Table of contents:
- I came to graduation with huge white bows and the anticipation of a new life. And when I was about to go home, the teacher caught me in the corridor and in a whisper mumbled: “I know that you are a decent girl and you are not going to do any such nonsense. But …”And she told me the folk method of protection
- According to the laws of evolution
- Trust and tact
- Straight Talk
- Warn and support
Video: Teens And Sex - Sex, Society
I came to graduation with huge white bows and the anticipation of a new life. And when I was about to go home, the teacher caught me in the corridor and in a whisper mumbled: “I know that you are a decent girl and you are not going to do any such nonsense. But …”And she told me the folk method of protection
According to the laws of evolution
Of course, I was very embarrassed, but it was this conversation that made me think not just about sex, but also about safety and responsibility. Yes, now there is the Internet and children themselves learn about everything that interests them. But are you sure that they will find exactly the site where everything will be written "correctly"?
Human evolution continued for millions of years. And most of this time, people lived and adapted to conditions that were very different from modern ones. In the middle of the last century, the average life expectancy was just over 40 years. In ancient tribes, up to the conditional 25 years, it was necessary to have time to produce offspring and grow it to independence. Therefore, around the age of 12, children were already considered adults, underwent an initiation ceremony and began to actively reproduce. And yes, there were no teenage crises at that time.
Naturally, the entire endocrine mechanism in humans is adapted precisely to that “ancient” life: evolution is not a fast thing. Therefore, the hormonal flurry of the body striving to enter adulthood is hard to miss. It is this phenomenon that we perceive as a difficult adolescence.
In fact, it is important to understand that next to a tender, immature childish personality, passions and physiological reactions are not at all adjacent to children. Your child's body has a genetic memory that includes ancient mechanisms of maturation, sexual behavior and even aggression.
In this regard, the question arises: if the body of a teenager is already ready to hunt and reproduce in the same way as in ancient times, maybe it is worth relaxing and letting the child into adulthood? Where is the line that separates childhood from youth?
In fact, of course, there is no talk of the beginning of adulthood - modern society makes completely different demands: not to multiply faster, but to fully mature personally and intellectually. With the current life expectancy and medicine, there is no need to rush to childbirth at all.
It is important to understand the physiological processes from which your child is so stormy, but it is even more important to realize that in the conditions of the modern world the psyche does not keep up with the body, the teenager is not ready to take full responsibility for his actions, and accordingly, he cannot be given full freedom either.
Trust and tact
Unfortunately, very often parents of adolescents come to me who have already "got out of hand" and "done things" under the influence of a hormonal storm. It usually turns out that previously with the teenager, the issues of sex and puberty were discussed to a minimum, so the child could not constructively perceive his awakened instincts and dived into new sensations with his head.
Of course, most of us have gone through this age without much loss. But it is your direct responsibility as a parent to do so to minimize risks. Talking about sex and protection should not be perceived by a child as something taboo and shameful. Give him the assurance that you will answer any questions he has and share with him his concerns and concerns if they suddenly appear.
At the same time, it is worth remembering about personal space - your child learns to be a woman or a man, and it is important for him to feel that his boundaries will not be broken by your excessive care.
If the psychological barrier does not allow you to adequately talk with your child about sex, contact a specialist who will teach you how to properly conduct these conversations. Pay attention - do not take the child away, but learn to be good parents yourself! At the same time and, most likely, solve your problems.
Fortunately, today almost everyone knows that children should not be told fairy tales about cabbage, storks and giggle in embarrassment when a child asks where the children come from. But few people understand how to properly talk to children on such a complex topic: knowing “how wrong” is not equal to “being able to do it right”.
The chain of answers (as the child grows and new clarifying questions appear) "from the tummy - the doctors get it out - the mother has a special place from where the child appears - mother's and father's cells met at night …" everyone has more or less learned. But to answer an older child who is already interested in such questions as "Where is this most special place?" and “How exactly did the cells meet and not get lost along the way?”, for many it becomes unrealistically difficult.
The first thing that will help you not to get confused at this stage is “biologization”: buy a children's encyclopedia on human anatomy in advance, in which this topic will be covered along with hematopoiesis and the work of the endocrine system at a level accessible to the child. And teach him to refer to her when questions arise about the human body.
It will be great if you yourself will get it, in order, for example, to explain to your child why it is important to play sports or eat right. Show an interest in exploring how we work together. And when the child asks you an "uncomfortable" question, you can get an encyclopedia with a habitual gesture and help him understand the topic that is so exciting to him without embarrassment.
Most likely, from this moment on, the child himself will find answers to his intimate questions. But now you have to initiate new conversations on your own at certain points in your child's life. It's time for the first such conversation - the moment when your child has his first romantic infatuation. Its goal is to prevent the child from being led by the age-related tendency to be closed from parents and to explain that you are always on his side and you can still contact you with any questions and problems.
Warn and support
One of my clients prepared for this conversation in writing in our sessions. And this is what she did (I quote with her permission):
“Daughter, I know that you are a reasonable girl, I trust you and I understand that you still don’t think about the beginning of sexual activity. But it is important for me to tell you some things that will be useful to you in the future. Do you know about methods of protection? (To tell that only condoms protect against diseases; about the diseases themselves, including the danger of the papilloma virus; about the effect on the girl's body of early sexual activity; about the danger of criminal abortions and traditional methods of contraception)."
At first, the daughter resisted and said that she did not think about such things yet. My client explained that she knows about this and just understands that it is unlikely that her daughter will come and tell her about the onset of “that very” moment, so she wants to talk everything out in advance. Then she conducted this conversation according to plan. Nearly. Seeing that her daughter took this conversation normally and even asked questions, the answers to which they were looking for together on the Internet, my mother "suffered" (in the right direction, in my opinion).
She showed where the condoms were (“I don’t want anything to happen to you because you were embarrassed to buy them at the pharmacy”) and ended the conversation with the phrase: “If you come to me one day and report an“accidental”pregnancy, I First, of course, I'll kill you - I'm a living person! But then I will support, we will think together and find the right solution, because I am always on your side."
In a conversation with a boy, I recommend adding the topic of responsibility for a girl, because most often it is boys who initiate the onset of sexual activity. And if he loves a girl, then he must take a responsible attitude to her health
From this moment, when you have introduced into the field of your relationship the opportunity to discuss “it”, about once every six months, it is worth reminding that you are always ready to answer new questions about the protection and location of condoms. At the same time, it is important not to elicit intimate details from the child and not to impose long conversations against his will.