese Masa, gives advice to a young boy - how to seduce a woman. They say that all women are divided into two types: some are looking for a son in a man, others for a father. Therefore, one must behave accordingly - portraying either a weak son or a strong dad … Well, the character is comic, it is clear that “in reality everything is not as it really is,” but there is something in it.

Or maybe some kind of universal formula of behavior exists … Just like most men still react more likely to 90-60-90 …

Legends, fairy tales, myths about love are the same for all peoples. You can't argue against the Unconscious. The hero conquers the heroine, passing through many obstacles - thereby proving that his genes are worthy of passing them on to posterity. Natural selection. Enrichment of the gene pool …

Yes, a woman falls precisely on the model of a man's behavior - but this is at the genetic level. Higher education and erudition will not help here.

So, this is the theory. Men and women. Appearance and behavior.

And so I wanted to experiment - is it so? After all, a dating site is a wonderful field, endless space for experiments … What a sample! Thousands of different people - of different ages, with different levels of education, social status.

I looked through the profiles of other women and noticed: they are, in general, divided into two types. The first type - and there are most of such profiles - a good girl, looking for a serious relationship, but the photo is ordinary. Nice, but not very prominent against the general background.

And the second type of questionnaire - beautiful photos, a bright woman, but now she is looking for a "sponsor".

And I decided to compile these two options. Create a completely realistic profile - but not a standard one. I drew up the text of the questionnaire - about a serious relationship, without any "sex without obligations", but at the same time I took a very successful and erotic photo. At first I thought of downloading from the Internet, but it would be noticeable. So I took one of my photos, in which I seem to be like myself, but not quite. It is unlikely that someone would have thought to correlate this photograph and the real me. Therefore, I felt more or less safe. It seems that I - and not me.

That is - a beautiful erotic photograph and at the same time a lyrical text about the search for high and bright love, marriage, creating a family and having a child.

I wonder how the men will react to this? And - "a miracle happened."

A couple of people quite naturally wrote: they say, girl, you either need to change your profile, or a photo. Who is looking for a husband like that.

Naturally, "thirsty for carnal love" came. But there are enough such proposals even when there is a simple photo in the profile. So the number of such lovers of easy sex has simply increased.

The third category struck me. For this, in fact, the experiment was started. I was flooded with a stream of men eager for serious communication - from banal correspondence (people almost from Magadan, with whom, of course, the meeting will never take place) to love and marriage … It is clear that some of them could simply portray the seriousness of their intentions, playing along with the questionnaire. But - only a part. One of the proofs of the seriousness of intentions was the Knight.

We were the same age - 23. At the same time, he had the experience of a civil marriage that ended in nothing. His wife left him. In general, women threw him all the time. He was sincerely surprised: he seemed to be care itself.

He really was the very concern - but I also left him, never starting to date him … That is, he was a kind of Knight of the Sorrowful Image.

They say that we by ourselves cannot evoke feelings in another person. We can only help the ready-made feelings to break through. That is, to become a kind of triggering stimulus - or a trigger, whatever you like … A ready-made feeling must sit inside - and it will instantly burst out when a more or less suitable object appears. Or "projected" - in psychological terms …

I don’t know what kind of projections the Knight had, but in my photograph he saw something special. As he said, anyway. He realized that this was the girl of his life. That he must marry her, that is, me

He persuaded to transfer our communication to the mail agent and deleted his profile from the site - as a sign of seriousness of intentions. I called every night. At the first meeting, he declared his love. On the second date he asked me to get married.

Frankly speaking, I am afraid of such enthusiasts. And the stronger the impulse of such a young man - usually young people still behave this way - the more I doubt the strength of this feeling. "Strong but light" - as in the joke. That is, the feeling, of course, is strong - but today it is addressed to me, and tomorrow he will like another black-and-white girl sitting on the windowsill … Casanova was also a one-lover - he just saw this very Woman in every woman he met.

Each of us has some subtext behind love. The knight plunged, downright dived into his love for me - or rather, for the image of me - despite the fact that they parted with his wife just the other day. At least a month has not yet passed for sure, and after a divorce, a person leaves a year. As a psychotherapist friend of mine says, “you will live without this one spring, one summer, one autumn, one winter, and everything will pass.” The knight loved with everything, he loved desperately - but behind this was an elementary desire to be loved.

