Fairy Tales Of A Happy Marriage. Three Misconceptions That Prevent Us From Living - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

“There is nothing good or bad in this world. There is only our attitude to something. " Shakespeare noted an important point, which is one of the fundamental in the cognitive approach: the perception of any object or event is assessed using thinking. Our ideas, what we believe, what we think, is our reality

Some of the misconceptions we have learned from our parents, through social interaction, through literature and cinema, can seriously harm our relationship. And here we just need critical thinking.

There are many myths about marriage. We can easily find this or that dysfunctional attitude in ourselves. It may be the belief that in truly happy families you don't have to work on relationships. Or the fantasy that a truly loving person himself, without explanation, must know what his partner feels and wants.

Another fairly common option is "in a happy marriage I would not have to adjust, and if every now and then I have to make concessions, then everything is not as good as I deserve."

Myth # 1: In a happy marriage, you don't have to work on relationships

It all starts in childhood, when we perceive everything that the world around us brings us as it is, without critical reflection. We listen, and then we read the fairy tales themselves, in which the happy finding of each other by the heroes ends in a wedding. As if the main trials, difficulties, problems await only on the way to marriage, and after that comes such complete happiness that there is nothing more to talk about.

Fiction, romantic films with happy endings, as we grow up, only assert us in the attitude that troubles and problems come from the outside and that it is worth overcoming them - an absolute idyll will come.

Therefore, many people have unrealistic expectations of marriage. They assume that once created, the union will function perfectly on its own, without any additional input from the partners.

By focusing on the daily chores, they bravely fight the adversity that life brings. And for example, car maintenance or house cleaning becomes more important than maintaining close relationships.

It would seem obvious that humans are more complex than machines. Besides the physical body, we have feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams. When the two decide to pair up, their unusually complex inner worlds form a common, even more complex …

The decision of two people to be together is not an end goal, but an endless process, a choice that we make every day. The stamp in the passport does not cement the relationship at the time of the marriage. Unfortunately, romance won't automatically continue after the wedding

Take the time and energy to maintain and develop your relationship after marriage, so you can continue to enjoy love, intimacy and passion now and in the future. To do this, each of you will have to make a daily conscious decision to create and maintain a fulfilling marriage that will last the rest of your life.

Myth # 2: a partner should know without explanation how I feel and what I want

“He needs to know what I want. If I tell him myself, it’s not that at all,”Olga thinks about her husband. She believes that he should feel when she wants to be together, talk, cuddle, and when it is better to leave her alone. He has to guess what kind of present she wants for her birthday. He needs to know what turns her on sexually. She wonders how he can be so inconsiderate, but doesn't say a word.

In fact, the only people who can satisfy their needs without saying a word are babies. The parent learns to read the prompts of his child, to read the signals "I'm hungry", "I'm tired" or "I'm uncomfortable, it's time to change the diaper." An attentive person understands what body movements and facial expressions of the child say "I'm afraid", "I'm happy" and "I want it."

People who can read minds live in fairy tales and romantic films. Only there lovers can guess without further ado which kiss is most pleasant, which caresses will be appropriate, which words and actions are needed right now. Does this happen in real life? Very, very rare. Even in the best marriages

Of course, loving and caring partners are quite fine-tuned to each other, but don't expect miracles. Even the most attentive and intuitive spouse cannot read minds. Regrettably, you also do not have such a superpower. The best way to help your partner understand you is to be clear on your mind, kindly and respectfully.

Allowing yourself to talk openly and delicately about your desires and needs is difficult, especially if you had to hide them from “significant adults” as a child. However, relationships in which one can speak openly and sincerely about everything are much more resourceful and harmonious. It's never too late to catch up, and therapy can help. As you practice positive communication skills, you will feel more and more comfortable.

Myth number 3: if I have to make concessions every now and then, then everything is not as good as I deserve

Perfect partners without flaws exist only in the world of "pink ponies". If there is a certain ideal image in your ideas, any discrepancy between your spouse can cause disappointment. It may even seem that your partner is not "the same", and that you are worthy of someone better. In real life, all people have flaws. Yes, you too.

Get out of the fantasy land and try to focus on your partner's positive qualities. Ask yourself, looking at the big picture, how critical this or that "flaw" of your spouse is

For example, you might have a kind, responsible, and generous husband. He has a great sense of humor, or something else that you really appreciate about him. However, he is a terrible couch potato, and on weekends you cannot persuade him to go to the cinema, to the exhibition, or just take a walk. He says that he gets terribly tired during the week and he absolutely does not want to drag around somewhere, to hustle among people, and he can watch a movie at home.

Is it really better to maintain harmony in the family to inflame your irritation on this "passive bumpkin" and complain that your life with him is a dreary swamp?

Or, for example, the wife is constantly late. At the same time, she is incredibly cheerful, spontaneous and loves you very much. Of course, you can wind yourself up by repeating that you deserve better treatment. If she really loved you, she would not be late, knowing that it annoys you so much.

Maybe try to let go of unrealistic expectations? Go to the movies with your friends or sit down next to your husband and together choose a movie of your liking. Accept your wife's lateness, if being on time is not so important, or warn in advance that this time being punctual is really important.

Try to negotiate. Do not lose sight of your partner's strengths, consider and forgive weaknesses and limitations, and ask your spouse to do the same for you. Try to shift your focus away from your partner's shortcomings and your dissatisfaction with them to what is really important and necessary for both of you

It's important to note that we are talking about a relatively healthy relationship that is based on mutual love and respect. Concessions and compromises are a good tool to maintain and develop. But if there is a place for physical or emotional abuse in your relationship, you are insulted, humiliated, this is not the best option for you. No one should adjust to such circumstances and stay in such a relationship. Seek psychological advice, a competent specialist in codependent behavior will help you deal with this problem with the least amount of loss.

If your relationship is mostly healthy and based on respect, try to focus not on what is best, but on wanting harmony and happiness for yourself and your partner. Live in the real world, even though it's not perfect. This way you can get the most out of what your life really is.