Does Your Attachment Style Leave You Lonely? Change This Forever! - Relationships, Self-development

Another weekend with no plans? Wondering why your relationship ends before it starts, and why are the right bachelors staying away from you? Are you madly tired of feeling lonely and just want to fill the void in your heart with someone significant? You are really alone and in pain

You probably don't realize that the reason many people feel lonely has a lot to do with their attachment styles in relationships.

According to renowned family therapist John Gottman, "Attachment theory describes how our early relationship with our primary significant other, most often a parent, creates our expectations of what love should be."

I once worked with a young, successful business woman who wanted to feel more confident when proposing ideas at work. Our recent conversation took an unexpected turn, awakening her awareness of how deeply alone she is.

When we began researching her story to understand how lack of confidence at work and loneliness in her personal life are related, we discovered that she has an insecure attachment style. This is not unusual - about 50% of adults are in this group.

But what does attachment style - safe or insecure - have to do with feelings of loneliness and insecurity?

These 5 steps will help you better understand yourself and handle relationships with your attachment style in order to release loneliness and find true love:

1. Decide on the main object of affection

As an adult, we develop many relationships of varying degrees of intimacy. We have friends, family, but we also have one person whom we have chosen as the "main" in life. The main priority over everything and everyone.

It turns out to be a pretty tricky concept for a lot of couples. Often, as soon as marriage promises fly off the tongue, our one and only, "until death do us part", becomes second or third in importance. And it ranks last after a career, hobby, family or friends.

2. Decide on substitute attachments

It didn't take long in our conversation with that woman to realize that she was using her career as her primary affection. In her work, she was looking for something that can only be achieved in a reliable love relationship. She hoped that working hard for recognition and acceptance could fill the void in her heart.

It was an incredible discovery when she realized that no amount of success at work would satisfy her human need for love and acceptance.

A career is not a substitute for what she really needs. She was caught in a vicious circle that only exhausted her. She convinced herself that she had little time for personal relationships because she was always so busy with her work. And this kept her in a state of constant employment and loneliness.

She said she felt like she was in a box, unable to be seen and heard. In her insecure state, she needed constant confirmation of her worth from her boss and colleagues.

3. Understand your attachment style and its impact on your relationship

By identifying her attachment style, my client was able to understand why she is so lonely and how she pushes people away in her personal relationships. She began to notice how much she needs support and insecure on the one hand, while alienated and detached if someone pays attention to her, on the other.

It seems like many young professionals follow the same pattern. They boast that they are overworked and have little time for their personal lives. At the same time, they also complain of isolation and inability to find a serious romantic relationship.

4. Change your attachment style to secure

Realizing that your attachment style is unsafe is not enough to help you become more confident, quit your work addiction, and set the time and space for a loving relationship. Solving a problem will require more than just understanding.

They say it takes emotion to heal emotions, but what does that mean?

To heal emotional insecurity and insecurity, you need to feel it, express it, and get a compassionate response

We need time and close relationships to get rid of addictive behavior. This is why Alcoholics Anonymous has become an integral part of the healing of millions of alcoholics.

For most people, learning to build a secure relationship is a major paradigm shift. It's like taking the red pill from The Matrix. Some would describe it as an "alternate reality" or a sudden realization of what the real world of human relationships might be like.

5. Deepen your understanding of attachment styles and apply it in your life

Understanding attachment theory and applying it to your own life can be a mind-blowing experience. It happened to me when my 25-year marriage fell apart.

Contrary to popular oriental concepts, we are attuned to relationships and we suffer deeply if we cannot build a secure attachment. While meditation can help regulate emotions, it is not a substitute for intimate relationships.

We are able to disconnect from our need for relationships with other people, but the need for love is what connects people to each other. We are social beings who deeply desire to be loved and seen

There is no way to get around it or replace it with something, success is great, but no amount of money, achievement or fame can satisfy our need for human affection.

By understanding your desire to build a deep connection, you can make more informed decisions about your relationship.

We are surrounded by friends and family members who may be driven by completely different motives. Even if we make the decision to learn to build deeper connections, it can be very difficult due to the lack of support in our pursuit and the feeling of loneliness.

Everything is not clear, what to do when you feel lonely? Try this: reach out to your close friends. Tell them how you feel and find out about yourself. They may want to join you in your exploration of yourself.

You may want to find a therapist to help you dig deeper and heal old attachment trauma.

By Michael W. Regier, PhD