Motivation: Someone Else's And Your Own - Blogs, Self-development

I couldn't get down to the motivation article. Because my motivation has disappeared. She was just here somewhere. But as soon as the text was put into the plan, it moved to the category "must". And that's all. Two weeks of procrastination, forgetting, procrastination. Until today the strict (crossed out) favorite editors reminded me of the article. Another half hour of hanging out on social networks (I need to rest), drinking tea, "pull yourself together, rag!"

Motivation: how would I want to be able to do a lot

If you ask what motivation is, then you can hear the answer: “this is why you do something and bring it to the end”. In general, everything is correct. The psychological dictionary defines as follows: "motivation is made up of motives that cause the activity of the organism and determine its focus on achieving the goal."

So, the important words: motivation, activity, orientation, achievement, goal.

I will consider motivation as a part of the volitional process (for more details, see the article "Will: parent-child wars"). Here is a diagram from this text to remind where the motivation is.

So different motivation

It is important to consider that motivation can be …

• External and internal. The first is stimulation from the outside (“if you go to college, I'll buy a car”), the second is from the inside (“I need it, and I'll do it”). It is better to use the external one for a short time and for small occasions.
• Positive and negative. In the first case, the person is driven by the anticipation of victory (which means that one of the "hormones of joy" is dopamine), and in the second - the desire to avoid failure, punishment (and therefore, the "stress hormone" cortisol).
• Stable and unstable. The first has the criterion of resilience: for example, from day to day to remain motivated to be the owner of the dog, walking it in any weather. The second - either quickly collapses, or wavy: that is, then no.
• Associated with activation or inhibition. In the first case, you need to start something or continue to do something. In the second, stop, stop.

Of course, the best thing is internal positive sustainable motivation. An example is a student who keeps this formulation for a long time: "If I do my homework, I can go to a good university and be a successful person."

This motivation can be found where …

… I have my own need. In this case, it is social - the need for success.

… I have my own goal. Here it is expressed in an understandable criterion - admission to a good university.

All parents dream about such child motivation. When a child is brought to a psychologist, parents want the specialist to form just such a structure.

It seems to us that it is so simple, so obvious: if you learn, you will become successful. But for some reason, not all children have this fixed in their heads. "For some reason": there is no need of its own (neither cognitive nor social), therefore, no goal is set. And learning ceases to be a tool for achieving goals. So motivation is not formed.

The worst motivation is external negative stable. The main means of parental "motivation" are threats, blackmail, prohibitions, exposure through fear, pressure. This kills the last germs of desire to do at least something.

5 frequently asked questions

1. Why doesn't he have motivation?

He has motivation. Definitely there is. See how persistently he ignores your "time to sleep" when he wants to finish playing or watch the cartoon. How much effort is your daughter putting in to coax you into new shoes. How, not wanting to be distracted, your son is looking for information about the biography of a football player. And this is all that is considered "frivolous". But there may be other processes as well! Children independently study the theory of fashion, electrical engineering and the basics of psychophysiology using Wikipedia. Read books. They design a lot: from clothes for dolls to aircraft. Learn languages.

If the process begins with your personal goal (from your “want” or your own “must”), then there are fewer problems with motivation. It may start and not finish - this is the most important thing. But often, after all, he completes, especially if we do not interfere with our "why are you doing nonsense here, it would be better …"

The inability to form motivation is a pathological and rare process. But the difficulty in finding your own motivation for someone else's "want" or "must" is at every step.

He is healthy, calm down.

2. Can motivation be developed?

Here we are most likely talking about those goals that come from an external "need" or someone else's "want". "But this is what he needs - to study well so that later he can enter and work!" - parents say in despair. In despair - because they repeated this thought to the child more than once, but it still doesn’t. Does not want to take "into the inner plan." And it's not that he doesn't understand at all. If you ask a child, he will cheerfully say that this is exactly what you need to learn for. But for now this understanding is outside, not inside.

