Table of contents:
- We continue the cycle about freedom, independence, motivation and everything that (lack) our children in order to "do what they need." This article is about resistance. It manifests itself at all stages, but most vividly - at the stage of overcoming obstacles
- He does not want
- Other people's needs, other people's goals
- How resistance is expressed
- To each his own
- Find balance
- To be heard
Video: Resistance Fighters - Blogs, Society
We continue the cycle about freedom, independence, motivation and everything that (lack) our children in order to "do what they need." This article is about resistance. It manifests itself at all stages, but most vividly - at the stage of overcoming obstacles
He does not want
Imagine a child who doesn't want to do something. For example, he does not want to sit down to study, dress for a walk, or wash the dishes. Or a child who does not want to stop doing what he is doing (drawing, designing, soldering a microcircuit, reading a book, playing a computer game), even though you have told him a hundred times that it's time to … sleep, eat, do homework. He resists.
Why it happens? Let's turn to the diagram. The need determines the goal. The goal determines everything: exactly how the process will go, motivation, overcoming obstacles, the result.
Other people's needs, other people's goals
When a child is busy with his process, he is logically built - from his needs to his result. For example, a girl decided to draw a horse. What is the need? The child will say: I wanted to draw. The psychologist will say: self-realization in creative activity, the development of thinking, imagination, fine motor skills, visual skills, the development of purposefulness, the ability to plan their activities, the need for approval.
The child feels all this as a whole, so he sets a goal: to draw a horse. What need has moved, he cannot say. It is possible that I just wanted to try, whether it works or not
He selects the means, organizes a place for himself (not necessarily successfully, but nevertheless), begins the process, controls it. Copes with the desire to jump off the spot to see what has fallen there in the kitchen, eat a chocolate bar, and fiddle with a doll lying next to him. Focused.
And here is my mother: "What are you doing there, the lessons are not done!", "You finish drawing tomorrow, it's time to sleep!" and so on, etc. Do you understand what's going on? And there is no less than a breakdown of the volitional process. And mom's order is now for the child no more than an obstacle (see stage 4). And the obstacle - what? We must overcome!
How resistance is expressed
You have seen and experienced all this a hundred times. Only, perhaps, they called it in other words: "rudeness", "out of spite", "does not obey." This resistance to you as an obstacle is expressed in the following forms:
- Ignoring: "He doesn't seem to hear me" - familiar? Can really not hear if deeply involved in the process. Or deliberately ignore. And this is also useful, although this idea seems seditious.
- Formal response: "now, now", "coming", "soon", "uh-huh." The goal is to “calm down” the obstacle for a while.
- Protest: "how much is it possible?", "Leave me alone", "don't bother." The bad thing is that it “turns on” the parent and knocks the child out of the process.
To each his own
Each of us realizes our needs and goals. For example, an adult realizes the need to be a good parent and raise a healthy, intelligent, socially adapted child. To do this, we set ourselves goals: to pick up mugs and deliver the child there, feed them on time and correctly, take care of the regime, appearance, and monitor school progress.
We say: “We don’t need this! He needs it! " And this is the mistake. The child sets his own goals. They are also aimed at preserving life and developing sociality, but other means are chosen
That is why the obligatory, on which we insist, becomes an obstacle that must be overcome. And what we consider "nonsense" is in fact a process that deserves careful respect.
“So what: don't make me go to school and do my homework, let him draw ?! These psychologists have gone completely crazy,”I can hear the public outrage. But no, I will not encroach on the sacred. Processes marked "must is must" are also important and useful (I'll write about it sometime).
Balance is needed. School, lessons, study groups, household chores, food hygiene and even leisure activities organized by adults should not take 100% of the child's waking time. Because he should be able to independently choose an activity and pump his volitional processes (and other useful processes) within it.
Remember the article on independence? Independence is not an obedient execution of what is needed and as mom said.
To be heard
And yet it is unpleasant when children “do not hear”, “are rude” or dissuade. It is necessary to establish contact, and preferably without shouting and indignation. And you need to direct so that important areas of life from the category of "must" do not sag. I can reveal a few secrets that are not secrets at all.
- Practice respect. Get used to assuming that what the child does is important. Any process, even a small one, is useful. It's like building blocks. Or a mosaic. Only after a lapse of time can one appreciate the enormity of the work done.
- Interest instead of depreciation. Discard the word "nonsense". It is better to ask (if you really want to): “What are you doing? What exactly do you want to do? " It is worth remembering that some processes - especially the game - can be destroyed from this. Therefore, it is better to start simply by observing.
- Delicate approach. In the truest sense of the word: if you are suitable to remind of responsibilities, approach quietly, speak in a low voice, from close range, with eye contact. Compare: shouting across the room to the child in the back and waiting for an immediate reaction.
- Decide on the time. Helpful question: "How long does it take you to finish?" Not at every age a child will be able to answer, but a student can already give or take. If you have time, let it end. A useful thing is an hourglass for 5, 10, 15 minutes.
- Time for business and leisure. Schedule organizes thinking, helps develop planning skills. Think together how the day is being built. Do you think the most important thing is to mark the time of lessons and responsibilities? No. The most important thing is to designate personal time. This is the time from which you will not "bite off" a part for deeds or requests. You will not distract him, no matter what the child is busy with. By the way, this will develop respect for your personal time, from which the child will not “bite off” a part with his requests.
- Empathy. If the process the child is in still needs to be interrupted (it's time to go to the theater, for example), show empathy. Not this: "You will never get the call, we are always late!" - and "I understand that you would like to finish, but there really is no time for that." Try to calmly accept the child's upset - it's really a pity when you have to leave that which fascinates you. You, too, are in such situations? An adult already has time scheduling skills and rarely starts a business in 20 minutes if there is only 5 minutes left. Children are just learning this.
We all sometimes (alas, not infrequently) act as an obstacle for our children. This process is natural, and so are the child's reactions. Children learn to overcome with us. But think: this skill will come in handy when a classmate distracts them during the lesson. When the other person tries to discount what they are doing. When someone tries to bring them down to use them for their own purposes.