Table of contents:
- A young woman is sitting in a cafe with a baby. It seems that both have left the pages of a glossy magazine: beautiful, fashionably dressed. Yes, even a little girl is just a picture. Mom constantly takes selfies: she is alone, she is with a cup of coffee, she is with her daughter. The baby tries to attract the attention of her mother, but she waves it off: "Wait, I'm busy!" And he notices the daughter only when it is necessary to photograph her
- What happens to a child if he is not noticed
- Why do moms ignore their children?
- 5 steps towards the child
Video: Instamams: How We Traumatize Our Children - Society
A young woman is sitting in a cafe with a baby. It seems that both have left the pages of a glossy magazine: beautiful, fashionably dressed. Yes, even a little girl is just a picture. Mom constantly takes selfies: she is alone, she is with a cup of coffee, she is with her daughter. The baby tries to attract the attention of her mother, but she waves it off: "Wait, I'm busy!" And he notices the daughter only when it is necessary to photograph her
It would seem that take away the child - and nothing will change in the mother's behavior, she will smile the same way, straighten her hair and pose. There is practically no contact and interaction between her and her daughter. The baby is like another accessory in the life of a fashionable mother, just like a scarf or a handbag. You can brag about them in pictures on social networks, but you don't want to pay too much attention to them. And a child, unlike a scarf, requires attention, annoyingly a lot of attention!
Soon, the daughter stops trying to attract her mother and begins to play with herself, talk with a toy, or … just like her mother, she buries herself at the screen, which she prudently put in front of her.
Sound familiar? Go to almost any cafe and you will see something similar. Maybe it won't be a daughter, but a son, mom will be older or younger, blonde or brunette … But the interaction scheme will remain the same. And this is a trauma for the child that will affect his future life.
What happens to a child if he is not noticed
The interaction of the baby with the mother is called "primary contact" because this is his very first contact with the world. It is imprinted on the child forever, becoming a template for all future interactions with the world. Is the world happy for me? Can you love and accept me? Am I needed, is I important?
The experience gained in the initial contact, then begins to be projected onto the world, scripts the relationship: the person himself repeats the traumas of childhood over and over again. He does not know other schemes of interaction, therefore, as an actor who knows only one role, he plays it over and over again. And then he says: "I knew it!"
A kind of “self-fulfilling prophecy” arises: if a person believes in something, he organizes his life so that his belief is confirmed. He simply will not notice the alternative sides of life, remaining in the so-called "whirlpool of trauma."
For example, as in our "fashion mom" example, adults ignore the child. The conviction is born inside him: "They don't notice me." The conclusion follows from this: "I am not needed and interesting to anyone." A person who lives with such a conviction can keep quiet and imperceptibly, be passive in contacts, not open up. As a result, people will not pay attention to him, and he will say: "Yes, I knew it, I am not interesting to anyone!"
Or, on the contrary, he will go into the so-called overcompensation: he will begin to prove to everyone what an interesting person he is, to attract attention. His behavior will be neurotic and dependent on the opinions of others. He will fight for love and attention, spending a lot of energy on it. And it is not a fact that he will be able to accept this attention and feel his value. Most often, such people decide: "I am valuable only if I am successful at work …", "I am valuable only if I am beautiful and slender …" They remain super-dependent on other people's attention and opinions for life.
A mother who lives on Instagram or other social networks and ignores the child harms him, which may not appear immediately. But he will stay with the child for life
Contact with mom determines not only future relationships with the world, but also … relationships with oneself.
The mother's eyes are called "mirrors": the child looks in them and understands that it exists; understands what he is, whether good or valuable. If the mother looks at the child a little, he lacks feedback from the world, “mirroring”. Subsequently, such people feel bad, do not know what they want, do not know how to cope with stress, because there is not enough self-regulation.
Why do moms ignore their children?
What is behind the ignore mechanism? In short, there is a lack, or even a lack of love.
Sometimes the mother is not ready for the birth of a child, the pregnancy was accidental or was the result of an obligation, a way to tie a partner. Infantile parents are burdened by children, because they themselves are still children, and here they are responsible for a small helpless creature.
The child may resemble an unloved relative, and then anger directed at another person is transferred to the child. Or the child becomes a "lightning rod" for the parent when the parent is in a bad mood.
Ignoring the child is also characteristic of the narcissistic parent, whose egocentrism is not able to accommodate the understanding that there is someone else in the world besides him
Social media moms are the modern type of ignorant parent. A real child simply does not fit into their life, they need him as part of their virtual life, in the form of touching photos on social networks that they can boast of. A child outside of Instagram creates only problems, takes time and care. It distracts from the internet!
But it's not about Instagram, but about the peculiarities of the mother. We would like to emphasize our position: we are not against Instagram or other social networks. We are against ignoring and rejecting the child. And if the mother prefers life on social networks, not spending time on real life and communicating with the child, of course the point is in her and in her choice, and not on Instagram.
If a mom starts to live an Internet life, she destroys not only her real life, but also harms the child who depends on her
5 steps towards the child
What if you realize that you spend too much time on the Internet and not enough time with your child?
- Be clear about the minimum amount of time you will spend with your child and stick to that plan. Compensate for the time missed on one day on another.
- If you have set aside time for your child, do not force him to share this time with your virtual company: put the phone aside.
- It is not only the quantity that is important, but also the quality of contact with the child. Spend time with your child, be attentive to him, attuned to him. Look, listen, ask questions.
- Look for an opportunity for synergy: what can you do together? What kind of active interaction can there be between you?
- Find: what do you get for yourself in contact with the child? Remember that communication between parent and children is important not only for the children, but also for the parent. Be aware of this, enjoy real communication with your child.
