How To Cope With Loss. Self-help Guide - Society

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

Each of us will face loss throughout our lives - from pets to loved ones. Grief hurts regardless of whether we prepare for it in advance or it becomes a heartbreaking surprise for us. But even after the most terrible loss, you can continue to live

Grief is an integral part of our existence. Nature made us so: we are the only creatures on the planet (or at least one of the few) who are aware of the fact of our mortality. That is why the fear of one's own death and the death of loved ones is one of the inevitable given in our life.

We can hide from this fear, but this avoidance can only lead to a desolate and lonely life, where there is nothing to lose. Our world is shrinking to the size of Papa Carlo's closet - but that doesn't really save us. Loss is a harsh price to pay for intimacy: if you want trust, love and affection in your life, you cannot avoid parting

We are doomed to say goodbye to our aging parents - and in the most violent scenarios of life, to our children. If you are married, there is no guarantee that the relationship will last until the end of your days and that you both could be in danger of the pain of separation. Even if the relationship lasts a lifetime, still one of you will die first, and the second will have to face the pain of a new life alone.

Sometimes the riots of nature or human negligence claim lives in the most sophisticated ways. This is the world that we did not choose, but in which we can still maintain our dignity and continue to fight for what is important to us.

You are not alone

I would like to hope that now you are reading these lines in order to mentally prepare for possible difficulties in the future. Or maybe you have already faced a bereavement and are looking for deliverance from the sadness, resentment and anger that has settled in your heart?

When we are faced with grief and loss, we need the support and practical help of loved ones more than ever

Loneliness only makes us feel worse, reinforcing the belief that our loss has left us all alone. Therefore, it's time to shift the focus of attention to those people who are still in your life - be they other relatives, friends, neighbors, colleagues.

Feel free to call someone you know to ask you to listen. Of course, in a situation of loss of a loved one, no amount of advice will bring the desired relief, but contact with someone else, whoever it is, may well become an important foundation for a gradual return to life.

It is never a shame to ask for support, and not only psychological. Do not refuse help around the house from those who are ready to do this out of the kindness of their soul or for money. Find someone to accompany you through the bureaucratic jungle with the necessary paperwork. Save your energy - you still need them.

It is quite natural to want everything to end as soon as possible, so that the memories go away and life returns to its usual course. But grief is different for everyone, depending on our past experience, beliefs, psychological stability, faith, and support. Perhaps at some point you will find the strength and courage to treat your experiences with sensitivity and curiosity: "I wonder how I can get through this if I live my grief consciously?"

What is happening to me

How many people around you are capable of talking about death? The ones who don't look away or change the subject when it comes to elderly parents or a recent accident? Unfortunately, a person with whom you can really talk about this, without fear and devaluation, is very rare.

Perhaps that is why the so-called Death Cafs are gaining popularity all over the world? ("Cafe of death"), where people come precisely to talk about death, funeral, life after loss. These are not psychological support groups, but rather conversation clubs, the purpose of which is to give people space for calm, interested discussions, without tantrums or feigned politeness.

If you don't have enough courage to talk, you can entrust your thoughts to paper. Written outburst of experiences is already better than trying to keep everything to yourself. Just try to take a blank sheet of paper and a pen, breathe in and out deeply - and let the words fly free.

• What emotions are you experiencing?
• What was the most painful thing for you in this sad situation?
• What was your relationship with the one you lost?
• How do you deal with your grief?
• What sensations in the body haunt you?
• How has the relationship with the people around you changed now that you have to put up with the new reality?
• In what aspects of your life do you retain warmth and love for someone or someone who is no longer with you?

Maybe sooner or later you will want to reread these lines. Or, on the contrary, you will want to tear this piece of paper and throw it away. It is possible that in the early stages of mourning, not so much the result that remains on paper will be useful, but the process of releasing the accumulated feelings itself. After all, it will not be possible to restore emotional balance until you give your emotions a way out.

Imagine that you have a child inside you who does not understand at all why the most precious thing he had was taken away from him. He is at a loss, he is bitter, he wants to cry and turn to someone for advice, but it seems that no one has an answer to his questions.

This child now really needs your attention, because, besides you, he has no one. If you just try to ignore him, then at the most inopportune moment he will arrange a real storm for you - or he will become silent completely, taking with him all the liveliness and brightness that your heart was only capable of.

Taking care of life

And inhale again. And exhale again. And one more step forward. So, minute by minute, life goes on. Even if now she is not visible behind the veil of black shock. Grief takes time - no matter how hackneyed it sounds. Do not rush to "bounce back" and embark on a battle as if nothing had happened. Even if you are used to pushing yourself forward at all costs, now is the time to learn the skills of self-care and self-compassion.

Don't forget that you have yourself. Pulling yourself out like Munchausen by the hair is much more difficult than with outside help. But even if you are completely alone, it is in your power to regain a meaningful life. Start with basic needs: fullness, warmth, comfort. Give your body a rest regime. Yes, it will be more difficult to restrain emotions from this - but that's the point.

Having shared your grief with someone close or at least with a diary, go in search of lost values and meanings. What was important to you before the loss? Is there something preventing you from continuing to be the person you wanted to be before?

Yes, pain may seem like an insurmountable obstacle, but if you mentally leave it where it is and look around, what will you see? What have you managed to save? What kind of life would that loved one, who no longer exist, wish you? Finally, what kind of life would you like to leave behind when you too are gone?..

Imagine your 90th birthday. Around you are those people who are truly dear to you, though not all. Here is a huge cake with 90 candles on it. In a noisy hall, someone loudly strikes a glass with a knife, demanding attention. This person makes a toast, talking about your life and what mark you have left in the lives of other people.

You hear his or her words - and your eyes are filled with tears of gratitude and satisfaction from the well lived years. What is this toast about? What areas of life seem especially important if you look at it "from there"? And what can you do now to bring your life closer to the one that you can safely talk about at your 90th anniversary day after day?