Unlike most of his peers, who were more focused on having fun, English fun in relationships, he really was aimed at the family. Therefore, his first wife appeared so early. But why she abandoned him, why other women abandoned him - he could not understand. Objectively speaking - not conflicted, caring, faithful, educated, well-read … If we move on to mercantile matters, then - own apartment, good job, prospects … And - personal life does not add up. He was puzzled.

At first I was perplexed with him. Then the puzzle came together …

His parents divorced when he was a child. The family broke up. This is why he is so desperate to start a family. In itself, the desire is laudable, but he is trying to start a family not like a grown man, ripe for family life. The despair of an abandoned boy screams in him. He is trying to create a family not from the position of an adult, but from the position of a child. Naturally, nothing happens. And if it works, then - not that.

In his search for the Woman, the loneliness of the child appears. So the Mammoth was looking for a mother in a kind children's cartoon. He wants to live with a woman, not because he wants to live with a woman, but because he cannot live alone. Psychologically, he cannot. He suffocates from loneliness and abandonment, although he himself does not understand this …

In reality, he has not matured into an adult relationship. And you cannot build a healthy family on the basis of immature relationships. A wonderful love story a la "Montague semi-final - Capulet" - all right, but a family - no need.

They say that mature love is when two people stand next to each other, touching, sometimes leaning on each other, then moving away, then approaching … But - not clinging to each other! This is no longer love, but some kind of addiction …

Remember the Ice Age Saber Tooth Squirrel? So, in my relationship with the Knight, I felt like an acorn or a nut - what was this Squirrel looking for so frantically?

And his immature love was demanding love, not giving. That is, outwardly it is giving, but in reality it is demanding: "So I will do you well now - and now you owe me!" One hand is holding out something - and the other at this time is already reaching out to take something for itself in return … The person seems to say: "I love you!" - but means: "Love me!"

The knight loved me very much. He loved just madly and bookishly - for two whole weeks, during which our communication lasted.

He was a Knight - what can I say. Which means that I was supposed to be his Beautiful Lady. Rather, the Princess. Yes, he called me that. But - even at the age of 13 I didn't want to be a princess, and even at 23 - all the more so …

I repeat again - he saw me for the first time on the windowsill, in an erotic photograph. But - I became a Princess for him and an object of downright admiration. He gave flowers and carried them in the literal sense of the word - carried them through the puddles, because it was autumn … And after that, do they say anything else about women's logic?

Having declared his love - and this happened on the very first date - he began to behave as if I owed him something after that. For all that, then I honestly told him in response that I was pleased to hear this and I was glad to have such an attitude towards myself, but I had not yet decided on my attitude towards him. In response, he said: "I'm not rushing you at all!" And then he began to rush: “Did you miss me? Do you like me?" The same questions were asked over and over again, and if their form changed a little, then the content was not.

At the same time, he made almost all the mistakes in communication that we can make in a love relationship. No wonder they say that our fears tend to come true. By giving in to them, we begin to attract them

The knight was afraid of being abandoned and rejected once again - as happened in his childhood, when his parents divorced, his mother married abroad, and he stayed to study in Moscow. At the same time, he did almost everything to be abandoned and rejected.

Thus, the Knight did not give me the right to life unrelated to him. I didn't understand that something might have nothing to do with him at all. To be honest, I just got tired of him pretty quickly. There was too much of it in my life, and the Knight perceived any attempts to defend my right to parts of life that were not related to him as rejection, that is, with pain and resentment. And it began to seem to me that I was a mother abandoning her child. For example, going abroad with a new husband …

Feeling like a cuckoo is quite painful, I must say. I already physically began to feel that I was suffocating in this relationship. And in order to finally start breathing normally again, I broke off our communication.

The knight, of course, is a pity. On the other hand - oh, I was dubious luck for him … The princess of me is not very much, let's face it. As the hero of my childhood, Ostap Bender, said, “I didn’t make a millionaire, I have to retrain as a house manager”.