Les Miserables. How To Survive Rejection - Relationships, Society

Each of us has at least once in our life experienced a painful experience of rejection. For example, you didn't get a job you wanted, or you weren't invited to a friendly party. Or maybe a new acquaintance suddenly stopped answering calls

The satisfaction of many of our desires and needs depends on other people and their willingness to help us. Sooner or later, we all face refusals, sometimes we are excluded, not accepted or disapproved by others.

An extremely unpleasant experience of rejection signals that something important that we need cannot be received. At such moments, we can experience a whole cocktail of emotions - shame, guilt, sadness, anger, anger, disappointment, despair, helplessness.

No matter how hard we try, we will not be able to completely avoid rejections and the associated painful experiences. Fortunately, we can learn to deal with it and not take it so personally.

Originally from childhood

What we experience when faced with rejection in adulthood largely depends on our past experience, on our beliefs, attitudes that have been formed throughout our conscious life. In the end, often rejection is not at all equal to rejection and in itself does not say anything about our value, importance in general. The addressee of the request may simply not have what we want or be himself in a shortage of resources - time, health, energy, money.

A sharp reaction to any refusal can serve as a reason to think about what exactly knocks you out of the rut every time. Before embarking on new approaches and techniques for dealing with actual experiences, it is helpful to research your personal history of rejection. Do childhood attitudes affect how you perceive rejection now?

Try to remember if you had to deal with something like this in childhood and adolescence:

• You were teased, you were the victim of bullying, bullying at school.
• You were ashamed for letting the team down, despite the fact that you tried very hard.
• You were not accepted into the company. You had no one to hang out with, have lunch or go home after school.
• You were boycotted.
• In the game, you were always called last.
• The teacher in front of everyone shamed you for your poor lesson preparation.
• You have not entered your chosen college, institute, university.
• You were deceived, betrayed by a friend, girlfriend.
• You were thrown, you were cheated on.
• The friend preferred another company and left you.

Family problems can also have a critical impact on how you deal with rejection as an adult:

• You were criticized, called names, told that you are not good enough.
• Physical violence was used in the family.
• You were left alone for a long time at home or outside.
• Are you a foster child or you know that you are an adopted child. Even if the foster family is loving and supportive.
• Your parents did not share your interests or support you in your hobbies. For example, they did not come to performances, competitions, award ceremonies, etc.
• Your parents ignored you.
• Devaluated your feelings, thoughts, beliefs.
• Parents showed more attention, care, love to your brother / sister.
• You were sent to live with relatives or threatened with this, calling you a "problem", difficult child.
• They emphasized that you do not have the abilities and talent, forced to leave your hobbies and dreams because of this.
• Showed disapproval of your sexual orientation or gender identity.

The more often these rejection episodes happened and the younger you were when faced with them, the more impact it had on you. In childhood, self-esteem and self-images are just being formed, and negative evaluations from significant adults lead to devastating consequences. “My eyes wouldn’t see you”, “why am I such a burden”, “that you are disagreeable like a girl, the boys don’t cry”, “all children are normal, you alone are unfinished”, “look at yourself, a scarecrow”, "Spineless", "mediocre".

Due to the fact that in childhood we have insufficiently formed skills of critical reflection and very little life experience, such messages can be taken on faith unconditionally. Sometimes it doesn't take words.

Cold, ignorant, overly strict, distant, unemotional parents by their behavior can contribute to the formation of a distorted self-image in the child. He generally begins to perceive himself as unworthy of attention, love, care, someone completely inadequate, inappropriate. And carries such an idea of himself throughout his life

When we repeatedly encounter rejection in childhood, we unconsciously acquire the belief that the reasons for rejection are in ourselves, since we are sincerely convinced that we are unworthy of another treatment. Each subsequent refusal further confirms us in this. And with fear and doom we await a repetition in the future. In this way, false beliefs inevitably become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Walling

The experiences caused by refusal, the more unpleasant and more acute, the more we associate it with total rejection and confirmation of our inferiority. In an effort to protect ourselves from painful feelings, we deliberately avoid intimacy and emotional contact with others.

We cannot open up in our vulnerability, vulnerability, shyness. We do not share hopes, dreams, past mistakes, difficulties. We have a fantasy that by avoiding attachment, falling in love, keeping people at a distance, we can prevent the pain of possible rejection in the future. As if, if we do not really know the other, and he is us, his refusal will not be so unpleasant.

