Table of contents:
- Good afternoon, tell me how sexologists advise talking with children about sex? It's just that in my family these conversations were not accepted, they learned everything in passing, little by little, in schools, summer camps. I would like to change this situation in relations with my own children, but there is no skill. What is the best way to do this? At what age to start? And why?
- Advice from "experienced" parents, for whom everything went smoothly, or popularizing books by authors without special education - akin to unsolicited advice about everything in the world of a mother-in-law or a neighbor
Video: How To Talk About Sex With Your Baby - Self-development, Society
Good afternoon, tell me how sexologists advise talking with children about sex? It's just that in my family these conversations were not accepted, they learned everything in passing, little by little, in schools, summer camps. I would like to change this situation in relations with my own children, but there is no skill. What is the best way to do this? At what age to start? And why?
Alina, 26 years old, mother of kids two and three and a half years old
Here are some tips that can be given based on the wonderful book by Evgeny Kashchenko and Anna Koteneva “Sex education for children and adolescents. Informative guide for parents”.
1. Talking to your child about sex and raising this topic in the family is both necessary and correct. Another thing is that you should not arrange a show lecture with a slide show from this. This is inappropriate, no matter what age your child is.
From the book: “It is imperative to tell the child. And this should be done in confidence, delicately, dosed, giving concrete truthful information at a certain age."
2. No need to reinvent the wheel. You are not the first parent to have this difficult conversation. Many have gone through this before you and survived. Their experience will come in handy. It's really important to get ready because you shouldn't be embarrassed or embarrassed during the conversation.
Advice from "experienced" parents, for whom everything went smoothly, or popularizing books by authors without special education - akin to unsolicited advice about everything in the world of a mother-in-law or a neighbor
It is always best to refer to the experience of professionals. Therefore, search the Web for advice and literature from expert sexologists. There are also books specifically designed to be read together.
- Up to 12 years old - together with parents: Kashchenko E. A. Straight talk about it. M.: EKSMO, 2012; Kashchenko E. A., Koteneva A. N. The Unknown World. Children about it. Publishing solutions. Ridero, 2015.
- After 12 years: Kashchenko E. A., Koteneva A. N. Frank conversation about THIS with a teenager. M.: EKSMO, 2013.
- It will be useful for senior pupils to master the textbook, published in 2002 and republished recently: Kashchenko E. A. Fundamentals of sociocultural sexology. M.: LIBROKOM, 2011, or sexual encyclopedias.
From the book: “There are many books, and they are different. Before the age of 18, this literature must enter the home under the supervision of parents."
3. Talking about sex with a child 3-5 years old. It is important to understand that children of this age are not interested in sex as such. They ask specific questions (and most often - only one: "Where do children come from?"), To which they want a simple, unambiguous answer.
- Do not start an educational program on your own initiative.
- Listen to the question and answer specifically to it.
- Keep it short and clear. It'll be enough.
- Answer honestly, so as not to bother later, explaining where the stork has gone.
From the book: “For example, it is enough for children 3–5 years old to answer the question:“Where do children come from”, honestly saying:“Mom gave birth”. Do not convince that they found in the cabbage or brought the storks, do not joke that they downloaded from the Internet or bought at a sale! And to tell the truth. As a rule, the kid is satisfied with this answer."
4. Talking about sex with a child 6-10 years old. This is the age of "why". It will no longer be possible to satisfy the growing up boys and girls with a monosyllabic answer. Each answer will be followed by a few more questions. But it plays into your hands.
- Having taken the position of "teacher", you can easily talk about sex in the style of educational programs.
- Your main task is to make it clear to the child that sex is only part of a global physiological process that connects two people intending to have children.
- Do not focus on the process of intercourse, talk about the entire cycle from the onset of menstruation and emission to childbirth.
- Respond to the request: if the child does not achieve the smallest details, do not overload him with terms and unnecessary details.
From the book: “For older children, from 6-7 years old (someone in 10-12) it is useful to tell some details about the physiology of the sexual sphere, pregnancy, menstruation, love, sex in adults. Information should be given as the child needs, who has so many games, studies, entertainment that this topic takes a very small place in the child's mind."
5. Talking about sex with a teenager 11-17 years old. Most often, by this age, young people have already accumulated enough knowledge about “where children come from” and “what sex is”. And in most cases, they will no longer be so willing to ask you for answers. This is the most difficult period of communication on a given topic. And it requires the maximum involvement of parents.
- Observe your child, his relationships, interests. And give any information "by the way", according to the situation. Just try to avoid over-control and obsession. Nobody canceled personal boundaries.
- The most important task at this stage is to cover the whole range of topics related to sex. After all, the sexual act itself is an insignificant part of the whole process, which concerns health, and the law, and moral and ethical problems, and social norms, and so on.
- Remember, you don't need to talk about sex techniques. Talk with your teenager about ethics, culture, hygiene, morality, relationships, responsibility, because sex is associated with many really acute problems and topics that are important for self-awareness and personality formation.
From the book: “Teenagers from 12 to 18 years old who are going through puberty can and should be given even more details. Facing unknown issues of sexual development, unresolved problems of sexuality and hidden facts of an intimate nature at this age can lead to sad consequences in adulthood. Parents, adults, teachers, sexologists are obliged to help children. Timely information for a teenager about conception, forms of sexual activity, consequences of deprivation of virginity, laws, values, norms of society and much more is a healthy credit of trust of adults and a contribution to the sexual health of children."