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Separation: A Parent's View - Society
Separation: A Parent's View - Society

In every family there comes a time when it is time for a child to leave his parents. Are the parents themselves ready for this?

Many view separation as a process in which children take an active role, separating from their parents. They become independent and adult individuals, independent of their parents. Of course, this step requires a lot of courage, determination and own maturity, since every person has a desire to follow his own path with the difference in how and in what capacity everyone decides to do it.

If we consider the process of separation from the point of view of psychoanalysis, the formation of a healthy personality ends with the establishment of boundaries and the difference between sexes and generations as a result of the successful passage of the Oedipus conflict in the child. The child separates from his parents and looks for an object similar to the primary one (mom or dad, depending on the child's gender) in the outside world.

Many books, articles and practical recommendations for adolescents have been written on the topic of separating a child from their parents on how to properly separate from their “ancestors” in order to gain independence and their own life. I would look at this process from a different angle, namely from the parents' side, because it is not enough for a child to declare himself and to separate. It is also important for parents to understand that the time has come to release the child into "adult life" and not to create obstacles for his approval in life. And yes, this also requires a lot of inner strength and courage, especially for mothers, since letting an important part of oneself go outside is a rather painful decision.

If we talk about the separation process as such, both parties must be ready for it: both the parent and the child. But let's not forget that only a healthy parent can raise a healthy child. In this case, this process will be painful, but rather smooth, and all participants in the process will fulfill their functions.

If we talk about various disorders or borderline / psychotic personality organization, then problems begin. And these problems consist at least in the child's inability to separate for understandable reasons (for example, symbiosis) and for the same reasons on the part of the parents.

Become the daughter of your own mother

Let's take a special case in which it would be easy for us to analyze this process and the problem faced by the child and the parent. And we also keep in mind the peculiarities of our mentality, according to which everything in our psyche happens “as if normally”, but not always in a healthy way.

The young woman got married, having left the house where she lived with her mother. She and her husband rented an apartment in which they lived peacefully. But in the family there was a financial crisis, and in order to save money, it was decided to move to the mother while the search for an affordable housing option was underway. The woman's mother received her daughter and son-in-law rather cordially, allocated a room. But from that moment on, a nightmare began for a married couple, testifying to the immaturity of the mother of our heroine.

In everyday life, she showed herself rather aggressively, in every possible way violated the boundaries: starting from opening the doors of the room where the married couple stayed, at the most inconvenient moments, ending with blackmailing her daughter in the best traditions of Mexican TV shows, saying something like: “I will die if you move out …”What can you say about the mother and daughter in this situation?

Definitely, the mother did not completely let go of her own daughter, and she is trying in every possible way to win the attention of her daughter. But this is not the mother's behavior, but the behavior of the child experiencing separation anxiety.

The mother of our heroine found her own mother in her and tried to make her her "support". When she did not find support in her daughter, for her the world became hostile, angry and threatened the destruction of the poor woman. It was in the violation of boundaries and the desire to be the third in the relationship of spouses, as if reliving an Oedipus conflict, that she tried to defend herself from the "terrible, absorbing world", showing the behavior of a little girl and striving to merge with her daughter and her husband into a single whole.

Psychological analysis of the situation

An immature and regressive mother and a returning child who have not completely separated from each other. Unfortunately, such a mother will never let her own child go, because, in addition to separation anxiety and fear of loneliness, there is also her infantilism. On the part of our heroine, the final separation is also impossible, since she will be hindered by the feeling of guilt towards the “little and unreasonable” mother.

Jealous of my son's girls

Another example: a provincial town, a man in the prime of his life leaves his mother for a large city in order to build his own life. After several months of trying to make money, organize his own life on his own, he gives up and comes back. At the same time, realizing that he suffered a complete fiasco, he repeats to everyone that he lives "with his mother" and not "with his mother."

The mother of this man is rather tough, of a traditional warehouse, as a result, she made a service unit out of her son to serve her own interests. Moreover, she in every possible way prevents the establishment of his personal life, jealous of him for every passion he meets.

Psychological analysis of the situation

What happened as a result of these events? The man lost his identity, became a "husband" for his mother, abandoning the search for an object outside, and therefore, his own development. The mother did not let go, the son did not resist.

The topic of separation is quite extensive and deep, but, one way or another, there are examples that clearly demonstrate successful and not very successful cases of separation of a child from a parent. The most important thing is to remember that it is important for a parent not to miss the moment when his child is ripe, and to let him go. Otherwise, there is a risk for children not only to remain unrealized in life, an undergrowth, but also to remain in a "marital" or "service" relationship with their own mother, which means a complete degradation of their own mental development and stuck, at best, in adolescence.

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