And we also start to be ahead of the curve. Anticipating imminent rejection in a relationship, we are in a hurry to push the other away first. We try to avoid the unpleasant feelings associated with the loss of a person who is dear and loved. And we hope that if we reject, and not us, the loss will not be so painful. The deliberate rejection of others can give us the illusion of control, power in this matter, but, unfortunately, it does not at all facilitate experiences and does not make them more pleasant.

Emotionally withdrawing and proactively rejecting others does nothing to bring us closer to creating healthy, fulfilling, fulfilling relationships. This does not protect us from the pain of rejection, since it is not so much a matter of others as of us.

Let's take a look at less destructive and healthier ways to deal with rejection

Admit and burn

So you are faced with rejection. You will not be able to get what you so wanted or needed, what you hoped for or even hoped for. It is unpleasant. And it is perfectly normal at this moment to experience shame, embarrassment, anger, helplessness and a lot of other feelings. But more often than not, instead of admitting the appearance of unpleasant emotions, we try to slip them through, forget, suppress them. Denial of suffering leads to different types of auto-aggression - drinking, seizing, spending money.

Try not to "slip through", not to anesthetize painful experiences, but to grieve about the impossibility of getting what you want. Try to find your own way of grieving - it helps someone to cry a lot, someone to keep a diary, to share experiences with a close friend or therapist

Sports, personal care, a trip to nature or just a walk alone. Create your own “goodbye” ritual to help you recognize, live through, and work through unpleasant emotions. This will take time, and the length and intensity of the grief depends on the significance of what you have lost. For some experiences it will take only an hour, some refusals can be experienced for months.

Don't blame yourself

Try to stop automatic thoughts after rejection. Most often, beliefs are steadily spinning in my head that the reason is in us, in what we did wrong. It would be nice to know exactly why we were rejected, but it is often not possible to find out. And there may not be a definite answer at all.

We begin to make assumptions, and they, according to the old habit, are not in our favor. It seems to us that we failed, failed, were not charming enough, attractive, interesting, quick-witted, experienced, smart.

Stop, you are no longer a child taking on faith everything that significant adults say. You have enough experience and ability to see more than one hypothesis of the reason for rejection

There can be many reasons. Often this is not about you at all, but is associated with the life circumstances of the person who refuses you. You may not get a job because the boss has already promised a job to his relative, and a new acquaintance does not call, because he is not confident in himself and is fighting with his inner demons.

Even the most beautiful, quick-witted, talented people face rejection from time to time. Maintain a healthy critical eye on this issue, it is unfair to blame yourself for what is out of your control.

Develop resilience

Resilience is your ability to balance or recover from failure. This quality can and should be learned. Look for a resource by pumping things like openness of mind, avoidance of black and white thinking, the ability to enjoy small victories, focus on solutions rather than obstacles, recognition of the importance of the experience gained, and not just the indispensable achievement of a big goal.

Humor, strong close ties, an understanding of one's strengths, the perception of mistakes as important steps on the path to success, an internal locus of control and the practice of psychological self-help contribute to greater resilience

The American Psychological Association (APA) has developed a list of 10 tips for those looking to make their own psyche more adaptable and resilient:

• Create strong bonds.
• Don't think of crises as insurmountable problems.
• Accept change as part of your life.
• Move towards your goal.
• Take action.
• Look for opportunities for self-development.
• Develop a positive vision of yourself.
• Don't lose sight of perspective, think wider.
• Maintain hope.
• Take care of yourself.

Do not give up

Failure is often an unavoidable part of the road to success. Think of the stories of artists, writers and actors who stubbornly continued to beat the thresholds despite the fact that they were rejected over and over again. They knew that this was a normal and even necessary part of the process, and did not take defeat personally. The more attempts, the higher the probability of success.

Repeated repetition can lead to a decrease in sensitivity to rejection. In some cases, this desensitization can work and the more rejections you encounter, the less painful it will be.

However, it is important to remember that this approach should not be used if your desire, need is associated with personal vulnerability, affects important, deep feelings. In close, intimate relationships, it is better not to use the desensitization method. Indeed, true closeness is manifested precisely in the possibility of joint experience of feelings, and not in a decrease in their acuteness.

Make simple requests to others and deliberately risk rejection in order to bring the fear of rejection out of fantasy into reality. Live the unpleasant feelings consciously, work through them, and make requests again. Sooner or later, the understanding will come that rejection is a normal, completely tolerable life experience. There will be less fear and anxiety in life, and more energy for the creative search for alternative opportunities for getting what you want.