Don't Let Go And Don't Give Up! Anti-Guidance For Parents - Society

This is the third article in the series "The Anti-Leadership of Psychologist Ilya Shabshin". The first was devoted to marital disputes, the second - to problems in intimate life.

I hope the non-standard presentation of the material will help the reader to extract and remember the most important. I am sure that an attentive reader will correctly "decipher" all the provocative ideas and advice of the author

All the best for children

We, parents, want only the best for our children, and it is we, parents, who know exactly what is best for our children. It doesn't matter that the child can show some abilities: he is still small, he does not understand what he really needs.

For example, a child loves to draw - but it is clear that he will not become either Levitan or Kuindzhi, and you will not earn much as a drawing teacher at school. Therefore, it is better to focus not on the natural inclinations of the child, but on parental preferences and force him to engage in those areas that, in the parents' opinion, will provide material prosperity in the future.

Another great criterion for choosing an activity for a child is a parent's unfulfilled dream. For example, my mother wanted to sing on stage, but it didn't work out - so let's make our childhood dream come true through a child. True, he may not have natural data for this, such as voice and hearing, and in general he may not like speaking in front of the public, but reading books or collecting models of ships, but these little things should not stop a loving parent from wanting to do good.

Mom will write correctly

When it comes to studying at school, the most important thing here is grades.

Parents, mothers first of all! If you see that the child is in difficulty, do not prolong his torment - do the difficult tasks yourself. Just think how wonderful it is when your child comes to class and shows the teacher and the whole class a magnificently designed essay. The child will be praised, given an "A", you can proudly tell your mother, hairdresser, manicurist, neighbor, saleswoman and everyone, everyone, everyone.

And the fact that with this approach the child does not learn to overcome difficulties, does not train the skills of independent work - it doesn't matter; there will still be many problems in his life, life itself will teach everything.

Of course, so that the child does not become conceited, he must be told that he is a lazy and a bum, a mediocre and stupid. It is very motivating, yes.

In an ideal situation, there is an anxiously caring mother and a stern, critical father. Then, in general, everything is fine: the mother does his homework for the child, he has only "fives" in his diary, and the father scolds him for passivity, insecurity, lack of independence. If in this situation the child remains mentally healthy, then in this life he will not disappear.

There is never too much control

The main thought that parents need to keep in mind about their child is "No matter how it turns out!" Therefore, it is necessary to know everything about a child's life. The end is known to justify the means. Do not hesitate to read the personal diary of your son or daughter, especially if he (she) hides it, read mail, pages on social networks, correspondence on his (her) mobile phone.

The older your child gets, the more he needs your control. When a teenager asks for permission to go to a meeting with friends, you must have complete information: what, where, when, with whom, why, before what time. As they say, trust, but check: stop by without warning for the child and find out if he told you the truth.

Tough times for parents come when a daughter or son starts dating. Try not to let your child out of the box. Ideally - for peace of mind - such meetings would be canceled. Say that you are not feeling well; Make it clear that you are counting on sympathy and help.

If this did not work, do not despair, all is not lost yet. You can call your son or daughter and say that you are worried and it is time to return home to mom. In response to a refusal, reproach the child for callousness and ingratitude. And when he comes home, let him see the scene of your suffering. Make a tragic expression, drip Corvalol for yourself, measure your blood pressure and take a deep breath. Believe me, next time he will think seven times whether he needs all these dates and who is more important to him: his own mother or a stranger.

Even if your child has already become so adult and independent that he lives separately, this does not mean, of course, that you should take less care of him. Call as often as possible, ask more questions, give advice. Take an example from a wonderful mother who demanded that her son send her a photo of what he eats for breakfast. The main thing is to keep in mind the image of your son or daughter at the age of 10, even if he or she is already over 20.

No room for error

Sometimes people get married. This can happen to your blood. Don't panic! Obviously, you have much more life experience than his chosen one. Therefore, feel free to participate in the life of a young family. Come without warning, explain what is going wrong, take the initiative into your own hands.

Here's a good example to follow. When the newlyweds left for the sea, the son's mother, who had the key to their apartment, changed the curtains, a chandelier and a shoe cabinet for them. The fact that they did not appreciate their mother's care speaks of their immaturity and lack of understanding of their happiness. Be sure you are on the right track.

When a couple has a child, try to point out mistakes to an inexperienced mother more often, persistently offer recommendations based on your personal experience. In case of disagreement with your daughter-in-law, complain to your son: let him often choose which side to take.

It is advisable that you express your dissatisfaction during each call. Than? For example, by the fact that the son or daughter rarely calls, or the fact that he talks little, or the fact that he asks little about you, or the fact that he speaks in the wrong tone - to continue? Do not forget to point out what the “child” is doing wrong, that is, not in the right way, in your opinion.

When asked to sit with your grandchild, use the opportunity to influence him according to your beliefs. If, for example, it seems to you that the parents are treating the baby too harshly, then give him complete freedom, pamper him and do not refuse anything. Answer the parents' claims that you have more experience and you know better how to raise small children.

Even if you follow all these wise guidelines, tense moments and even quarrels can arise between you and your adult child. Of course, you should not take the initiative and offer to make up, much less apologize. You deserve to be treated with respect, so don't take the first step forward. You may even reject the first attempts to improve relations from the other side. This will strengthen your positive image and positively affect your relationships in the future.