You can develop motivation. Think about how you deal with it when it comes to you. Even in not your own process, you are looking for something useful for yourself. For example, “I will do it faster - I will be free faster”, remind you that it is necessary to do this for one reason or another (made a promise, get paid, return service …), promise yourself a small gift upon completion

These are all ways to motivate yourself. Adults do it somewhat better. In children, the brain areas responsible for planning, control, goal holding and motivation itself are only developing. Therefore, the help of parents in this matter is very important.

3. How to develop motivation?

The first and foremost assistant of parents … no, not depriving the tablet. And not buying a toy. The most important is His Majesty's Personal example. Let's assume the best option: you really love your job. But in any complexly organized process there is something that must be done, but one does not want to. How do you approach these responsibilities? Are you putting off until the last moment? Doing in a hurry? Doing well, but moaning? Do you complain about the management, which is tortured by its innovations?

And if we are talking about household matters? About those that "need", but do not want to. What attitude do children observe towards them? Perhaps you are planning, trying to calmly perform duties, leaving time for leisure, do not whine about this? If so, then it will be easier for the child to deal with their sphere of "should". If there is an option "don't be like a mom", then - I hasten to disappoint you - it does not work. This button does not exist at all, and you do not need to try to press it.

And the second main option is to go through Interest. It is possible to find your motivation for a “foreign” goal if, as a result, you find something beneficial (in a broad sense) for yourself. Do you like the world around you, but don't like Russian and mathematics? And what is there in the world around from Russian and from mathematics? Do you want to be a creator of computer games, because apart from them, there is little interest? This requires knowledge from a wide variety of areas.

4. Why doesn't motivation develop in any way, although I do everything for this?

Are you sure you are doing everything? Have you carried out preventive work in terms of personal example? Are you convinced that he is about what you need, and not vice versa? Sometimes adults are in a hurry: "I've been putting my clothes in the closet for a whole week (personal example), but he still can't!"

A personal example is not an emergency remedy. It must sprout, become natural. Perhaps it will be possible to see its action in a few years. But this tool is the most durable of all

Sometimes confusion is the cause of demotivation or erratic motivation. Either an adult uses pseudo-internal motivation ("you need this"), sometimes - external ("there will be no triplets - let's go to the rides"). It scares ("you will be a poor student"), then it supports. Of course, such a leapfrog is justified at the stage when you are trying to find possible motivation. But overall it is not very useful.

Another demotivating point is the use of external motivation (especially negative, built on the deprivation of what is important) instead of internal positive. It is there, you can find it if you look well.

Well, the most interesting plot is when such a child's behavior is actually beneficial to the family system. For example, if he does the homework himself, the grandmother will feel a little less needed, which is unpleasant.

5. Can a psychologist help develop motivation?

In principle, it can. I approach it this way: I learn about the interests of the child, listen to what he says about difficulties and unwillingness. We talk about what he wants, what he dreams of and what he strives for. Then we try to find together the components of what "must" eat from "want". Or how "it is necessary" can help to come what "wants".

In principle, a parent can do this for free in the kitchen in the evening. With children, heart to heart is now very little talked about. Rarely do they know what they really think. They try to think for them. They don't want to, they resist, which is a healthy process

And you certainly can't expect to be able to bring your child into the office and say, “Here's a man. Give it back to me with motivation, I'm paying money, and you're a psychologist. Don't touch me, I'm not going to change anything. " In these cases, when a parent waits for the child to be upgraded and returned to a comfortable and well-combed one, frustration sets in. It doesn't work that way. Why? Because a personal example. Because resistance to change. Because parenting is also about flexibility and personal change.

So…

The possibility of a motivational process is an integral part of the work of a healthy psyche. Your child knows how to motivate himself and keep motivated, overcoming obstacles. Only usually he does it in areas where his "want" and his own "must" dominate.

An adult can help a child find motivation in areas that are important to the child, but he still cannot understand the importance (health, social skills, learning). For this, the most important way is by example. You don't have to be perfect and set the right example in everything. But then do not demand from the child either