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"Castrating Mother" - Monster Or Victim? - Sex, Society
"Castrating Mother" - Monster Or Victim? - Sex, Society

Video: "Castrating Mother" - Monster Or Victim? - Sex, Society

Video: "Castrating Mother" - Monster Or Victim? - Sex, Society
Video: (55) Tracy Hayes -- ‘Poe and His Monstrous Women’ 2023, June

In modern society, there is an opinion that there are simply no strong, "real" men. They are either extinct as a species, or have already been disassembled by other women. Psychologists point to the infantilism of men, their inability to cope with the adult role

Men refuse to take responsibility for relationships, are afraid to start families and become fathers, do not want to get acquainted and take the initiative in communicating with the opposite sex, in the end they are afraid to “take a member in hand” and use it for its intended purpose. It would seem that everything is obvious, and women have nothing to do with it. But it doesn't work that way. Let's see what is the role of women in the infantile behavior of men.

To do this, we need to trace the life of the "castrated" man from the very beginning.

The first woman to appear in a man's life is his mother. Mother-son contact lays down important patterns of behavior for the future man. The main task of the mother is to be “good enough” in relation to the child's needs. “A good enough mother” accepts all the emotions of the baby, knows how to restrain anger and irritation, can make mistakes, has her own personal life, creates conditions in which the child develops and acquires the necessary skills to adapt to the surrounding reality.

Three types of castrating mother

1. Passive-aggressive

A woman brings up her son alone. Presenting himself to the child as a fragile vase, the message - "I am vulnerable, it is easy to offend me, treat me with care, do not do what can upset mommy." In fact - “do only what I think is necessary and right. Everything else is silly pranks. Love your mother and obey her."

There is hidden aggression inside such a message, but it is presented in a soft wrapper. As they say, softly lay down, but hard to sleep … A boy with such a mother grows up with the attitude "a woman is a refined, fragile creature, she needs to create hothouse conditions." And to make the fragile vase comfortable with him, he unconsciously suppresses the man in himself. He is afraid to take the initiative, restrains his sexuality. Suppresses in itself its aggressive, masculine sexuality. That is why he finds himself a companion in the image put into it by his mother - a defenseless, little girl.

In such couples, women may have vaginismus or psychosexual developmental delays - have not grown to mature sexual women. Men - problems with male identity (feel and behave like small children) and sexual disorders such as anxiety disorder of sexual failure. This syndrome is based on the fear of castration.

2. Actively aggressive

There are both parents, the father is passive, has no right to vote. The mother is the head of the family, domineering, with a high level of aggression and anxiety. The woman is completely asexual, like a tank pushing those around with its will. Or her sexuality is more masculine, which happens when there was a strong conflict with her mother in childhood. In such a situation, the girl chooses her father to identify her sexuality, because her mother associates her with aggression and danger. What happens to a boy in such a family?

There are two options for developing a mother-son relationship:

In the first, the mother openly pours out hatred on the child, accusing him of “ruining her life, figure, career,” “it would be better if you were not born,” and so on. In order to survive, the child's psyche follows the path of the Stockholm syndrome - it is identified with the personality of the rapist - this makes it easier to justify the mother's behavior. That is, a boy, growing up, himself becomes a rapist, a sadist. He takes revenge on all the women in his life by acting out his childhood trauma.

When such men come to see a psychotherapist (and they unconsciously choose women), the specialist turns on a strong countertransference already at the first consultation. There is literally skin hatred on the part of such clients, because they are crammed with the anger of their mothers. In working with them, you have to withstand their strong negative feelings, which they project onto the therapist.

In the second variant, the boy's psyche is not identified with the figure of the mother, and then he feels and behaves like a “chronically raped” person. There is no aggression in it, it is blocked. But it was aggression that would help him free himself from his mother's pathological inheritance.

A 40-year-old man complained of psychosomatic stomach pains. According to the results of multiple examinations, there was no real cause for pain. Before consulting a psychotherapist, he received medication from a psychiatrist. While I was drinking the drugs, there was no pain, as soon as I reduced the dose, the pain returned. During the work, it turned out that he lives with his mother. There is a woman with whom he spends the weekend and could move in with her, but my mother is against it. It happened so, because mom is comfortable that her son is nearby, gives her salary, helps around the house, spends time with her. Mother herself stated that the son is not a modern person, there is no aggression in him at all.

After a number of consultations, the man began to talk about his childhood and relationship with his mother. About her aggression towards her husband (his father) and the patient himself. That is, there is no man in this man, there is a little boy, intimidated and castrated by his mother. Aggression and anger are necessary for a person to defend himself. When the instinct of self-preservation is not worked out, a person does not know how to stand up for himself, there can be no talk of any healthy sexuality.

3. Active-passive (mixed type)

It is more difficult for a child to recognize the mother's implicit aggression. When aggression is clothed in care, overprotection, anxiety about the health of the son and his safety. The mother creates a cocoon in which, like a spider (a spider, by the way, is the archetype of a mother), she nurses her child and at the same time plunges into her reality, entwining her destructive beliefs with a sticky web. She "strangles" him with her care, not allowing the child to create his own, different from her inner world. The mother does not allow him to become a man. For her, he is always in her fantasies - a little boy, her son, who will be with her until the end of her days.

There are other varieties and types of castrating mothers. But all of them are united by the fact that they are terribly afraid of their children growing up. Because they are not ready to accept adult male sexuality, they are afraid of it. If it were otherwise, they would be building relationships with their husbands, and they build relationships with their children, preventing them from growing up. At the same time, the husband is pushed into the background or in general he is "left" from home. Growing up, such men find themselves castrating wives. Castrating wives continue the work of their mothers, the scenario closes.

The couple, together for 10 years, have children. The initiator of the appeal is the spouse. Their problem is defined as "my husband does not sleep with me." At the reception, she mostly speaks, her husband sits indifferently nearby, the therapist barely has time to insert a word. Suspects her husband of infidelity, accuses her of coldness and indifference to her. The husband, under pressure from his wife, admits that he is not attracted to her. The spouse insists that "the therapist does something to her husband."

In the course of work with her husband, it turns out that the spouse is active and aggressive, does not leave him personal space, constantly controls him. In order to control his behavior, she insisted on working as his personal secretary in his firm. Before subordinates devalues him as a leader. He enters important meetings without an invitation from her husband-boss. The team considers her to be the head of the company. The husband does not know how to resist the aggressive attacks of his wife. He is in an anxious-depressive state, which reduces his attraction to his wife. Afraid to come into intimacy with her, prefers masturbation.

The list of examples goes on. And although it might seem to an inexperienced reader that castrating women are like monsters, they are not. First of all, these are little girls who were also castrated, hated, controlled and not accepted. Little girls who are afraid of grown men and do not know how to love. It is difficult for them to be at peace with themselves, it is difficult for them to accept their personality. Because their psyche was once crippled by their parents.

A person always treats others the way they once treated him. Feeling fear of real close communication with a man and wanting to control him, what do these women really want? They want security for themselves because they believe that if the man does not control them, he becomes potentially dangerous. Fear of pain are echoes of childhood traumatic events. Something these little girls couldn't control. Avoiding pain is their real goal. They don't understand that control is just an illusion of security.

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