Why Am I Not Married Yet? - Relations

It's not about you. Most likely. Although, of course, all cases are unique, and it is unacceptable to "diagnose" by statuses in social networks. But still. It's not about you. A man needs to mature to the possibility, in principle, to make an important decision about the family

Many girls and women are faced with the fact that long-term relationships do not pass into the decisive stage. The partner cannot make an offer. And it will be impossible to force him to take this step if at least 5 fundamental factors, which speak of his maturity in relationships, do not coincide, psychologist Alon Gratch is sure.

Alon Gratch is a clinical psychologist at Columbia University and author of If Men Could Talk and If Love Could Think

Factor # 1 - the ability to love

The first weeks or even months of your acquaintance can be dizzying. A partner can jump over his head and demonstrate incredible qualities. But you don't seriously think that this is forever?

After we meet, the "falling in love mode" turns on in us. And the mechanism of falling in love presupposes the maximum degree of idealization of the object of feelings. This means that we think our partner and relationship is unique, one of a kind.

And this enthusiastic impulse allows the brain to ignore any imperfections - both in the person and in the events associated with him. In a way, this is what makes the period of falling in love so important: everyone in a couple feels valuable and special.

Love, as opposed to falling in love, is a deeper connection with another person, based on the desire to be with the partner - as he really is, and not with the way we would like to see him

It makes no sense to wait for a marriage proposal immediately after meeting. Moreover: it is not worthwhile to agree, if such followed. After all, time helps to distinguish between love and love. Time spent together.

And even better - the time spent under one roof, when the peculiarities of the partner's character and life are no longer hidden behind bouquets and sweets. Only when the initial love buzz disappears does it become clear whether the person is really interested in a long-term relationship.

The main sign of true love is dedication and the ability to care

Does your partner make compromise sacrifices for you? Is he able, at least in some situations, to put your desires and needs above his own?

Love is about what you give. As soon as the "weighing" begins, who gave more is already a relationship. Difficult, it should be noted.

There are people who are not at all capable of caring. Not able to put someone's interests above their own. That is, they are incapable of love. It's not about you.

Factor # 2 - Accepting Imperfection

With our brains, we all perfectly understand that there are no perfect people and, therefore, there are no perfect relationships. But in order to believe this, experience is often required - the first, second, third (and so on, if necessary for emotional maturity) are not formed parties.

It's simple. At first, someone breaks up with a wonderful woman simply because they thought they would find something better. A year later, this someone repeats his "feat". And after a few years, he finds a great new partner (because in fact we are all great for someone), who is also far from perfect. But this someone is already making an offer to her. Why?

If he had met her a few years ago, he would have broken up with her too. But now he understands that everything is happening the way it is, and this is good. There are no perfect ones. But it took him several relationships to finally figure it out.

Unrealistic expectations make it impossible for a person to develop a close bond. If a guy still has less of this experience of imperfection, he is definitely not ready for a serious relationship

And when you try to start a rapprochement, he will - consciously or subconsciously - look for imperfections in order to create a chasm between you and, ultimately, have a reason to end the relationship. That is, again - it's not about you.

Factor # 3 - Belief in Relationships

Even if a person says that he was betrayed, remains loyal and will always be loyal, you will never be able to understand whether this is really so until you have experienced some difficult event together. Or difficult times for your relationship.

You can be sure that a person is not ready for long-term partnerships if at the first manifestations of negative in a relationship, he withdraws into himself or withdraws, devaluing the problem or bypassing it in roundabout ways.

He may be ready for love, but clearly not ready for serious relationship work. Not ready to solve problems as they arise. And it won't always be smooth. And it is not always possible to bypass the obstacle

If a person is ready to work out problematic issues together, this is a good sign. This, however, does not mean that he will never have any doubts about your relationship or not think about leaving sometimes (yes, even so!).

But ultimately, you at least know that he has the potential to realize that your relationship is his top priority. If he considers the discomfort in the process of solving the problem a worthwhile price for your closeness, if he is ready for this compromise, then you are even closer to the decisive step.

Factor # 4 - Self Confidence

Despite the fact that gender stereotypes in the modern world have long been blurred, many men still believe that they must be breadwinners, determined macho, restrained in feelings, lumps, behind whose stone backs their women are warm and comfortable. And I must admit, a fair number of lovely ladies to this day believe the same. Therefore, a man, in order to propose, must be sure that he corresponds to this masculine model.

If a guy feels that he can not meet either his or your (as it seems to him) expectations, he will postpone the proposal to avoid feeling his own imperfection (this is a way to protect his ego)

In this case, his real involvement in the relationship should be assessed according to the three previous factors. If he is really interested in you, it might be worth letting him know that your expectations are not so high.

If it's about his own aspirations (it can be a high-paying job, or climbing the corporate ladder, or restoring health to create a full-fledged family, for example), then it makes sense to wait for the moment when he reaches the goal he is working on. And then patience will be rewarded a hundredfold. And again it was not about you.

Factor # 5 - Loss of interest in casual relationships

There is no special, precisely calculated age when men are "ready to marry." Nobody ripens at the same rate. Meanwhile, there is one important indicator.

If, in their youth, boys, young men and young men easily flip from one non-binding relationship to another, then after a while these superficial connections begin to bore them. Casual ladies lose their charm, and the knights themselves crave deeper understanding, support, affection.

The process of intimization of relationships is accelerated when friends and acquaintances of a guy, one after another, begin to calm down and settle down

On the one hand, this is due to the fact that it is becoming more and more commonplace for him to find a company to hang out on Friday. But more importantly, he sees how people of his circle, of his warehouse make serious decisions on the love front.

It is worth talking about why not married yet

And now the most important thing. Test your partner for these 5 factors. If at least two factors are not enough, you should not even try to bring a person down the aisle by cunning, mimicry, persuasion or manipulation.

If you see that according to three or more factors the man is ready for the wedding, perhaps it makes sense to just talk.

3 reasons to discuss relationships

• 1. If it is about his goals for life (career, health, completion of a global project - whether at work, in a parental family), stipulate clear terms. For example, until he reaches his goal.
• 2. If it’s his priorities (say, he’s a fitness lover and you don’t want to do it), ask a direct question: what is more important to him - fitness or your relationship. If fitness - run, don't look back. If the relationship is a reason to discuss the situation.
• 3. If he is simply chronically indecisive (and some guys simply cannot make a decision by nature), but is very attached to you, just say that you want him to be in your life. Show that you are ready to propose yourself. If the reciprocal step does not follow, ask yourself whether you can live with such an indecisive person. If not, move on. If so, just propose yourself. It's the XXI century.