Table of contents:

Why We Want To Appear Better Than We Are - Self-development
Why We Want To Appear Better Than We Are - Self-development

Video: Why We Want To Appear Better Than We Are - Self-development

Video: Why We Want To Appear Better Than We Are - Self-development
Video: The Dark Side of Self Improvement | Suzanne Eder | TEDxWilmington 2023, December

The answer to this question suggests itself - because it is important for us to be accepted, to be sympathetic to us. We want to please people, we want good relations with them. Stop! For people to want to communicate with us, do we have to seem better than we are? Is it really?

Perhaps we are so bad that no one will communicate with us, the way we are? So when we try to look better than we really are, we don't believe that we are good enough anyway.

Who do we want to appear beautiful to? Of course, to ourselves

We deceive ourselves in order to close our eyes to our own qualities, which we do not approve of. Every person has an idea of what qualities and feelings are "bad."

Only Bad People Conflict

Suppose one woman thinks that only bad people are angry. And she will try never to be angry with anyone. She will reproach and even scold herself every time she notices that she is angry with someone.

And if not only angry, but even began to sort things out? For example, with neighbors from the top floor, who flood it? Or will he not find out anything? Let them fill in!

But she's good. And if he goes to figure it out, the neighbors will not like it. And they may even blame her. (But they can! "I got used to the fact that educated people live above you, so you arrange scenes!")

So she's aggressive? And now she hates herself. Of course, feeling self-loathing is extremely unpleasant. Therefore, there are people who treat their anger differently. What are these neighbors doing, for example? Blame others when others are unhappy with them.

I am never angry

Imagine another woman who generally denies that she is sometimes angry. Other people will understand that this is happening to her. For example, when a teenage son gets a deuce. Imagine that she begins to scold her son. And the son, as happens with teenagers, begins to object. And she doesn't notice that she is angry. But he sees how more and more angry he is. He looks and thinks: “What an evil he is growing with us! He has hatred in his eyes! And who is he like? I don’t know how to get angry at all”.

It turns out that if you sincerely believe that you never get angry, it is very convenient in its own way. Another person turns out to be evil, and our heroine always feels “white and fluffy”

There are also people who believe that they never envy anyone. They never say stupid things. They are never afraid. Etc.

Why do we want to appear better than we are?

From a psychological point of view, the answer is simple. Because we consider ourselves worse than we really are. Because we always think that there are people more perfect than us. Because we cannot accept the fact that people are not perfect at all. Therefore, for us - if we are not perfect, then we are bad.

It is difficult to accept that a person can be good, although not perfect. It's a matter of self-esteem

It is usually believed that one needs to have high self-esteem, that many people need to raise it. But the most important thing is not even that; the main thing is that self-esteem is holistic and constant.

What does “holistic self-esteem” mean?

Suppose I know that I have qualities that I can like, for which I can be appreciated (for example, I can help). And there are other qualities due to which I am sometimes not a gift in communication (for example, I am stubborn). And all these qualities are mine. I am pleased with some of my actions. Or even proud. And sometimes it happens that I am unhappy with my actions.

I know that "I am beautiful" and "I am not quite beautiful" are one and the same person. A worthy man, mind you. Why is this self-image useful?

And here's what. Imagine that I don't have a holistic idea of who I am. Am I bad or am I good? Standing or worthless? And here the torment begins. Here I start to depend very much on what people say about me. Praised - good. Criticized - bad. I immediately begin to think so myself.

And then I will have to see myself only good all the time, so that other people will see me only good and valuable. This is why we try to appear better than we really are.

Needless to say, this does not always work? And that there is no person about whom everyone always speaks only well? And then self-esteem will constantly fluctuate. And we will spend a lot of effort so that it does not fall.

If self-esteem is constantly changing

But if you have a holistic self-esteem, everything comes out completely differently. Now I hear a remark. And I ask myself: is this fair? Maybe fair, maybe not. To be fair, I can regret what I did, or try to fix it, or ask for forgiveness.

It can be sad or hurtful. I may feel ashamed or guilty. But my self-esteem will not drop from this. I knew before that I was not perfect, but good enough. And it was and remained

And now I hear a compliment or a compliment. This can be very pleasant (especially if I am happy with myself.) Note: it is not self-esteem that rises from this! Satisfaction is felt, there is reason to rejoice. But that didn't make me better. I know that I have remained the same as before. I'm not perfect, but I'm good.

Sometimes I am pleased with myself and feel pleasant emotions, and sometimes not, and this is a reason for unpleasant emotions. But self-esteem does not "jump" from this.

Everything is somehow boring … Do you want to control your self-esteem? Create situations that will raise her, find people with whom communication feeds her. But this, you see, is unrealistic. Because everyone will never praise us, and all people will not compliment us (and they don’t have to).

Love us always and everyone will not love us either. We ourselves do not love everyone. This is not only unrealistic, in this case you believe that you are always at the mercy of other people. And self-esteem is constantly "jumping", and the person experiences additional stress. Not only were they offended, but also self-esteem fell.

“When my husband scolds me, I get worse,” my client says. I ask her: “Are you really getting worse than an hour ago? How do you get worse so quickly? " In response, only surprise, silence

Psychologist's recommendations

Do a simple exercise. Ask yourself, "What kind of person am I?" Try to name your qualities that you like and others that you like less. Your strengths and weaknesses. What can you do. What are you interested in. What do you like to do.

The better you know yourself, the more difficult it will be for anyone to suddenly “drop” your self-esteem. And you don’t have to be always on the alert to "not let her fall."

This exercise will not take long, but it can be very effective. After all, many people are not used to and are not ready to think about what they are.