"My Husband Is Not Dealing With A Child" - Society

Often, oh, how often women complain about their husbands who do not take part in the child's life. Complain to girlfriends, mothers, mothers-in-law. Finally, to psychologists. And this is not their inner vision of the situation. Without a doubt, there are fathers who, if not on a par with their mother, still fulfill their parental function. But every second woman expresses claims to dads who do not take proper part in the lives of children. Why do fathers withdraw themselves from the upbringing process and do not take care of the child?

Root causes:

1. Fear of causing physical harm, injury

When we were taking our first child home, I complained to my husband that I felt insecure. In the maternity hospital, the baby was placed under the back of a fabric folded in several layers for rigidity. At home, this "rib" will not be, and I have no experience. My husband hastened to calm me down, saying that he was absolutely not afraid and he would insure me until I mastered the wisdom of holding babies in my arms. But as soon as the thick envelope was left aside, the husband's confidence faded away. He honestly tried to fit his hands under the small body, but had to admit that he was afraid of harming the baby. He left me no choice, and I very quickly learned the skill. Of course, this fear is most pronounced precisely in the first weeks of a child's life. However, its influence can cover a later period: the danger of stepping on a crawling baby,fear of dislocating the handle to a toddler. But by the time of baby's "physiological maturity" it will pass.

2. Fear of becoming emotionally vulnerable, "giving up slack"

Society asks the boy to be a leader, a locomotive, “not to let the babes go,” to be emotionally restrained (“Don't cry, you’re not a girl!”, “Be patient, real men endure!”, “Does it hurt? No blood!”). This is male gender socialization. Because of such demands in the mind of a man to give an emotional response is to fail, not to cope with the function of a leader assigned to him. How can he avoid this? Eliminate the source of emotional response, that is, get rid of contact with the child.

3. Fear of being a bad dad

It is inherent in those who have not formed the image of a father or this image is negative. May grow out of unsuccessful personal son's experience (it was in his family).

Such forms of reaction as emotional coldness, egocentrism, workaholism grow out of them. These fears are often not perceived by others as the root cause, but are interpreted as laziness, unwillingness to participate in the educational process.

Superficial reasons:

1. The father does not love the child

For various reasons: someone else's child, an unwanted or unhealthy child, did not live up to expectations, the husband fell out of love with his wife. As a rule, the mother understands everything or guesses about the root of the problem, but closes her eyes, because admitting to herself what is happening is tantamount to the destruction of the family.

2. Dad does not know how to interact with the child

This reason may overlap with the "deep" motives described above or be simpler: due to upbringing or character, the dad does not know what to do with the child, what to do together, what to play. When he is in a situation in which he is forced to contact, he leaves his comfort zone, gets irritated.

3. Lack of resources

The husband really works a lot (and does not refer to a large amount of work), often on business trips. He does not have enough time and energy to actively participate in the life of the family in a specific period of time.

4. Mom's childcentrism

The woman is completely focused on the child. And dad has no place in this new coordinate system. On the one hand, he was left out of attention and care, on the other, in the opinion of his wife, he does not show the same heightened attention to the development of the child as his mother, which means he “betrays” the family.

Obsolete model

The patriarchal structure of the family, of which we are the heirs, assigned the main role in raising a child to a woman. The topic of differences in the contribution of mother and father to the upbringing of a child was analyzed by the German social psychologist Erich Fromm in his work The Art of Love (1956). The general meaning of his research is as follows: maternal love is unconditional in nature, while the child's love must (will) be earned. That is, the love of the mother for the child is born with the child, the love of the father appears in conscious joint activity, when you can interact with the child, get a return, be proud of his successes.

“The baby needs maternal unconditional love and care, both physiologically and mentally. A child over the age of six begins to need a father's love, authority, and guidance from a father. The function of the mother is to provide the child with safety in life, the function of the father is to teach him, to guide him so that he can cope with the problems that the society in which he was born puts before the child. " And it was precisely with this factor of the difference between maternal and paternal love that Fromm, and after him many other psychologists, associated the very uneven participation of husband and wife in the upbringing of the child.

Modern research shows that a loving adult of either gender can raise a child, that an involved father can create the same strong emotional bond with a child as a mother.

Time to change

“Nothing is impossible for a person with intelligence,” as the secretary Vera from the famous film “Office Romance” said. What are the ways to involve the father in caring for the child?

1. Discussion and readiness to respond

As impartial and non-judgmental as possible. Asking directly, "Do you fear (for example) being a bad father?" Or: "Are you afraid of losing your space?" Or: "Do you still love me?" And be ready to accept the answer. It may take a spouse some time to think. In this case, you should not demand an immediate answer, but try to return to the conversation later.

2. Acceptance

In the event that we are talking about phobias or objective circumstances (a large amount of work that takes time and energy), try to accept the situation as it is, thereby reducing the tension in the relationship. You can try to include the father in the family life little by little, without insisting and retreating from time to time so as not to increase stress.

3. Patience

Don't give up if it doesn't work right away. Do not criticize your husband if he does something worse than expected. A bit of trickery, such as arranging an important phone call while reviewing homework. Or refer to the need to urgently visit the toilet at the time of changing the baby's clothes.

4. Trust

If the husband has already begun to get involved in the process, the wife must learn to trust him and not make adjustments to his “work”. After all, dad is not a stranger to the child and is not going to harm him intentionally. Most of all, this point concerns child-centered moms. They have to realize that it is not at all necessary to control everything (and it will not work). Jumping through puddles has a more beneficial effect on establishing closeness between dad and child (and also on immunity) than keeping the T-shirt white.

5. Valuable opinion

It is very useful for the father to be involved in the parenting process by asking his advice about the child. For example, what abilities should be developed, which school to choose, etc. And be sure to follow these tips so as not to negate his participation.

6. Right to personal time

Both mom and dad should have such time, even if it seems to her that all his time is personal and he spends it as he wants.

So, we can say unequivocally that in a situation of involving a husband in raising a child, the most effective method is the method of soft power (not coercion, but "patient persistence" and benevolence). Although the term is political, it applies not only to international relations, but also to interpersonal ones. And then the relationship not only between the father and the child, but also between the husband and wife will reach a new, more trusting level.