"Little Death". What Is Codependency - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

Parting is a painful experience. We are overcome by mixed feelings: sadness, fear, helplessness, and even anger. It is perfectly normal to grieve the loss of a relationship. Over time, relief comes, we recover and are ready to open a new page. But some people seem to get stuck in relationships

"Stuck" are frantically trying to hold on to the relationship or refuse to accept the breakup. It can be difficult for them to move on, even if they were unhappy and suffering before the breakup. According to the famous psychologist Polina Gaverdovskaya, "codependency is when we feel bad in a relationship, but we still remain in it."

People who are prone to codependent relationships are practically unable to withstand toxic partners. They often remain in dysfunctional relationships in which there is no hope of meeting their love and support needs, even when they are in emotional or physical pain.

In addition, it is very typical for codependents to strive to change a partner, the hope that the behavior and feelings of a loved one can be influenced. They don’t give up and don’t agree to admit that the relationship is falling apart. And they are also very afraid of being alone.

Are you prone to codependency? Here are some signs that you may be a codependent person:

• When the relationship is threatened, you fall into despair or panic, as if something unbearable is happening.
• Over and over again you justify your partner, reconcile in a relationship with something that you think is wrong and with which you do not agree at heart.
• You feel like the relationship will fall apart if you don't put in a lot of effort.
• You are in control of your emotions most of the time.
• You feel a little doomed, as if you are "stuck" in a relationship.
• You believe that if your partner changes, your relationship will be perfect.
• You put your partner's needs, interests, ideas, thoughts above yours.

After the break:

• You continue to write, call, contact your ex.
• Collect information about your ex in social networks, ask mutual friends. You continue to be painfully jealous of your ex.
• Constantly return your thoughts to your ex, worry about him / her.
• You try to analyze the failed relationship as best as possible, think over what and how should have been done differently. Return to these reflections over and over again.
• Fantasize about being together again, or only think about the good sides of your past relationship.
• You deliberately find yourself in difficult situations to get the attention of your ex.
• You can't refuse when your ex addresses you. Choose to agree rather than follow your plans.

Why is it so difficult for codependents to end a relationship in which they are obviously ill? Why can't they deal with parting with a partner who was clearly not able to meet their needs for so long?

Parting literally opens the "Pandora's box" and causes a whole range of difficult-to-bear sensations. As a codependent, we may experience shame, loneliness, rejection, inferiority, worthlessness after a breakup. Self-esteem, self-confidence as an attractive, interesting person suffers. We may be tormented by the memories of being rejected and rejected in the past. Added to this is a strong fear of not finding another partner and being left alone forever. Codependent patterns affect our tendency to hold on to relationships at all costs, even if they are dysfunctional and the partner is toxic.

Please everyone

Trying to please everyone, we often lose ourselves. As a result, we ourselves forget who we really are, adjusting to the tastes and needs of others.

Having found a relationship, the codependent seems to be building his personality out of the “cubes” of a loved one in order to best meet his expectations. You neglect your hobbies, goals, friends and focus on what is important to your partner.

As a result, it is difficult for a person to feel whole alone. When the relationship ends (or everything goes to that), he literally lost the meaning of life. He seems to be losing part of himself and has no idea what to do next.

Sorry for nothing

Self-esteem of a codependent person, as a rule, is based on a sense of need and importance. Caring for others and serving loved ones becomes something meaningful, supportive. That is why in a relationship the needs of the partner are put above their own, and after parting, any request from the former is so readily fulfilled. The very fact that someone needs you and you can be helpful gives you a sense of satisfaction. Feeling worthless, on the contrary, undermines self-esteem and causes painful experiences.

Without Borders

Because of weak boundaries, codependents believe they are responsible for the feelings, well-being, and choices of others. These rescuers strive to help others avoid trouble and discomfort. They feel terrible when their help is unclaimed and even unwanted.

A codependent person does not distinguish well where whose responsibility is, as if he is responsible for everything that happens in the world. A failed relationship or breakup is also perceived by him as a personal defeat. Something he couldn't handle. This, in turn, gives him toxic shame and heavy feelings of guilt.

In the eye of the beholder

As codependents, we are in dire need of external evaluation. As if only someone else can authoritatively declare our value. To feel attractive, worthy, worthy of love, we hold onto relationships. Even if they are unhealthy.

We need someone to calm our deep-seated fears of being unattractive and unwelcome. This is why it is so difficult to get out of a relationship or stay single. Without external confirmation, we feel inadequate, inadequate, and unattractive.

Stuck

Obsessiveness, stickiness, stuffiness are qualities inherent in relationships with a codependent person. He is so immersed in what the partner is doing and feeling that it is difficult for him to separate himself emotionally and detach himself a little to allow the other to make his own decisions.

Such a person spends a lot of time worrying about others, trying to solve their problems, or simply thinking about them. After the breakup, nothing changes. The ex-partner is still perceived as an integral part to take care of and to be responsible for.

It is very difficult for codependent people who are trying to please, obsessively caring, boundless, and needing external evaluation to get rid of their painful attachment. Take the time and energy to get to know yourself, your feelings, desires, and needs.