Let's Talk Heart To Heart. What Hinders Deep Communication - Relations

It is important to be able to communicate with each other to create and maintain trusting relationships. It's not just about discussing everyday events. Rather - about the importance of talking about feelings, needs, problems and difficulties that arise in the relationship itself or in one way or another concerning them. What is preventing deep communication?

Practice of dialogue

Social politeness in everyday communication teaches us to camouflage our true feelings. And to the question "How are you?" more often than not, we automatically give the answer: "Everything is fine." Indeed, with a formal expression of interest in our life, almost no one expects a sincere story about experiences, feelings and thoughts. Unfortunately, this communication style, which works well with the “far-off circle,” can be detrimental to intimate relationships.

Remember all those cases when your partner, drawing attention to your changed mood, asked what happened, and you reacted with the usual “nothing”. It's great if at this moment everything is really good and the answer was not automatic, but sincere. Unfortunately, this is more often than not a dissociative way to hide true experiences and avoid deeper discussion. And this is what puts close relationships at risk.

If open and honest conversations in a couple most often occur in the most difficult crisis circumstances or under the influence of strong emotions, when the "cup of patience" is overflowing, then frank communication by both partners, in principle, can be perceived as something threatening, dangerous for the relationship

A deeper connection and contact can arise only if from the very beginning of rapprochement in a couple, the practice of regular sincere discussion of the feelings, experiences and ideas of each is established. Such couples go through crisis stages in a relationship less painfully and with less losses and cope better with solving difficult issues as they arise.

How to establish sincere and open communication and what prevents it?

Get to know yourself

In close relationships, there may be a fear to express the whole truth about doubts, experiences and not always pleasant feelings and to hear the same from a partner in return. The most difficult task is to build such a dialogue without falling into guilt, shame, self-defense, without getting hurt or offended. This will take a lot of collaborative practice and deliberate relationship work.

It's great if you manage to learn this communication at the earliest stages of courtship. However, it's never too late to decide to try to start talking to each other more openly, even if you've been together for many years.

Each will need to do a thorough self-inquiry and make a lot of effort to raise awareness. After all, the better you understand yourself, understand your feelings, fears, limitations and reactions, the easier it will be for you to face them and experience them during deep conversations with loved ones.

Don't hurt

Do not forget that each of us has our own "pain points", the discussion and even mention of which is especially sensitive. This can include physical appearance, weight, education, faith, financial status, political views, and more.

Close people are usually well aware of which issues cause the most acute reaction of the partner. But they often inadvertently touch them in communication, which inevitably causes a defensive reaction. And they exclude the possibility of an open and deep dialogue.

Try to be more attentive and gentle to the pain points of a loved one

Listen and hear

If partners interrupt each other every now and then, are distracted, upset and unable to concentrate, sincere and frank conversation will not work. Set aside a special time for socializing - with a glass of wine or a cup of tea after dinner, during an evening walk together - or just try to retire an hour before bed. Not for watching TV or exploring social networks, but in order to discuss your feelings, joys, experiences, fears, doubts, anxieties in a sincere and frank conversation. Such a ritual can help strengthen your relationship and deepen your connection.

I am ok, you are ok

When couples start having a frank conversation, they often engage in an argument. Instead of looking for a path to rapprochement, they rush to take over at all costs. If a partner asserts himself, strives for "victory" at any cost, hurting, condemning and blaming the other, and proof of righteousness becomes more important than peace in a relationship, this is not sincere communication, this is a show of strength.

The question should not be on the plane “Who will win?”. Of course, you cannot always agree with each other in everything. One of the benefits of having regular conversations is discovering that it's okay to disagree. Finding that you are different, that your views are different, but that you can openly and honestly discuss it, is the best foundation for intimacy in a relationship.

Healthy confrontation between two unique personalities with their own boundaries and opinions is quite appropriate and even better for a relationship than a learned agreement with everything that the other person says

When discussing emotionally charged topics, try to be more open, ready to listen and hear opposing opinions. Develop empathy by imagining that your partner is you. Try to take his place and consider the topic under discussion from his point of view.

Not only about the bad

The silence of problematic topics and the constant avoidance of sharp corners in communication in the past often leads to the fact that, having decided on frank conversations, the couple opens the "Pandora's box". Complex topics, complaints, discontent appear on the surface, and it may seem that there is only bad in a relationship.

Try to deliberately dilute the problematic issues with something pleasant, which is also undoubtedly part of your overall story

For example, share with your partner the best memories from your shared past, focusing not on facts, but on the emotions they evoke in you. Discuss your dreams, fantasies, ideas about the present and the future. “I always wanted to…” is a great start for new ideas, discoveries and exciting changes in your life together.