5 Signs You Are Making Excuses For Misuse - Self-development, Society

There is a well-known saying - “Children learn from life”. And this is a sad truth. Daughters (and even sons), growing up in families where harsh criticism is weighed out on a daily basis, where ridicule and shaming are part of everyday life, and depreciation and accusations are constants of family dynamics, adapt to coexist with others and survive

They take the circumstances of their childhood as the norm and mistakenly believe that all children are treated the same everywhere. In addition, they internalize what they hear in the form of self-criticism and absorb how they have been treated as an accurate reflection of themselves. This happens unconsciously and by default governs the behavior and reactions of such people when they grow up.

This emotional legacy accompanies them as they leave their parental home and enter adulthood. It makes them blind to certain types of behavior and treatment that a child who has received enough love, with a stable sense of self and healthy boundaries, would easily recognize and react immediately.

There is no place for toxic behavior in the lives of children who have received enough love. The same cannot be said for unloved children who have formed insecure attachments. They may either not recognize the abuse because they are used to it, or they may not understand how they support it by accepting and justifying it

If you are responding to your mistreatment and interpreting it as described below, it’s time to take a critical look at it and realize how your actions contribute to your unhappiness and keep you in a relationship that is time to leave.

1. You agree with other people when they tell you that you are "too sensitive."

You have been told this all your life, and you have no reason to doubt it. When someone hurts you, you take responsibility for it. Thus, your pain becomes your problem, not the problem of the one who hurt you. A close friend tells you that "you are too serious" or "do not understand jokes" after he or she said something that made you feel completely discouraged, and you agree with it.

Do you recognize yourself? Do you blame yourself for the pain other people have caused you?

2. You do not defend yourself when you are harshly criticized

Some families make one child the scapegoat and blame everything that goes wrong. Whether it's a broken vase, a clogged sink, what the dog wrote in the house, or that the family is late somewhere in the morning, or something else. In other families, the hypercritical mother convinces the child that he is not able to do anything right.

The child is called lazy, stupid, awkward and unpleasant. Growing up, such children withdraw into themselves and are silent when they are criticized using phrases like "you always …", "you never …", listing their shortcomings and failures every time something goes wrong or some kind of dispute arises or conflict

Family and relationship expert John Gottman calls it “household drama,” where a single comment turns into lamentations about everything except the one that initially provoked irritation. Unfortunately, the habit of not defending yourself makes you a convenient target for a manipulator and keeps you isolated and distressed.

Do you recognize yourself?

3. You try to find rational explanations for your partner's silent disregard for your requests to talk

Children who are ignored and overlooked often find it difficult to recognize what psychologists know as the most toxic pattern and obvious sign of relationship problems - demand / avoidance. Such interaction begins with the fact that one partner asks the other to talk about the problem, and in response receives silence, refusal to speak, or literally physical elimination.

Tension will build up as the partner who asked for the conversation will be dissatisfied and will try to insist on his request, which will lead to further detachment of the other partner (John Gottman defines this behavior as one of four that doom marriage to failure).

An unloved daughter is more likely to tolerate such tacit disregard precisely because it is so familiar to her

She will try to justify her partner's behavior, assuming that it is difficult for him now to speak out the problems, blaming herself for choosing the wrong time or tone to start a conversation, or blaming herself for demanding to talk at all. This tolerance only exacerbates an already unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Do you recognize yourself? See how you are supporting this process?

4. You avoid conflicts at all costs

Living with an aggressive or overcritical mother has taught you to be quiet, to draw as little attention to yourself as possible, and in the event of a conflict, try to calm her down or others who threaten you. This is still present in your life - you try to do everything possible to avoid conflicts. Unfortunately, in this way, you unintentionally allow the people who get their way through control and manipulation to stay at the helm. Attempts to smooth over conflict only fuel toxic behavior.

Do you recognize yourself? Is fear driving you?

5. You don't trust your feelings

Children who experience bullying, neglect and gaslighting in a family of origin do more than just suffer from low self-esteem. They also easily give in when they disagree with them, because they are convinced that their own feelings cannot be trusted

By default, they doubt their feelings, especially if they have experienced gaslighting and are constantly told that they are making everything up. Children with this experience may greatly fear that they are "insane" or deeply traumatized, as was the case with me. Doubting your feelings, you again give all power to the narcissist or manipulator who wants to control you.

If you recognize yourself in these examples, you should analyze your behavior. This will help you understand how it affects your life and keeps you from breaking the deadlock of toxic relationships.

By Peg Streep