Online Dating: Benefits And Risks - Relationships, Society

My childhood friend and I work together, hang out in the office for a long time at the computer. There is not enough time for personal life, although we both earn decent money and in the long term are more likely to have a family than a long bachelor "youth". My friend prefers online dating, and I can't get him to parties where you can meet girls live. Which of us is right? Perhaps I am missing out on some of the benefits of online dating? How is it wiser and more promising to get acquainted now? The opinion of a sexologist on this matter is interesting.

Denis, 28 years old

Sexologist Yuri Prokopenko answers

First, I’ll make a reservation right away: there are as many opinions as sexologists, I will give my own, based on the available scientific data and my own experience as a practicing consultant.

Secondly, the question, despite the apparent clarity of the wording, is quite capacious, so we will understand it gradually.

1. Pros and benefits of online dating

To begin with, let's keep in mind that in the modern world, where a fair amount of communication has long gone online, it is really unreasonable not to get acquainted with this tool at least once. Just because he is. And it would be nice to figure out what's what.

Virtual acquaintances began before the era of all sorts of conventional "tinder", as soon as messengers appeared on computers. And one of the advantages of virtual communication has always been that you can easily meet anyone anywhere in the world.

An important advantage. Acquaintance on the Internet expands our understanding of the world around us, people, their needs and interests. All this is important for communication

There is another plus: in the Internet space, you can openly and very clearly declare your goals. If this is a meeting for one night with the aim of having sex, then it is normal when on both sides of the monitors there are adults and people who are aware of all the possible consequences of their decisions. An adult makes a conscious choice about his intentions in sexual life - and this is his right. In any case, the conditions are clearly announced.

Honesty is a chic thing these days, especially in sex, especially when everyone is honest. But it is possible, in accordance with the norms of ethics, only on the Web. It is difficult to imagine that someone would make such an offer to a girl in the subway: “you are beautiful as a meadow flower, so let’s go through”. This is not accepted offline. But online is acceptable.

The key plus of online dating is a kind of impersonality, lack of moral and ethical obligations, when you can express what you would never say to your eyes. On the web, you seem to be practicing to communicate

And this is not scary, because at any time you can press the button - and you will never see yourself anywhere else.

2. The dangers of online dating

But there is another side to impersonality. Negative. And now we will not talk about criminally punishable acts. Just about the consequences of flirting with the Network. The depersonalization, "training" of virtual communication allows people who are insecure to "become" whoever they want.

On the one hand, it can be satisfying for a while. On the other hand, it widens the gap between the real and the virtual world. A person loses the ability to adequately evaluate both himself and the people around him.

Among my clients there are young men who think of themselves as heartthrobs and ladies' men, because they are very successful in virtual communication, including virtual sex. But getting to know a girl in real life - even just throwing a couple of insignificant phrases about the weather - is simply not able

They are physically unable to overcome the mental barrier. Without being hidden behind monitors, they do not believe in themselves.

Another danger of online dating is also associated with an invented image. But this time not his own, but someone else's. When we communicate on the web, we come up with a person with whom we are talking. And it's not even that the photos are embellished, you talk with quotes and memes, but that in real life you may not recognize and understand each other.

You go on a date with the person you pictured in your mind, not with someone real. You have already come up with a character, demeanor, intonation, attitude towards you, that is, something that cannot be read from the screen. And the reality can surprise you a lot.

3. What we miss when we meet online

The fact is that between people of different sexes, at first glance, what I call a microkinetic connection arises. That "chemistry" that occurs in the process of communication. Facial expressions, movements, looks, smells - all the many nuances that, with live communication, allow our internal energy to tune in to one wave. And this understanding is possible only through personal contact.

Note that the above dangers and omissions are effective even for the implementation of dreams of casual sex for one night. What can we say about the hope of finding a partner for a longer period.

4. Virtual questionnaires: fiction and reality

Starting to correspond on the Internet, we miss the opportunity of the above-mentioned microkinetic interaction. Having abandoned such a conscious energy exchange, from the process of intuitive cognition, we begin to delve into rationality and come up with "parameters of an ideal partner" and the like.

Look for videos on the Web (Ukrainian colleagues had such a project, Asian and American colleagues had such a project), where a young man is invited to a room with 20-30 women (and similarly with a girl and men) and asked to read out his "requirements" for the ideal partner. And then in just a couple of minutes (and the list is no more than 10 items) the room becomes empty - and the boy is left alone (or the girl is left alone in a symmetrical project).

No questionnaires and profiles on the Web give us an idea of a person. And no lists and matches to them bring happiness of compatibility

We can sincerely believe in our 20 years that we will marry only an elegant brunette who will play the piano and share a craving for travel and political views, and as a result, live happily with a plump blonde giggle who loves home, children and borscht. This is the action of a psychological factor that nullifies all imaginable and inconceivable personal data.

5. Virtual dating and long-term relationships

Psychologist and sexologist Yuri Reshetnyak identified 5 marital factors:

• material factor,
• appearance factor,
• factor of sexuality,
• factor of culture,
• psychological factor.

And if it is theoretically possible to draw up a questionnaire for the first four factors, then it is almost impossible to describe the psychological factor in detail. And he is just one of the most significant, if we do not mean sex for one night, but a long-term relationship. For this reason, making an adequate choice on the Web is so difficult.

Returning to the question, I cannot answer with certainty "who is right and who is wrong." After all, it all depends on the goals. Perhaps you are thinking of needs and dreams for your friend. Perhaps he is not so eager to start a family - and then let him remain in the virtual space, where he is comfortable.

If we are talking not only about sex, but also about relationships, then we must definitely go “in real life”. After all, sincerity and emotionality are lost with any standardized approach to acquaintance, virtual as well