Table of contents:
- Each parent believes that he knows how to properly raise a child, using a variety of methods from praise to punishment. But intemperance in relation to children often causes not the child's misconduct, but completely different emotions. How to learn to raise children without using harsh measures? Family psychologist Olga Romaniv will help you to understand this issue
- The carrot and stick method
- Why are we screaming?
- Rule number 1: communication as equals
- Rule number 2: correct problem setting
- Rule # 3: motivation
Video: How To Raise A Child Without Screaming And Punishing - Society
Each parent believes that he knows how to properly raise a child, using a variety of methods from praise to punishment. But intemperance in relation to children often causes not the child's misconduct, but completely different emotions. How to learn to raise children without using harsh measures? Family psychologist Olga Romaniv will help you to understand this issue
The carrot and stick method
In many families, the upbringing of a child is based on this method: he received a good mark at school - he was encouraged, he did not clean the room - he was punished. So the child gets used in the first case to various manipulations, and in the second - to fear.
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How did you raise your children before? Exquisite measures have taken place at all times, both in the family and in educational institutions: rods, comradely courts up to a boycott, a belt. Any of these methods generated in the child one of two feelings: fear or disobedience. Everything depended on character.
Psychologists have long established that personality formation is based on emotions and impressions received in childhood. And if a child grew up in a state of emotional crisis based on the fear of punishment, then, as an adult, he will be inactive and withdrawn
What does disobedience lead to? To the thought that they, as a child, are not interested at all, and that no matter how and what he did, he would still be punished. In this case, all his actions will be out of spite - the child chooses his own path and will do everything as he wants, regardless of the subsequent punishment.
Corporal punishment can have consequences not only in the development of the child's personality, but also in his sexual preferences in adult life.
A child is an individual whose development depends on parents and teachers. And if you want to grow a full-fledged personality without the extra burden of complexes that the child will bring into adulthood, then the methods of education must be changed.
Why are we screaming?
Let's see why dissatisfaction with a child's act is most often expressed in a cry.
Imagine a situation: you had a hard working day, returning home, you stood in a traffic jam for a long time, witnessed a conflict between drivers, found yourself in a long queue at the checkout and left with heavy bags at the store, and immediately started preparing dinner at home. And then the teacher calls you and says about your child's fault. What emotions prevail at this moment? Fatigue, irritation, and if the day is not at all set, then anger and aggression. You are looking for an opportunity to get rid of the negativity that overwhelms you, and yelling at the child becomes the way out.
But think about it: did you start screaming after talking with your son or daughter and hearing their opinion about the current situation, or without letting the child say a word and not understanding everything?
The child's action becomes a point for the outburst of negativity. And this negative takes the form of insults or humiliation, and your state becomes the main aspect: “I work like Papa Carlo, and you let me down”, “I do not rest at all, you don’t help”, “I do so much, but you don’t appreciate ".
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Any of your statements about the child begins with you - yelling at him, you start with yourself, with what you are doing. In a cry, you express everything that you wanted to throw out during the day, but there was no opportunity, and you do not know how to manage anger when negative emotions are overwhelmed.
Review your parenting practices and start with three basic rules that will lead to a good relationship with your child
Rule number 1: communication as equals
Treat your child like an adult, even if he is three years old. Any of your words or prohibitions should be explained. For example, you cannot buy a toy now, because you only have money for the zoo you are going to. Give your child a choice, let him decide what is better - to get a toy now and be left without an interesting walk or look at animals and have fun with you, and get a toy another time.
By giving your child a choice, you teach him to think. And by explaining your refusal, you show him that you see in him a person who will understand and draw the right conclusions
In any situation, try to sort it out calmly, without shouting or punishing. You must understand what motivated the child: laziness, desire to prove oneself, acceptance of someone else's guilt, denial or rebellion. If you feel that you are overwhelmed with negativity, then leave the clarification for later - in anger you will not see the situation from different angles and will not help the child make the right decision.
Rule number 2: correct problem setting
When giving assignments to your child, explain why it is needed. The form of the order, which does not require objections, will lead to the opposite - the child will postpone your order or simply forget about it in his own affairs, because they are more important to him.
See also: How to develop attentiveness and perseverance in a child
Show by your example the importance and necessity of the tasks that you set. Use the request form, but only in the help option, for example: “Help me prepare lunch. I'll take care of the meat, and you, please, peel the potatoes."
Your goal is to teach your child to plan things, determine their importance and significance, and correctly prioritize. And you can only come to this if you set the tasks correctly
Rule # 3: motivation
It is important to motivate the child by involving him in this or that business. The reward system is great, but sooner or later it can stop working and turn into a way to manipulate you. For example, motivation through monetary rewards for grades can lead to the fact that for the child it is not the knowledge that is important, but the amount that he receives for the grade. And then cheating or begging for marks for a point higher from teachers can already be used.
Inform the child that everything he is learning now will be important for him in life, and every action will be reflected - both good and bad. Motivation for a child can be his future, possible prospects, experience that he will take from different life situations
The main task of parents is to raise their children to be decent and kind people, to instill in them qualities that will be useful in life, to develop talents and guide them to the right choice, which the child must make himself. All this can only be achieved through relationships built without screaming and punishment.